BS Alert: Stay at Home Moms
Just in time for Mother's Day, Salary.com has a new "study" which claims to accurately portray how much money a stay at home mom is worth. And like every other study involving women, it's complete bullshit. It seems that every few years another news item comes out talking about how much women think they're worth and how they're not getting their fair share. You notice that this never happens to men. Men don't generally sit around and caterwaul about not being paid enough. If they don't like how much they're making, men will either ask for more money or quit (and go work somewhere else where they can earn more).
I am somewhat conflicted in writing this, since my own wife is a stay at home mom. And I know for a fact that being a stay at home mom is one of the hardest jobs in the world (that is, up until the children are old enough to go to school. At that point, it's a total cakewalk for 9 months out of the year). I hate to pile on, because I realize that motherhood is not respected in America anymore (unless you happen to be a teenage slut or a couple of dykes who use a male friend to get one of you knocked up). Unfortunately, these days pretend families are more respected than real ones. But I digress.
As anyone who owns a television knows (because they ran this story on all the networks and cable news channels as filler this week) Salary.com has concluded that stay-at-home moms are worth $134,121 annually. What's even more ridiculous is that part-time pretend moms (also known as "working mothers") are somehow worth $85,876 in addition to whatever salary they make being an office slut or whatever they do. The most ridiculous part of this nonsense is the way in which they came up with the numbers. This method of cooking the books would make Kenneth Lay and Jeff Skilling proud. They asked mothers to describe the job titles that they felt described their work as a mother (then added up the percentage of salaries for those jobs).
Here are the results:
We found the job titles that best matched a mom's definition of her work to be (in order of hours spent per week): housekeeper, day care center teacher, cook, computer operator, laundry machine operator, janitor, facilities manager, van driver, CEO, and psychologist. New job titles that made the list in 2006 include psychologist, laundry machine operator, and computer operator. The job title of nurse fell out of the top 10 this year.
Ummm. Ok... So here we have delusional women, once again overestimating their value and not being called on it. First of all, unless your brat is home-schooled, then you're not a teacher. Scratch that. Unless your brat is home-schooled (and you happen to be a licensed teacher), you're not a teacher. While van driver and cook are understandable choices, facilities manager and CEO are just plain delusional. And while a licensed, certified psychologist may be worth a lot of money, an unlicensed, uncertified part-time psychologist is worth nothing. Of course, none of this matters, because women (especially American women) always overestimate their worth. I'm surprised "prostitute" didn't make the list. After all, I'm sure that having sex is something many moms think of as a job (for which they should be given cash and prizes).
And of course, the job of "nurse" fell off the list this year because mom discovered the internet. I'm not sure how surfing through LL Bean ads online constitutes being a "computer operator" any more than flossing my teeth twice a day qualifies me as a "dental hygienist."
I could just as easily come up with a list for men: landscaper, driver, construction worker, day laborer, human wallet, boner donor, disciplinarian, coach, teacher, nag listener, problem solver, negotiator, foot massager, and slave. That comes out to about $500,000 a year (plus tips). And please spare me your emails about how women make only 70 cents on the dollar compared to men. That's just another urban legend. When you factor in the amount of time spent climbing the corporate ladder and adding in the "busting your ass" factor, women and men earn about the same for the same work (that's they key - the same work). You cannot calculate the average wages of men and compare it to the average wages of women. It's not the same. And many single working women (or women without children) will back me up when I say that working mothers don't put in as much time and effort at work as others do. I think Tom Leykis said it best when discussing why women generally make less than men: "Women have choices. They can go into the workforce, drop out of the workforce, raise a kid, go back to school, work part time, or simply stay home. Men, on the other hand, are chained to a desk until we're 65 or keel over from a stroke at the age of 50."
When my wife went to Japan a few months ago, I had to do everything myself. I cooked, cleaned, did laundry, drove the kids around, and did the shopping in addition to my normal 50-60 hour a week job. It was actually quite easy. I'm not joking. I actually took two days off work, just so I could lounge around the house by myself. For me, it was a vacation.
So let me repeat: as much as I respect stay at home mothers (and believe me, I do) they sure as hell aren't worth $134,121 a year (even if they do have an infant or two at home). And don't get me started on part-time pretend moms. Most "working" moms with small children are negligent parents. Americans have swallowed the Madison Avenue notion that women can "have it all." Bullshit. Nobody can have it all (not men, not women, and not whatever Richard Simmons is). Life is full of choices. With every choice, there is an opportunity cost. There are only 24 hours in a day. You can't be a great employee, great wife, and a great mom all at the same time. It's just not possible. And if I had to be really honest (and you know I am) most of the working mothers I know are just plain selfish. They (and their husbands) are generally materialistic and are looking for ego gratification through buying as much as humanly possible. But I'm saving that for my next article ("Working Women Are Sluts"). Look for it!
Of course, these stay at home moms who think they are "underpaid" should go spend some time in some shithole muslim country and see how their fellow women are treated...
© by Michael Cooper 2006