Yo ho. Yo ho. A Pirates! life for me
Let me start by saying that Sid Meier is evil.
No man has been responsible for depriving as many people of as much sleep as he has. Nobody has caused as many people to fail classes and miss work and parties and anniversaries and other important dates as he has. Back in the day, Civilization almost caused me to fail my first year of high school.
There he sits, locked away in his mansion (paid for by his millions of victim around the world) in a room that no doubt resembles the Bat Cave, sitting at a computer with other monitors around the room displaying the code for all his games. He sits there thinking “Now what can I do to make sure my next game not only gets people to stay up til dawn, playing through the night and thus missing work/school, but gets them to do it willingly?”
And whatever answer he comes up with, he never fails in this task.
I should have known this. I should have expected it. Every other game that has Sid Meier’s in the title has done it, so I should have been ready. But I underestimated Sid Meier’s Pirates!, and now I am functioning on about 3 hours sleep a night, causing me massive sleep deprivation and making work suck even more than it usually does.
I know I would have made an awesome pirate. Blackbeard, Henry Morgan, Captain Kidd, none of them would have had anything on me. Nobody would be able to best me in a duel, and my sailing and gunnery skills would have no equal. Tiberius is even a cool pirate name.
Wherever you go
On land or on sea
You can’t ever escape
from the Dread Pirate T.
There I am on the deck of my flagship, the Pirate Frigate Imperator, closing on the Spanish Treasure Galleon Santiago which is carrying the King of Spain’s treasure. I fire all cannons at it. It turns to return fire - a full broadside at me. “Turn to port!” My ship turns and the cannonballs go flying past my starboard side.
“Full speed ahead, ready the chain shot…..Fire!” The chain balls find their mark and shred the enemy’s sails. The galleon’s manoeuvrability is gone but I still face a 20 gun broadside. It fires again. “Reef the sails! Hard to starboard!” I turn towards the enemy ship, into their shot, and watch as their cannonballs sail harmlessly over my ship.
Our ships collide with a might crash, boarding hooks are thrown, and I lead my crew onto the galleon. At this point, I have already won. As I said earlier, nobody could beat me in a duel. I meet the enemy captain in battle and quickly dispatch of him with my lightning fast rapier. The ship and its fortune in gold are mine.
On sea and on land, I would be the most awesome pirate. Captains and crews will be shaking in fear whenever they see me in the distance, not knowing if my intention is to sail on by or turn for the attack. Pirate hunters would, somewhat conveniently, never be able to find me, not daring to challenge me, knowing no bounty would be large enough to risk certain death in trying to apprehend me.
Towns and their citizenry will tremble in fear when my ship sails into port, wondering if I am there to sack, loot, and plunder or just resupply and hit the taverns. And all the governors’ daughters will also be trembling – not out of fear but out of anticipation. Anticipation for the chance to remove my pantaloons and be deflowered by the most dangerous and ruggedly handsome and charming pirate that ever sailed the Spanish Main.
Oh yeah. That would rule.
This game, much like the original Civilization did in its time, pretty much sums up what a great game should be – easy to learn the basics so anyone can pick it up, simple to play (though admittedly some of the dancing sequences are bloody difficult) yet with a depth of gameplay requiring much time and effort to truly master it, and most of all, be utterly addictive and entertaining.
Almost everything in the game is a simple point and click interface, whether it be a menu option, the place where you want your ship to go, or on the keypad in the bottom right hand corner of your screen which can be used for steering, dancing, or duelling, or you can use the keypad on your keyboard for it all.
Playing through the ship battles, the duels, the dancing, and the land battles for control of cities and ports - all of it easy but to truly master it (especially on higher difficulties) takes time. Learning when to turn, when to reef your sails, when to thrust and spin to get your timing just right – these things will take time and practice.
The game is open ended. While there is a main objective of sorts – to rescue all four family members and take revenge on the villainous Marquis Montalban who wronged your family, you can still play the full game without completing it. And you can keep on playing once you have done this.
There are four Lost Cities of the Aztecs and Incas, nine famous pirates to defeat and their treasures to find, and many unique items to discover. Somewhere, there will be a lucky Governor’s daughter to wed. And even after doing all those things, you can still play on, attacking ships and looting cities. Work for one nation to gain ranks within it, or be a true pirate and attack anything that comes your way. It is up to you.
You can keep going until you get bored or until the game informs you that your old pirate body can take no more. Taking damage in duels, extended voyages, being thrown in prison or stranded on a deserted island (as a result of getting arrested trying to sneak into a town or losing a duel) will cause you varying degrees of a loss in health and thus shorten your career, but there are items and a special skill you can choose which will help delay the effects of aging.
And yet you more than likely won’t even notice this the first time through. The longer I play this game, the more to it there is to it, and the desire to start a new game and get that last Pirate or that last treasure is there to give me no respite.
I want to stop. I want to move back to Rome: Total War. I want to play through Knights of the Old Republic 2 again. I want to try the myriad of other games I have been wanting to play. But I just can’t do it. Not yet.
Not until I have found all the other pirates’ treasures. Not until I have rescued all my relatives. Not until I have defeated the villainous Marquis. And not until I have found all the Lost Cities and become the most wanted pirate on the Spanish Main. Only then can I retire from my life of piracy.
(cross-posted at A Western Heart)
Now be off, ye scurvy sea dogs. Thar be treasure to find!
© by Tiberius Alatheus 2005