Learn to drive, dickheads.
It is one of those things that almost everyone does even though the vast, vast majority of them should never have passed their test. I think it is all over the world. And especially Australia.
Particularly in Perth. Sydney has the worst bus drivers (hurtling around those tiny city streets at 80kph), Melbourne has the most stupid pedestrians (on my last work trip to Melbourne, THREE separate instances of pedestrians trying to kill themselves by jumping in front of my taxi - all on the way from the airport to the hotel) but Perth has the worst drivers without question.
I can say without hesitation I am an excellent driver. I've never caused an accident and never been in one (mainly due to my excellent reflexes in avoiding all you dipshit drivers out there).
“Move it, dickhead! It’s only a gas pedal. It’s not gonna bite.”
The worst drivers are:
Old people
I know you think you are good drivers but you are not. You are too slow, you can't identify when the road is dual lane when the lines aren't marked, and even when they are marked you can't keep the car straight in your lane, and you are generally oblivious to everything else around you. And god fucking forbid you should use your indicator when turning. The only time old people seem to have their indicator on is when they are travelling straight down the fucking road at 30kmh below the fucking speed limit.
All you do is cause frustration and confusion in other motorists which causes them to have accidents that they get blamed for even though it is your fault for driving like morons. I will bet that most accidents are not caused by speed as such. More correctly, they are caused other motorists having to speed up to overtake some stupid old coot swerving from side to side in his lane travelling at 40kmh below the speed limit.
Either do the speed limit or stay the fuck off the road.
Asians
I am reminded of an episode of South Park, where the townsfolk ask the owner of City Wok to build a Great Wall around their city. After taking offence at the assumption that just because he's Chinese it means he goes around building walls, he comes out with something like "I'm a regular person. I eat rice and drive really slow just like the rest of you. I'm not a stereotype."
As is typical with South Park, they were dead on the money. Much like old people they can't pick a dual lane carriageway and are too slow.
While I know some who are excellent drivers and have neither caused nor been in an accident, this still holds for the majority of them.
Women
There are two distinct groups here. You got the older women who are too damn scared to drive (and god forbid they should need to make a right hand turn across a couple of lanes of traffic) and the other is your young "you go girl" 90's bitches who think they can do anything better than men, including driving like a retard. And they normally do - speeding up to red light, swerving into the other lane even though anyone with half a fucking brain can see there is a blockage further up, and so need to swerve back into the lane they were just travelling (all without indicating of course), and generally exhibiting absolutely zero ability to read the play and anticipate traffic flows or even what fucking lane they need to be in to make a certain turn (which indicates it is safe to assume that they really have no idea where they are going, either.)
Again, I know some women who are excellent drivers but they are in the minority.
“It’s D for drive, shithead!”
People with sporting team number plates
This is strange in that it seems that shit drivers gravitate towards certain teams. Collingwood, Carlton, and the West Coast Eagles are no surprise given that most of their fans are about the biggest fucksticks you could meet but what I don't get is why some many dipshit drivers have Perth Glory plates?
Other teams like Fremantle, Hawthorn, Geelong, Essendon, St Kilda - all the people I have seen with these plates seem to drive fine even though Fremantle has some real dickhead supporters as well.
Wogs
While Greeks, Italians, Lebs, Slavs, and Maceos are all included, it is fair to say that it is not limited to them and really could be considered more of a "mindset" category rather than an ethnic category.
Again you got some who can drive well but you've got more who can't drive for shit but somehow think they can. A good indicator is if you see a car with a really stupid and ugly looking spoiler on it (in this case, truly living up to its name by ‘spoiling’ the look of what would otherwise be a pretty sweet ride) and/or those stupid spinning hubcaps and/or a moron with a baseball cap on backwards/sideways driving it.
If you see one or more of those things chances are you have a wog or at least a "wannabe" wog (you know – sad, pathetic white boys with scrawny arms but trying to look, talk, and act like tough wogs) behind the wheel.
One day back in high school, we were walking down to the shops after an exam and a dumb as pig shit wog from school (Slav in this case I think) was driving past and tried to drive up onto the footpath to block us. As he did however, he drove over the water meter of the house we were in front of.
The problem was not the water meter as such, so much as the solid concrete block over the top of the meter that the home owner had put there to protect the meter from dickheads driving up on the footpath over his lawn. All you hear is this horrible metallic, grinding, scraping sound and the look on his face as it changed from "He he. I'm a tough a guy who masturbates every night to gay porn" to "Oh no. I have just ripped the bottom of my car to shreds. I am such a dickhead" was fucking priceless.
He then quickly slinks off around the corner where he no doubt stopped his car to see what damage he had done. Fucking moron. Last I heard he was pumping gas and cleaning service station toilets for a living.
“There oughta be a goddamn law, driving without a brain!”
Courier drivers
I am sure that you must not be able to drive like a normal person to qualify. I can see an interview going like this "Well you are hard working, you are dedicated, you have excellent references but I am sorry to say I can't give you the job. You simply drive too well and have more than one point left on your license. You are too good to be a courier driver"
There was this one dipshit courier driver who comes around a corner, forcing me to swerve into the other lane to avoid his sorry ass so I take the only course of action open to me. I lay on the horn for 30 seconds, speed up and cut in front of him so close I force him to swerve on to the shoulder.
People with any sort of left wing, ani war stickers on their car
As Michael Cooper pointed out there is a relationship between how you (don't) think and how you drive and sure enough, all leftwing fuckheads drive like the stupid fuckheads they are.
Surfies/Waxheads/Fin dicks
It would appear that all that sun has fried the part of their brains responsible for good driving. (Either that or all the drugs) A group of us were meeting at the cinema when a couple of our crew who got a ride with the surfie of the group came up looking quite distressed. We asked them what was wrong and they pull us aside and say "Can we get a lift home with you guys? We are NOT getting back in the car with him. We swear the instructor must have passed him so he wouldn't come back and maybe have to get in the car with him again"
But you don't need direct exposure to work out they are shit drivers. Just cruise down any coastal road and see them driving slow and swerving all over the road in a bid to spot where the good surf is at. Listen, fuckheads. Stay in your own fucking lane or I’ll make sure you and car join the surf permanently.
These are the main categories. If you can think of any others, let me know.
Extra cred if you can pick the film quotes off the top of your head.....
© by Tiberius Alatheus 2006