The most retarded city in America
It is with great pleasure that I present my fourth instalment of Socially Retarded Behavior at Work. I am, however, a bit hesitant to do so, since my discovery last May of an online article from a "mainstream" media affiliate which was a virtual cut-and-paste of my Socially Retarded and Tiberius' "Working with Morons" articles. The article talked about the types of people we have to put up with on a daily basis at work. Sound familiar? It should. Tiberius and I practically wrote the thing. I guess they don't teach plagiarism avoidance at journalism school anymore. I could link to the article, but what would be the point? You can read the original pieces in the Asylum archives (profanity included).
But enough with my self-aggrandizing bullshit. I'm ecstatic. After three years, I have finally solved a major mystery. Although I have recently switched companies, I was thrilled to finally uncover who the sad sack at my company was that gave his group a ridiculous and painfully retarded nickname. Let me explain:
I truly loathe having to work with Quotation Morons (people who either begin or end their email correspondence with a retarded quote from a retarded famous person). We all have them, and we all hate them. Nevertheless, they continue to parrot other people's words as if that somehow makes them any less of an asshole. I've seen them all. One clown started out his emails with "Business is like riding a bicycle - either you're moving forward or you're falling down."
Some fuckface from India recently ended an email with something to do with love. I can't remember the quote, but to me it looked like he was trying to sexually harass my administrative assistant electronically. I guess I should give him a pass, since he's clearly from a culture that doesn’t understand the need to keep it in your pants from 9 to 5.
I once worked with a cretin who ended every one of his emails with "Remember: Second place is FIRST LAST!" Wow. What a "winner." Hackneyed slogans and self-motivating tripe just doesn't cut it with me. Of course, this asshole was always last in the Division when the sales numbers came out. It's a fact of life: People with small dicks overcompensate by driving Hummers. People with no talent, creativity, or intelligence overcompensate by quoting others and living in a fantasy world where they're still on the high school football team (and they're still relevant).
But as bad as the Quotation Morons are, they can't hold a candle to the city that called itself "Winning Team." As I type this, I am trying very hard to avoid laughing (and spraying my keyboard with Florida orange juice).
For nearly three years, I have been subjected to a quarterly WebX meeting. Most people in the business world have been involved in either WebX, Webmeeting, or a similar knockoff. During the meetings, attendees log in to a website (as well as call in to a toll-free number for the audio). When logging in, the website asks you for two simple things: Your name, and your email address. Sadly, this seems to be too much for some people, as the first 15 minutes of the meetings are taken up with Dallas Dipshits or Minneapolis Morons asking "What's da link for da site?" about 50 times. But that's not the most annoying thing.
When logging in with your "name" most people put in the name of their city or department ("Los Angeles," "Boston Sales," or "Miami Station)." All attendees can see who is on the call (the names appear on the right side of the screen). Occasionally, you'll get self-centred numbnuts who put in their own name (even though they're actually attending the meeting with their entire department). But by far the worst example of Social Retardation at Work has been the group that has signed itself on as "Winning Team." For years we have ridiculed them, mentioned it to other offices, and even tried to figure out who the shit-for-brains is that calls his group "Winning Team." The reason I say "his" group is because I don't think any women out there would do something so woefully pathetic. Women have their own set of work-related problems, but being a needle-dicked pansy ass isn't one of them.
Before I left my company, I attended one last Webmeeting. All of us wondered if the Winning Team was going to show up. To my joy and surprise, not only did they show up, they outed themselves. There it was, clear as day - "St. Louis Winning Team." Mystery solved! I was actually relieved that it wasn't New York or Los Angeles. As arrogant as New Yorkers are, they're genuinely arrogant because they have something to be arrogant about. Winning Team is a desperate attempt at false confidence. But I can't just lay this at the feet of one person.
Sure, the leader of the "team" is the one who is ultimately responsible for being a jackass, but that person works with several other people who should have had the balls to point out to him that it was lame and retarded to call yourself this. Therefore, I must conclude that a large majority of the people of Saint Louis are themselves retarded and lame. Oh, and when the most recent numbers came out, guess which office was near the bottom of the list for performance? You got it, Saint Fucking Louis.
Congratulations, and a short bus will be coming to deliver your trophy soon. Please impale yourself on it.
Whoever ripped me off better hope I never find out who they are, or else they better pay me a shitload of money....
© by Michael Cooper 2005