Douchbag of the Week
Due to the tremendous number of human douchebags (or in the case of Muslims, SUB-human douchebags) in the news, at work, or on the road these days, we are proud to announce our latest feature: the Douchebag of the Week award!
There are literally hundreds of people who deserve this award, but since I've been wanting to comment for some time on the sad state of American teenagers, this week's winner is a kid named Darrin Potvin of Auburn, Washington (a suburb of the Douchebag Mecca of Seattle). Before I get to the specifics of this case, I want to comment on what douchebags teenagers are in general.
Yes, teenagers have always been douchebags, but today's American teens are the absolute worst in history. Mind you, they're still head-and-shoulders above Euroweeny fairy boys or camel-fucking Muslim teens (who would surely rape each other in the shower - if they actually had running water, that is). Nevertheless, I hold American teens to a higher standard, and I'm extremely disappointed.
First, when I was a teenager, many of my peers wore AC/DC or Ramones T-shirts. What are today's teens wearing? AC/DC and Ramones T-shirts. This is mostly a reflection on how much the current generation of musicians suck, but it also reflects poorly on teenagers themselves. And you can't say that it's just a "retro" thing like every generation experiences. When I was in high school, we didn't go around wearing Beatles or Rolling Stones T-shirts (because the bands 20 years ago didn't suck like they do today). So where did the suckiness start? Most experts and sociologists would agree that it started when MTV switched to an all-rap format in the early 90's. However, the sad truth is that it started with the most overrated, shittiest rock band since the Grateful Dead.... Pearl Jam.
It's no coincidence that Pearl Jam is also from Seattle. Forget what people say about San Francisco. Seattle is America's anus. And it needs a good washing. Pearl Jam was the biggest band around 13 years ago, and music has never fully recovered from it.
Another completely retarded trend followed by today's teenage lemmings is called The Choking Game. I've been wanting to write about this ever since it first came to my attention. Teenagers around the country are literally choking each other (or in some cases, choking THEMSELVES) to the point of passing out. When they regain consciousness, they supposedly get a huge rush to the brain. What the fuck ever happened to stealing vodka from your dad's liquor cabinet to cop a buzz? Oh yeah, most teens today don't have daddies... And apparently stores don't sell Nitrous Oxide anymore. Still, that's no excuse for doing something this retarded. The only thing worse was the whole "huffing" craze that peaked about five years ago. And although there's nothing more entertaining that watching a news report about how some kid killed himself trying to get high by inhaling a can of compressed air, the joke is really starting to get old.
With that, I would like to present this week's award to Mr. Potvin, a 14-year-old douchebag who was injured when his friend choked him out at school (and is it just me, or does this sound extremely faggy?). Apparently, little Darrin asked his pal to choke him and catch him after he passed out. You can probably guess where this is going.... His flaky friend didn't bother catching him. Perhaps that's one of those jobs "American's won't do" that we're always hearing about. Maybe he should have hired one of Hector's kids to choke him out.
With nobody to break his fall, Darrin hit the pavement, and it was lights out. In the fall, he sustained injuries and is recovering in a wheelchair. There's no word yet on the condition of his Iron Maiden T-shirt, but we'll keep you posted if there are any new developments.
You have got to be fucking kidding me? This sort of stupidity cannot go un-mocked....
© by Michael Cooper 2006