Of Morals and Mario Kart
Talk of a civil war in the comments of this post got me thinking….
Many years ago back in the day when Mario Kart 64 had taken over the world and cries of “I’m-a Wario. I’m-a gonna wina” could be heard coming out of televisions everywhere, I was undisputed Lord and Master. (I was also even more undisputedly Lord and Master of GoldenEye 007. I remain to this day undefeated when playing in The Complex with Power Weapons but that is a tale for another day….)
Friends and cousins who had usually beaten me at Super Mario Kart now fell by the wayside. The races still held some competition and threw up some interesting results but Battle Mode was all mine. One night my friends and cousins had decided that my reign as supreme Mario Kart 64 champion was to end. It was a gathering at my house where they started playing to find the best three of them to take me on.
My first challenger was my friend since Primary School – the Toad Terror. A Super Mario Kart master who narrowly won that title from my second challenger with a score of 20-18 in their showdown for the title of Super Mario Kart Battle Mode Master.
My second opponent was my cousin – the Mario Mangler. Though narrowly missing out on the Super Mario Kart title, he comprehensively beat the Toad Terror for the title of Super Smash Brothers Master. (The Super Smash Brothers: Melee Master was never officially decided but it was a good bet he was probably going to win that too)
And my third adversary was a friend since high school – the Princess Peach Punisher. Though not much chop at Super Mario Kart, he came into his own at Mario Kart 64. Not bad in racing but in Battle Mode you could not underestimate him.
These three had one mission in 4 player Battle Mode that night – to eliminate me. They were to work together to pop my balloons. Even once the first two were eliminated and had become bombs, they were to target me.
They tried. They worked together well. They set traps. They tried to double team me (though thanks to my excellent driving with Yoshi this did backfire on them a couple of times). I must give them full credit for trying as hard as they did. These were the three best players I had the pleasure of playing against….and I slaughtered them bitches 10-0.
Three on one and I beat them ten games straight. That was all they could take. They surrendered. I was crowned undisputed Lord and Master of Mario Kart 64 and retired for the night.
We did still get together for games after that night but there was no longer any crowing when they beat me. They knew it was an aberration. It meant nothing.
Then one day I was cruising around Toys ‘R Us when I came into the video games section and there they had 2-player Mario Kart 64 going with a group of kids having a Champ & Challenger racing game. Winner stays on, loser goes off. I had nothing to prove so I just stood back and watched. Bunny hunting didn’t interest me.
The kid who was winning and winning consistently was above average. He knew the tracks and could handle his kart reasonably well. But what an attitude on the little shithead.
“You suck.”
“You’re shit at this game”
“You can’t drive for crap can you?”
I kid you not. This little 10 year old shithead was spewing these lines at guys much older and bigger than him - even at a guy who towered close to eight inches over me when he beat him. That was it. This little turd is going to pay. (And no - the fact he was 10 years old made no difference to me. He was a moron who needed a lesson and I am happy to teach these morons no matter what their age)
“I’ll give you a race," I said.
After getting a Super Start and leaving him in the dust for the entire race, on the last lap he knew he was fucked so asked me, “Do you want to play battle mode instead?”
Ha ha ha ha ha! Big mistake you little shit. “Okay,” I said. “Racing is boring when you are so far in front”
So he loads up Battle Mode and I begin to teach him even more of a lesson. After smashing him with two green shells then dropping a fake item box in his face he quickly started another game where I got him with the Star Triple. I ram him with invincibility star and slam on the brakes. I reverse back into him just as he stops bouncing around and hit him again, then drive forward and bust his last balloon. In fifteen seconds the game is over.
He went to start another game but I said “No. You lost. You’re too shit at this game to play me. Give someone else a go”
So the poor wittle bunny wabbit hands over the controller to someone else. I just mucked around for a few more minutes (as I said – I had no interest in bunny hunting) then handed the control over to someone else. I turned around to see who wanted a go and the little shit was there. I told him “No. You have already had a go” and gave it to someone else.
Then I walked away.
The only reason I started playing was to teach that little shithead a lesson. If he had of just gone on winning game after game – no worries. I would have watched him for a bit and then walked away. But when he started with the “You suck” routine – well I had to show him that he was not as good or as tough as he thought he was.
And I guess that is the moral for all you leftist pieces of shit out there. You might think you are good and tough in your various endeavours but you aren’t. And I suggest you watch your shit-eating selves because should we decide to show you that you are not as good or as tough as you think you are, you better watch out as I can promise you that our lesson will not be in the form of a video game.
Fuck with us, you leftist pieces of shit and we will make you bleed.
© by Tiberius Alatheus 2004