Working out with Morons
You all know the different morons that seem to exist in every workplace around the world, and it seems that no matter which gym you go to, there are always the same morons there.
The Lazy Fat Slag Moron
This is the fat ass bitch who hogs a bike or treadmill for an hour but does not actually break a sweat. This does not apply to all fat asses at the gym. Some of them are there because they are tired of being fat asses and want to do something about it and so work hard and get their heart rate up and actually do a workout and that is admirable. But this fat bitch gets on there and cycles or walks so slowly that there is no benefit at all – just wasting the time of people who actually intend to do a workout on the equipment.
The Grunting Moron
This is the guy that has to grunt and groan with every rep he does – even if it is a warm up set with just the empty bar. Needs a good smash in the face with a 50kg weight.
The Delusional Slutty Moron
This is the bitch who thinks she is hot and wears the skimpiest outfit and will take the piece of equipment right next to you or in front of you even if every other piece of equipment is free in an attempt to get you to look at her. Of course being so hideously ugly, looking at her would cause you to go into convulsions and preclude you from cracking a boner for a week.
The Actual Slutty Moron
This is the bitch who actually is hot and wears the skimpiest outfit and will take the piece of equipment right next to you or in front of you even if every other piece of equipment is free in an attempt to get you to look at her. This would not be so bad if you were there to try and score instead of being there to actually do a workout. Also would not be so bad if you could not literally see the STDs leaping off her.
The Wannabe Moron
This is the guy who wants to show off how tough and strong he is so loads up with weights but uses momentum and inertia to move the weights instead of muscle. You can watch his balls shrink up into his stomach when an instructor sees him doing it wrong and corrects his technique. Now he can no longer move the weights and so has to take most of the weights off. Especially fun to watch when the instructor stands by and makes sure he does it right so he can’t even save face (so he thinks) by just continuing to do it all wrong.
The Balding Paedophile Moron
This is the male equivalent of the Delusional Slutty Moron. Some fat, smelly, balding 40 year old sleaze with only some greasy hair at the back who thinks he is hot and thinks all the women in the gym are after him when really all the women would like to see him under a bus. He doesn't even get it when he (like the aforementioned Slutty Morons) takes the piece of equipment right next to some chick even when every other piece is free, and then she gets up and goes to another piece of equipment.
Update 2/11/04
A reader named Paul identifies another moron
The "Oooohhhh look at my muscles while I lift ridiculously huge amounts of weights" Moron
This is the guy who actually has the big (drug induced) muscles and when he does his workout out he always watches them contract as he does dumbbells etc. Then when he goes out i.e. movies etc. he wears nothing but tight shirts (and pants of course) so you have to see his drug enhanced... I mean... big muscles. When he orders his food at a restaurant its usually a salad- wtf is wrong with a kg steak, pussy?- and a protein shake (probably gets his other protein by sucking dick)
Paul is dead on with that one. As if sucking dick for money to be able to afford all the steroids this moron takes isn't bad enough, there is the fact that the steroids will also make his testicles shrivel up to the size of sultanas. Fuck that for a joke. Sorry but I will take small muscles and big balls over big muscles and sultana balls any day.
Update 8/11/04
Still more morons I have missed. Former presidential hopeful Michael Cooper identifies two morons who didn't vote for him (and most likely whom he would not want to vote for him)
The Motivational T-Shirt Wearing Moron
These assholes think that wearing a T-shirt with hackneyed slogans such as "Pain is weakness leaving the body," is going to impress us. It doesn't. The shirt may as well just say "I'm a complete fucking loser, can ya tell?" Even if this type of slogan WAS motivational, how would this dipshit even SEE it? He's wearing the fucking shirt. This goes double for everyone who wears a T-shirt with "You suck" or "It must suck to be you." I once saw a girl with a shirt that said "I've never lost!" She must have been low on cash when she ordered the shirt. That would explain why the last word wasn't on it. It should have said "I've never lost WEIGHT," since the 16 year old girl wearing it was pushing 300 lbs.
The Unknown Gender Moron
Every gym has one of these. A woman with an Adam's apple is about the last thing I want to see. I'm there to work out (and yes, check out the hot chicks). I don't want to look at some hermaphrodite wearing a belly shirt. If I wanted to look at men, I'd be a homo. Oh, and wearing lipstick and eye shadow only makes things worse. Women who have 'roided up to this point should not leave the house, because children are terrified of them.
And a reader named Johnny nails two more
The "I'm here for the social atmosphere" moron
This guy arrives at the gym, changes into his workout gear, and proceeds to walk around the gym for the next three hours talking to anyone who doesn't run away. Said person has never done a workout and will never use a machine, except to lean on while doing 'stretching exercises' and of course talking. This moron isn't too bad given the fact that he isn't actually consuming valuable time on any of the equipment.
Team Moron
This is not so much one person as a whole team of morons, usually consisting of 4-5 members. One of the members of the team will make the bold move of attempting a bench press or using the machine, while the other members of the group assemble said equipment and coach the moron through the entire undertaking, even helping the moron lift the actual weight or whatever. Thus as a group they can lift four or five times the weight that a single moron would otherwise be able to, somehow making the exercise better.
Excellent work guys. Keep 'em coming.
Update 14/11/04
And a reader named Mike B identifies two more Morons
The Hardcore Headbanger Moron
This is the moron who can't workout (or shut up about the music played in the gym) if the stereo he brings isn't blaring fucking Metallica at 200 decibels. I came to work out, not blow my hearing. If you want music go to a show.
The Wannabe Trainer Moron
This is the moron who tells you to do another 50 sit-ups or another 20 reps despite the fact that they haven't lifted in their lives and just happened to be walking past you. If you're not my coach, and you're not paying me, or I'm not paying you - JUST SHUT UP!
I gotta say the response to this has been fantastic, so I am also throwing open submissions for a special reader edition of Working With Morons. My first two can be found here and here. Email me with any I have missed.
Have I missed any? Email me and let me know if I have....
© by Tiberius Alatheus 2004