N'awlins: My kinda town
The Asylum would like to welcome special guest contributor Calvin Leshon Goldtooth, reporting directly from the hurricane ravaged city of New Orleans.
Yo, yo, yo, what's up, niggaz? This is Calvin Leshon Goldtooth, better known to my homies as Sir Loots-a-Lot. I'm tellin' you this city is crowded, flooded, and it's beginning to stink. So, how did I get this new computer, you ask? Well let's just say that the electronics store wasn't guarded too good.
I know a lots of people have been sayin' things have gotten real bad for the people of New Orleans, but it's been pretty good to me. Things were getting real nice for a couple days, but then the rescue helicopters tried to come in and crash my party. How'd I get rid of them? Let's just say that the gun store wasn't guarded too good either. I don't want no aid workers comin' in and fuckin' up my fun.
I'd like to say how much I appreciates the white liberals and black community leaders who been stickin' up for my behavior this week. And I hope they keep them excuses coming, because I just raped a woman over at the Superdome. Hey, I wasn't getting' too much pussy BEFORE the hurricane, and now I have nothin'. It's the same reasoning they use to explain my stealing, and it's good enough for me.
I also agree with the people who say that President Bush done fucked up the recovery. He should have taken all the National Guard members out of I-raq, and flew them to New Orleans. That way, it would have taken them five MONTHS to get here instead of just five DAYS. This is a violation of my civil rights!
I know that some people think I'm not gonna have much of a future when the Marines catch up to me, but that's bullshit. Every theft, shooting and rape I commit brings me one step closer to "role model" status within the rapper community. Just look at Snoop Dogg. Hell, I may even get to be on a Chrysler commercial playin' golf with Mr. Lee Iatolla hisself.
And speaking of cars, some people might want to know how I get around without no gasoline. Lucky for me, the old lady next door had a new electric wheelchair. And she was probably gonna die soon anyway. My friends make fun of me for riding a pimped-out wheelchair up and down the street, but they won't be laughing once I get those spinning hubcaps put on.
I've also been doin' some standup comedy to make extra cash. I do a good Jerry Seinfeld impression. Check this out: "What's gonna happen when they rebuild New Orleans? What are they going to CALL it? I mean, it's already called "NEW Orleans"…. I guess they'll have to call it NEW New Orleans. Or New and IMPROVED Orleans. What about Orleans 3.0?"
Pretty good, ain't it? Every time I do it over at the Convention Center, people laugh real loud and give me all the money, water, and food they have. I guess you could say I've got a "captive audience." At least until me and my homies run out of ammo.
Anyways, that's all I have for now. I gots to get back to the important task of repopulating my neighborhood. Where the fuck did Shaniqua run off to, anyway?
Oh, and if you see an old lady with leg braces floating face-down on Bourbon Street, give her my regards.
PEACE!
For more examples of the mindset of this piece of shit, head on over to any leftist site and have a read of the compassion for those "stupid Bush-voting niggers" who will be getting "not one dime" in assistance from leftist shitheads like Calvin here (which is all leftists everywhere). But if you want to donate something to help people who need it, head on to any conservative site (several on my links page) and you will find many links to charitable organisations.
© by Calvin Leshon Goldtooth 2005