Let the Yakuza Run Iraq
With the continuing violence in Iraq, combined with this weekend's bombing in Bali, it should be clear by now to even the most moronic of liberals that the Islamist savages of this world will never be able to control their own lives and live in a flourishing Democracy. And after watching another Japanese gangster movie this weekend, it has become clear to me that the Yakuza should be running Iraq.
All that matters to Islamists is that they are allowed to murder, rape, and destroy while gutting the West from within with their constant caterwauling about being "humiliated" and "discriminated" against. Last week, one of the many Al Qaeda front groups operating as a peaceful Muslim rights organization in the U.K. was able to ban (and I'm not making this up) all pigs, pig drawings, and pig kick-knacks from government offices in Great Britain. It won't be long before eating bacon is banned, followed by the outlawing of toilet paper. It's incredible to me that little Muslim children are encouraged by their twisted religion to kill anyone who disagrees with them, but they aren't allowed to watch Winnie the Pooh because of his sidekick, Piglet. Little Mustapha is supposed to slit his sister's throat if she is raped by her uncle, but he will be stoned to death if he's caught with a piggy bank. Could a religion BE more fucked up than that? No it can't.
So now that the world has no choice but to accept that Muslims aren't capable of running their own lives in a civilized manner, they must be made to behave like human beings to at least some extent. I realize that they'll never be fully civilized, but I propose a good middle ground: Let the Japanese Mafia take control of the situation. Say what you want, but for being a criminal organization the Yakuza are quite good at planning, making money, and creating order out of chaos. The Americans can't do it (because we get criticized for putting panties on some fuck's head). There's no way the EU, the UN, or God himself can make these apes in Iraq behave like human beings. Only the Yakuza have the ability to do this.
In many ways, the Yakuza are more efficient than the Japanese government (and are certainly more efficient than our own). When the Kobe earthquake struck over ten years ago, the Yakuza were the first on the scene, offering aid, water, and medical treatment. They did a better job than the Japanese government or the military could. I can assure you that if the Yakuza were put in charge of the Katrina aftermath, Homey would have thought twice before stealing those hi-tops and DVD players.
Since Iraqis (and Middle Easterners as a whole) still have a primitive tribe mentality, the Yakuza solution is a perfect one. We should carve up the Sunni Triangle into about five different territories, and give one each to a different Yakuza boss. They could install a puppet local Muslim leader to serve as a figurehead, but the Yakuza would be the ones in charge. If a suicide bomber blew up a school bus full of children, the local boss would be held accountable. It would be up to him to ensure that the local Islamists don't act on their desire to murder innocent people. And the bosses would be empowered to make treaties and keep peace with the neighbouring territories. Eventually, the entire country could be ruled by one benevolent Yakuza boss.
By now it's time to admit failure. President Bush's aggressive and idealistic plan to install Democracy in the Middle East simply won't work given that the residents of that part of the world are too violent. However, it's quite possible that a Yakuza foothold in Iraq could lead to organized Mafia territories in Iran, Syria, and even Saudi Arabia. Who could deny that the citizens of those countries would be better off? We do not need intellectuals, scholars, legal experts, or the U.N. writing an Iraqi Constitution. We need Beat Takeshi.
Holy shit that is a great idea!
© by Michael Cooper 2005