No Thanks, Assholes
As the National Guardsmen (and women) continue to pour into New Orleans this week, order is being restored, people are being evacuated, food and water are being distributed, and the sick and injured are receiving much-needed medical attention. It's a little late, but what the fuck. Better late than never.
Unfortunately, in addition to the truly helpful people headed to New Orleans, there are predictably a shitload of useless, egocentric, glommers-on who are clamoring for attention. Normally, it would be enough just to point and laugh at these mongoloids, but they are quite frankly in the way, and it's up to me to put them in their place:
1) Celine Dion - I appreciate the fact that she has contributed $1 million to relief efforts (and she was one of the first people to do so), but opening up your wallet does not make you an expert on logistics and water distribution. I almost lost my lunch when I saw her on Larry King having what can only be described as a "cow." Hey, if it worked for Mariah Carey, it could work for Celine. Crying and shrieking "Where's the water? Where's the water?" hysterically for five minutes is annoying. Crying and shrieking "Where's the water?" in a French-Canadian accent for five minutes is a crime against humanity. Leave the logistical support to the experts, and we'll leave having sexual intercourse with your great-grandfather to you.
2) Dr. Phil - I just fucking knew this self-serving prick was going to get his mug in front of the camera. For the 1% of you who don't know who Dr. Phil is, he's the big, bald, Harry Mudd looking dipshit who has made a good living off his "psychiatrist" shtick. Getting his start on Oprah a few years ago (not literally, I mean on her show) Dr. Phil has become the "Laverne and Shirley" to her "Happy Days." Predictably, as with all self-help gurus, Dr. Phil is concerned with just one thing: HIMSELF. The good doctor is stationed at the Astrodome in Houston, where thousands of evacuees from New Orleans are sleeping on cots and awaiting word of the status of loved ones. I know his producer or P.R. manager must have thought it was a good idea, but it's just fucking not. When he was talking to a large black man (who didn't know what happened to his father) Dr. Phil actually told the guy "Give the system time to catch up with you." Huh? Then when Dr. Phil put his hand on the guy's shoulder, I thought the dude was going to clock him square in the face. Too bad he didn't.
3) Oprah Winfrey - See Dr. Phil.
4) Lt. General Russel Honore - What do you get when you combine a tremendous ego, huge support from the media, a lack of concern for the safety of others, and almost unlimited control over thousands of National Guard troops? A fucking disaster just waiting to happen. This is the guy to watch in the coming weeks. Mr. Honore (a New Orleans native) takes no shit. He's the take-charge guy in command of all National Guard troops in New Orleans. He walks around amongst the people of the town barking orders at his troops (and the troops from other states who were gracious enough to go to Louisiana to help restore order). This asswipe has his "tough guy" character down pat (and he's always in character, like "Stone Cold").
So what's wrong? He's a fucking asshole, that's what. His main concern is making himself look good at the expense of others (others, who are putting their lives at risk and volunteering to help). I believe there's a description of him somewhere in one of the Working with Morons articles.
But more than just being a self-aggrandizing toolbox, Lt. General Honore is a danger to himself as well as his troops. All the video footage I've seen over the weekend featured Mr. Honore (obligatory phallic cigar in his mouth) yelling and demeaning the troops who are there to restore order. He told one guy "Put down your weapon, goddamnit! You're here to distribute FOOD!" The starving and delusional locals (who are desperate for any kind of leader) cheered an applauded (to the dismay of the Guardsman who had a pretty disappointed look on his face). I've said it before, and I'll say it again. People don't follow dictators, they follow LEADERS. This fraud is nothing more than the Pied Piper of the Week, and it won't be long before he gets one of his men killed. He was on the news again this morning talking about how Guardsmen should not shoot unless they are directly being fired upon. In other words, if they come across a homey brandishing a weapon (or firing into the air) they are not to shoot his sorry ass unless he shoots at them first. Let's see how long it takes for this ass clown to completely fuck up the rescue efforts. While you see nothing but positive press coverage from the dupes and leftists in the media right now, just remember you heard the truth about this guy at the Asylum first.
5) Deepak Chopra - The last thing we need in a time of national crisis is more new-age nonsense. Shove your healing crystals up your ass, Ghandi, we don't need your snake oil. Just shut your pie hole and donate a piece of that billion dollar pile of gold you're sitting on (courtesy of all the naïve, new-age, tarot-card reading, herbal tea drinking, Enya-listening faggots that have given you a perverted legitimacy over the years).
6) Cruise Ship Companies - I know there have been people saying the government should hire a couple of cruise ships for a few months and let the displaced people of New Orleans live on those until their homes are rebuilt. Bad idea. Unless they do some serious screening, it will be a disaster. Nobody wants to ride the Thug Boat.
7) Communist Dictators - Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro, Kim Dung Ill - thanks, but no thanks. We don't need your fucking blood money. And we all know that you're only offering it to make Bush look bad when he accepts it. Actually, one thing Bush has done right over the past week was to say in advance that we will accept any and all offers. So when the commies offered it, and we accepted, it took the humiliation away. It was a pre-emptive, unilateral acceptance, and I'm sure the communist shitbags (in this country and abroad) were once again caught off guard.
8) Sean Penn - No explanation needed. Fucking moron.
Everyone else, your contributions are always welcome (and appreciated)!
Though no explanation is needed for the fuckwit Sean Penn, you should still go here and read one....
© by Michael Cooper 2005