More Job Tips for the Socially Retarded
This is a great
time in America's economy, and opportunities abound. And as good as this quarter
has been, there is strong evidence that next quarter is going to be even better.
All you need is a good work ethic, a set of marketable job skills, and the
desire to succeed. Unfortunately, for many Americans, this is just too much to
ask. That's why we're always making fun of the voluntary poor here at the
Asylum...
Although
previous
groundbreaking
articles written
by Tiberius and
me have been copied and plagiarized, we’re cool with it. Look for these on a
mainstream jobs website soon (but remember that you read them here FIRST).
Here's what you need to do (but this is the last time, goddamnit).
1) If you don't have the skills needed for the job, don't give me the "I'm
interested in learning" line. Learn the damn skill (or at least take ten minutes
to go over my company's website before showing up). You don't have to prove that
you're smarter than I am (because you're not). All you have to do is distinguish
yourself from the rest of the losers who want to work for me (but can't be
bothered to actually LEARN about what it is my company does).
2) Don't dress like a bum. I've railed on about this before, but not everyone is
listening. And for Christ's sake, leave your piercings at home. I'll admit that
a relatively new trend (attractive chicks wearing a tiny - and I do mean TINY -
diamond stud in their nose) is quite sexy. But if you're fugly, it only makes it
worse. And hide those fucking tats. No professional organization is going to
hire someone who looks like The Undertaker. I don't care if you know somebody
who is "really smart" who is covered head to toe in tattoos and piercings. They
are immature and unprofessional. Don't like it? Tough shit. Go work at
Starbucks.
3) DO use a normal-sounding email address on your resume. This isn't college,
and I’m not a member of your retarded Renaissance group. Email addresses such
as DungeonMaster666, PartySlut83, or ChewbaccaFan aren't going to get you in the
door. You may be a good person, but if your email address is spanker_wanker69,
I'm calling the cops.
....And don't use your current company's email address as your main contact on
your resume, dumbass.
4) Don't drone on or "chat" with me about the position (over the phone or in
person). My time is limited. Tell me what you've done in your career, what you
know about my company, and how you can help me. Even if you're not an exact fit,
I may know someone who needs your skills (which brings me to)....
5) Network - I'd be willing to say that most people find out about jobs from a
friend or former co-worker more than any other source. I'm not talking about ass
kissing or going to the boss' golf outings. I'm saying that you should make
business contacts and keep the lines of communication open with people you've
worked for (or with) in the past. Former co-workers, bosses, or customers will
do more for you than a recruiter or Monster.com ever will. This brings me to the
most important tip in this article:
6) Don't be afraid to burn bridges. Most "experts" will tell you that throwing a
bad manager under the bus when you leave a company is a bad idea. That may be
true if you simply didn't get along, but it's certainly not true if your
boss was a complete dick. Besides, you can't burn a bridge that's already been
blown up. Just tell the truth (in a professional way), and make sure the H.R.
Department gets a copy of your resignation letter (be specific and include
documentation about what this person did). The people who are suffering under
this manager will LOVE you for it (and they will often be in a position to help
you down the road, where the asshole most likely won't). There is
nothing to be gained by being "nice" to a manager who treated you like
shit (and I don't mean gave legitimate criticism of your performance, but
someone who was a complete fucking asshole and made everyone's life a living
hell). There is a good chance that this person's boss knows about the situation
(but doesn't have enough evidence to fire them). You owe it to yourself (and
those you leave behind) to make your case known to upper management so they
can fix the situation after you leave.
7) If you have a zit, cold sore, or a burst blood vessel in your eye, DON'T come
to see me. But if you MUST come see me, make sure you at least explain that the
bloody eye thing isn't permanent. Jesus..
8) If you're a slut, single mom, or semi-retired geezer, don't put it on your
resume. None of these are things to be proud of, and companies aren't allowed to
ask (so don't advertise it). I also don't want to know that you've been taking
care of your Alzheimer's mom for the past year, so just keep it to yourself. If
I have any questions about gaps in work history, I'll ask you. Spare me the
details, Mother Theresa.
9) I don't care that you were citizen of the month or lunch monitor in Jr. High.
And don't put down your work at McDonalds back in the 12th grade. It's not
relevant.
10) Do play up your military service. If you've just gotten back from Iraq, I'm
more apt to want to find you a good job. Don't worry, most leftist douche bags
who hate America and the military aren't in positions of power (except for the
entertainment industry and hippy bookstores). But if you ARE a veteran, please
stop with the "Yes sir," "No, sir," shit. It's too much.
11) Update your skills. If you spent 20 years selling camera film then lost your
job last year because everyone finally went digital, you'd better have a damn
good reason for not seeing that one coming. I don't care if you were the #1
sales guy for selling Betamax VCRs in 1982. Get with it.
12) Don't insinuate that I'm going to discriminate against you. I hire people
from all races and creeds (as long as you have the background and
professionalism I'm looking for). Telling me not to be scared off by your Indian
or Chinese accent is an insult to me. Insulting me will not win you any favors.
13) Don't cram your resume with a huge run-on block of useless information I
don't care about (even if it's GOOD information which shows what a genius you
are, I won't take the time to sort through it all). Nobody is going to read that
shit. And if it's longer than two pages, it's going in the trash.
14) Get a car. Yes,
this seems like an obvious one, but I've run into two applicants recently who
don't have a fucking car. I'm not sure how in the hell they expected to get the
job in the first place. Unless you live in New Jersey and commute via train into
NYC, you need a car. And I don't want any runners or bicycle freaks. There's
nothing worse than showing up to work sweaty (or coming back from a five-mile
run during your lunch hour, dripping with sweat, with your retarded yellow
wristband stinking up the joint).
I realize that past generations used to worry about young, recent college
graduate taking their job, but those days are over. It would be pure fantasy to
expect one of the ham-and-eggers coming out of college today coming close to
being as valuable to my company (or any company other than some shit insurance
organization) as I am. I'm glad to see that I have no competition (and believe
me, many of you are in the same boat as I am). But I still need to find good
help, and the leftist shitbags in the universities are undermining America's
capitalist engine by cranking out dipshits who can't write, speak well, follow
directions, or actually work.
Leftist fuckheads are too stupid and lazy to get real jobs, which is why they want everyone else to support them via welfare. Fuck these leftist fuckheads. The only welfare they should get is a bullet through the eye.
© by Michael Cooper 2006