From the Mind of Madness – Issue 02
Perhaps this is more of a cathartic exercise than anything else. Who knows?
While I have never professed any bond of brotherhood to any male purely on the basis of him being a male, I have come to the realisation of some things that others need to know.
These are things women do not want you to know. These things are what make it easy for women to escape all portion of blame for the ending of a relationship. All these things will come up in your mind – some directly put there by women, others will creep in from society and media – and all these things serve to do nothing less than make you take full responsibility for whatever happens even when (on the rare occasion when it truly and solely is all her fault)
You will note in a previous post I mentioned giving my beloved another couple of weeks to sort herself out and, well, it turns out she didn’t want another couple of weeks. So be it.
Some background:
A few months ago I went on a holiday with my ex. I saw it as a last ditch effort to rekindle what we had and in that I was successful. I can tell you now that I loved this woman more than I had anyone else in my life. I loved her when we were first together and I loved her through the year that we weren’t and I still loved her come that holiday.
Yes we both had problems – hers stemming in particular from two of her previous relationships but things had changed. By her own words she no longer even saw the nine year age difference between us and that the year apart had given her a better look at me and helped her conclude that I truly was sincere in my feelings for her and not just a young punk after some mature pussy. Her words, not mine.
We both agreed to completely apply ourselves to this new relationship. Yes I still loved her more than she loved me but we both recognised this and just accepted it as fact. And I can say that this time around the relationship was completely different and infinitely better than before.
So where did things go wrong?
The more I look at this, it seems things went wrong with her long before I was ever on the scene.
I have learned a few things from this. Some of them I suspected all along, others I too, like thousands of others, have been sucked into and deluded by.
Don’t get me wrong – while I am bitterly disappointed things did not work out for us, it ends this time with none of the utter devastation I felt the last time it ended. It was a calm and rational discussion and we are still on speaking terms (whether or not we will still be friends - I suppose that will play itself out over the next few weeks) I did my best for her and it wasn't enough - that is her problem not mine anymore.
So what have I learned?
Love is not enough:
The next time you are having a discussion and someone mentions that “we are too different” or something similar and someone else responds with “All you need is love” or “If you love each other it doesn’t matter” you now know better.
The more you two love each other, the easier things are to overcome and the greater range of things you can overcome. But some things are just too big. Sometimes you are just too different.
I know I loved her as much and as totally as I could but it was not enough. For her. Remember that for that is the key point. If it is not enough for her it is her problem not yours.
I am not the easiest person to live with (which is why we were not living together) and I do stupid and annoying things without thinking so I can be a frustration but everything I did I approached with the single philosophy of how to make her happy. I wanted to make her happy because seeing her happy and knowing I was the cause of it made me very happy.
Never once did I do anything malicious to hurt her. Never once did I lie or deceive her about anything. Even, when due to her own issues she didn’t like the truth and where it would have been beneficial to lie to her, I still didn’t lie to her.
Now perhaps you will say that it is my fault for not lying to her but if that is what it takes – I don’t want to have to spend the next 40 or 50 years together having to remember and tell the same lies over and over.
The little things will go unnoticed:
The fact it is you who is 99% of the time driving 40 minutes to see her. The fact that rarely do you ever go to the cinema closest to your house instead of driving 30 minutes to go to the one closest to her house even when, some time ago, you both agreed to alternate. The fact that while she supplies 99% of the breakfasts (as a result of you 99% of the time driving to her house) you supply 99% of the lunches, dinners, and coffees etc. The fact you give up half your weekend with your dogs to spend time with her and help her groom and walk her dogs. The fact you put yourself out and try to keep your schedule as flexible as possible so as to spend time with her.
All these things will go unnoticed. While she may try and say you don’t do anything for her – remember these and know that you do a hell of a lot for her. Don’t get sucked into taking the guilt trip she is trying to put you on of “Maybe I should have done more”
Sex is a bonus factor – not an essential one. (Information overload warning – depending on how much you want to know about Tiberius you may want to skip this section)
This one becomes critical if you find out you have been cheated on (though do let me say that my ex-beloved may be many things and have many problems but being a cheat is not one of them.) It is also good news for all you Pee Wee’s and quick finishers out there.
It is with no false modesty that I can say I am above average size. It is also with no false modesty that I can say that I have excellent staying power. This was elevated to almost superhuman levels thanks to the medication I was taking. One of the many side effects (though for someone my age it is definitely an added bonus – not so good for older guys who will end up with heart palpitations from the effort required but I am still a long way off from that point) of anti-depressants is delayed ejaculation.
You can literally bang away for hours and not climax. It can get frustrating for you when after an hour and a half you are no closer to release than you were an hour ago, but there will be no complaints from your woman who is about to pass out from her umpteenth orgasm that session and her glowing esteem to you will make it worthwhile.
In honest assessment, it does not get better than that for a 35 year old woman – especially when it is with someone who loved her more than he had ever loved anyone else.
But that was not enough and clearly did not factor into her thinking. Merewenne will confirm this. I will see if she will post her “Must haves” for a relationship.
It is instinctive when you are cheated on to start thinking what it is about you and what this guy has that you don’t. And while this does not make the feeling of being disembowelled any easier to bear, I hope it does give some heart that it is not your sexual performance in question and that a big schlong and hot sex are not required for a lasting relationship. It may very well be one her issues and all her fault. (Although it could also be yours if you are a complete prick to her but I suspect you already knew that)
So don’t let her say it was because you were lacking in some way. Your fast finishes and small willies are not the real cause so don’t put that on yourself and don’t let her put that on you either.
You can do everything right and still fail.
This is a hard one to learn as it denies every law of logic we govern ourselves by. But it still remains so. You can do everything for her. You can strike the perfect balancing of being open and communicative without being self centred. You can spend lots of time with her yet never crowd her or overwhelm her. You can always be there for her yet never take away her independence. You can do all this and she can still find fault or find reason why things aren’t working.
By all means, seriously ask yourself “What more could I do?” and you think long and hard about it and if the honest answer is “nothing more short of becoming an indentured servant” then once again – the problem is not on your end and so don’t berate yourself for it.
Some things just will not work no matter how hard you are willing to try. Unless she is willing to try just as hard as you, it may be doomed to failure. One of the things she mentioned was the experience gap between us and quite frankly that is a fair call. She has had a world of experiences that I have not but here comes the part where it is doomed to failure:
She has only a few years left to decide if she wants to have kids or not. And she does not believe I will be ready in that time because of my youth and the experience gap. What she does have in her head is that someone older who does not already have kids is going to want to start a family right away and they will get married and live happily ever after.
And no I am not simplifying that. That is the plan she has in her head.
A number of times I have asked how, when so many other older men, no – scratch that, every other older man she has met has completely bucked her plan of things and never have I gotten an answer any more logical than “because”.
That is the plan she has laid out and quite frankly, come those few years, I think she is going to be bitterly disappointed. I am not saying I am her last hope, but right now I am her best hope.
Here is what I mean – you can do everything you can, have everything going your way, but she has something in her head that you just can’t work around.
Bottom line is to accept it that it was not meant to be.
I think there is something in that for all of us, don't you?.
© by Tiberius Alatheus 2004