If you are a fat piece of shit, don't go to strip clubs
Strange title compared to what we usually have around here but stick with it...
Last weekend I had a Buck's night to attend. Personally I could have taken it or left it but I was asked by the Bride-to-be to attend and make sure the Groom kept out of trouble - both of his own doing and trouble caused by a select few of his police friends who had a reputation of taking Bucks, beating them, stripping them, pepper spraying them and handcuffing them to a light post out the front of the house.
Anyway, there was a bit of paintballing first up. I must admit that indoor paintball sucks. The same field game after game and once you know where you can and can't be shot from when behind the various barriers, it gets old really quick.
From there it was back to the house for drinking, eating, and more drinking, with the drinks served up by a topless waitress. Of course it was about here when things started going downhill. I didn't know most of the people at the BBQ but with many of them being cops, I thought I'd give them the benefit of the doubt. Now I don't know if the one I am going to talk about is a cop (and we all better hope not) but goddamn… with guys like him it was going to be a long-ass night.
I get talking to him when he comes up with something like "Oh she's really good."
I'm like "what are you talking about?"
"The waitress. She's really friendly and is out there enjoying herself and having a good time."
I just had to shake my head.
"She's fucking paid to be friendly and make it look like she is enjoying herself and having a good time, otherwise she doesn't get hired."
Anyway, soon it was time to pile on the hire bus and head into town where we ended up at a strip club. The last time I was in one was about 10 years ago for a mate's 18th party and I quickly realised why I hadn't been for 10 years. It's just so boring. Now maybe it is enough for you dipshits out there but for me, just looking at naked women isn't enough to get me excited.
Oh I can appreciated a great looking body, nice tits and an attractive face just fine. I was also most impressed with their athleticism and agility. One in particular had won some Australian championship (who knew they even had championships for this stuff?) or something and it showed - two leaps and a flip and she was at the top of the pole in less time than it took you to read these three words.
But apart from that, who cares?
If there is no chance of getting laid with them, then care, I do not.
Again, maybe you dipshits can get your rocks off by looking but I'm only interested in playing for keeps. In fact one of the girls appeared to get a little offended when she asked "Aren't you having fun watching us play?" and I replied that it was only fun to play for keeps. It wasn't a comment on her dance, just a simple statement of fact. Go figure.
And let me just say that paying for sex with a prostitute makes you less of man. I specify a prostitute as we ALL pay for sex in one way or another but going solely and expressly for that is something else.
And let me also say that none of this is a criticism of strippers or hookers. At least they are honest about what they do and will acknowledge that they are only there as long the money is.
Anyway, back to it….
Being a Buck's party we got priority seating at one of the tables, but unfortunately it was next to a table with the fat piece of shit from the title. This fuckhead was so fat that the two guys on either side of him were not there willingly but were trapped in his gravitational pull.
If you want to wolf whistle, fine. If you want to yell and shout to the girls to show you various parts of their body, go ahead. But if you want to do a fucking retarded dog bark/howl time after time after time after time after time, you better be prepared for me to break a fucking chair (or more likely in this case, a beer bottle) over your head and stab you with the splinters (or more likely in this case, glass shards).
More annoying still was the fact this fat piece of shit got up out of his seat about 5 times inside 30 minutes. And every time he got up and every time he came back, five on our table and about 4 on his all had to cram up against the table even more than we already were to let him pass.
Come about the 10th time this fat fuck rumbled past and the 157th bark/howl, I had the bottle in my hand and was looking at where the bouncers were.
“Hmm. If I can slide my chair back, stand, turn and break the bottle over his head in one smooth motion, I should be able to throw my hands up and announce that I'm going before they get to me…”
Of course reality can be sobering and the fact I was at a table of whom the majority were police officers presented a problem. Were I to do something like that, it would most certainly not look good for them and in turn, they would be certain to make sure things did not look good for me either.
It was as I was going over this in my mind that we were told our bus had arrived to take us to our next destination where we were to meet up with the bride to be and the girls on their Hen's. I stood up and said "Fucking move it you fat fuck" and made no attempt to prevent my elbows clipping him as we try to squeeze past.
Anyway, we move in to our destination but alas, when we got there, the Bride-to-be was so fucking legless that she spent 40 minutes hacking her guts up in the toilet. Once she finally emerged she was in no condition to really do anything other than go home and pass out, and not necessarily in that order.
With the bride out for the count and the groom duty-bound to travel home with her, the night came to a rather abrupt end. And so I assisted in getting the bride into the car and rode with them and gave my report to her. I told her how the groom had admitted he was actually gay and how the male stripper performed all sorts of horrible dildo acts with and on the groom.
Naturally she doesn't remember a fucking thing I said on the ride but everyone else in the car got a good laugh.
Let this be a warning to you other fat fucks out there....
© by Tiberius Alatheus 2006