How to Annoy, Confuse and Scare the Piss out of Whitey - Part I
Yo yo yo - what up, niggaz?
This is Calvin Leshon Goldtooth, better known as Nig-Nogg Bitch-Slapp Pimp Dogg.... I've been busy recently wif the riots in Ohio, but I was able to loot another computer, so I decided to write in and give some of my fellow homeys some props.
First of all, I'd like to give a big bitch slap on the back to all my homeys who rioted in Toledo last week to protest the neo nazis. True, we ended up proving their point about homeys being a bunch of violent thugs, and we made ALL black people look bad, but what the fuck? As long as there are white liberals and racist black leaders making excuses for us, we might as well do whatever we wants to!
And I want to give a big shout out to homegirl Lashaun Harris for tossing her kids off the bridge and into the San Francisco Bay last week. Not only did she show how little a true welfare mother cares about her kids, she could be the poster girl for Shamiquas everywhere. Way to go, Lashaun, and we'll all do our part to make sure that any criticism of your behavior is called "racist."
But what I really wanted to write about is the fact that too many of you whites are movin' in to our neighborhoods. Like most homeys, I can't stand white people. When you move into the 'hood, you clean up your yards, repair your houses, and generally make the rest of us look bad. That's called "gentrification," and it's racist. Of course, if you DON'T move into the 'hood, that's racist too.
So I'd like to tell all of you homeys with this problem a little secret. It's not as hard as you might think to send Whitey and his family back to the suburbs where they belong. Just keep doing what you normally do on any given day in the hood. Trust me, you will confuse, annoy, and scare the piss out of whitey just by doing what comes natural. Here's a quick recap of some of your behaviors that work best:
On Halloween, go out trick-or-treating - even though you're 22 and aren't wearing a costume. Don't worry, whitey won't dare ask "what are you supposed to be?" And for God's sake, don't ever say "trick or treat" or "thank you." That would be demeaning and rob you of your dignity. When whitey answers the door with a shocked look on his or her face, just hold out your hand, bag, pillowcase, or whatever and keep it there until they give you what you so richly deserve - free candy. As an added bonus, go back several times that night (or go back the next day and hit them up for any leftover candy they may have).
Go door to door and ask white people if they would like their lawn mowed. It doesn't matter that you don't have a lawnmower with you (and have probably never operated one in your entire life). While talking to the homeowner, be sure to look inside the house as much as possible. Make no effort to hide the fact that you are eyeballing their valuables. Stand on your tiptoes or crane your neck, just avoid making eye contact. When whitey says "no thanks," leave him with the thought that you'll be back next week in case he changes his mind!
While driving with your homeys and listening to gangsta rap in your tricked-out pimp car, be sure to get out at red lights and dance right there in the middle of the street. Even wiggers are confused by this one! And when the light turns green, slowly get back into the car. With luck, you'll actually hold traffic up for several blocks. At minimum, you want to get back in your car and squeeze through the light as it is turning yellow, causing everyone else to wait another three to five minutes. If anyone honks at you, go up to them like you're packing heat and yell "You wanna play me?"
Go into an office complex, reeking of dope. Your hair should either be in corn rows or wear a do-rag. Be sure to look as unprofessional and ghetto as possible. Walk right up to the receptionist's desk and ask (in the most threatening tone possible) "You hiring?" When she says no (and she WILL say no) grab one of the business cards from that little tray up front and head directly to a civil rights attorney (right after you go home and change into a suit, that is). This is the ideal homey way to make a living (other than drug dealing or other petty criminal activity).
See ya next time.
Peace!
If anyone thinks this is Calvin being racist, then you are too fucking stupid to realise what is being said, so don't bother emailing us to say "youse are racist".
© by Calvin Leshon Goldtooth 2005