A guide to sidewalk etiquette
We have a guest contributor here today - one I hope will share his name with us eventually. Regardless, I am always on the lookout for new members of my "Family" and so let me present John Doe's guide to sidewalk etiquette.
- Tiberius
There is nothing worse than someone who doesn’t seem to understand what should be happening on the footpath. I hate walking around the city as there are that many stupid ‘tard people who either don’t know or don’t care. Now I will admit that being among the taller population I do indeed have a longer step but I don’t walk that fast - it's all these people who have nothing better to do than wander around looking in shop windows and stopping every 5 metres to look at the pretty clouds or the hideous dress in the window or that piece of gum on the path that looks like your brother’s uncle’s nephew’s son’ former roommate.
The sidewalk functions in the same way as a road and should have a similar set of guidelines for use, so in an effort to aid all those time short people who have other things to do on their lunchbreak than get stuck behind your slow ass here are a few simple rules to follow:
1. NEVER just stop for no apparent reason. There is a good chance that the 500 people behind you are not reading your mind and are not anticipating your sudden urge to cease all forward motion. If you have decided that you have forgotten something, veer off, slow down, but don’t just stop. I’m sure you get excited from random people bumping into you, but I don’t want to walk into your stinking, sweaty back fat.
2. Try to walk at roughly the same speed as everyone else. I accept that some people are in no hurry and are enjoying the beautiful weather we enjoy in this country but there is a difference between walking and ambling like a animated corpse ("errrr me eat brain"). This goes double for people in groups - maybe there is a need for you all 30 of you to walk side-by-side but if you are going to do this, why block up the whole path with your slow asses? Move at a decent rate and no-one will mind that you look like a human snow plough.
3. For all those inconsiderate weavers out there - this one is for you. Do not push your way into my space. I don’t care if it means you get to work 6.5 seconds earlier, anyone that bumps me in an effort to squeeze through invariable ends up
a) on the floor;
b) on the floor from me pushing them over; or
c) on the road from me pushing them there.
I really don’t like being pushed around and when I feel a weaver coming through I move into the space you were aiming for. I don’t care if you fall over and get dirty, I don’t care if your late – leave earlier that’s what the rest of us do! I don’t even care if you’re dying and racing to the hospital- that’s what ambulances are there for! Just don’t try and push me out of the way.
4. Be aware of your surroundings. I hate people I am walking next to all of a sudden veer into my path. Surely I am visible on your peripherals. HELLO I'M STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU! I am always aware of where I am in regards to other objects - yes even moving ones like people. So if I know that I will be wanting to make a left to head down that arcade, I start looking to my left to see when I can make the turn. If necessary I speed up or slow down so that I don’t inconvenience anyone by walking in front of them. Its not that I’m a nice guy - far from it. It's just something known as common courtesy. Try it; maybe it will put an end to war!
5. GO WITH TRAFFIC! Do you see cars going the wrong way down a one-way street? No. Why? Because it causes accidents and people die. That’s what its like when you decide to be the only person heading east and we are all going west. To compound this problem why do you have to walk in the middle of the path? Surely stepping to either side would be a lot easier and cause less disruption to the rest of us? But no you have to walk straight down the middle. Whoops there goes a pram, sorry Mr Elderly Citizen, didn’t mean to kick out your Zimmer frame. Dickheads.
6. How to avoid a head-on collision.... well as mentioned earlier the footpath is similar to a road. so why not take one of the most simple of road rules and carry over to your everyday life? I hate when I am walking towards someone and we both look at each other and then both veer the same way and almost end up making out. Note for future - I ALWAYS veer left. It's been ingrained since the day I first got into a drivers seat. STAY LEFT! So why then does it always seem to happen that people veer with me??? Nearly everyone can drive (granted there are a few that should never have gotten licenses but that's a rant for another night) so why do you stupid 'tard people always veer into me? Fuck it pisses me off.
Well now that we are all on the same level surely the world will be a better place
© by John Doe 2005