From the Mind of Madness – Issue 01
I have decided to start a new feature here where I will dispense advice on whatever. Here in this case I got an email from a fan which I replied to. Then I got to thinking that others could do with this advice so I have posted it here. I will happily dispense advice on whatever you ask me about or whatever I think you need.
So let’s get to it.
A reader writes:
A guy in my shop is kissing Kerry's ass, any views?
My response was something like:
As for the Kerry Ass Kisser I would suggest you tell him you are going to play a little game.
Say that you are going to pretend to be a terrorist and he can be himself or Kerry or whoever. Basically this game involves you beating him until he cries like a little bitch.
After beating him for a bit, you say something like "If you say 'Kerry sucks dead donkeys' dicks just as I also do' I will stop beating you."
Being a Kerry supporter, he is clearly a leftwing shitbag coward and will cry readily and quickly submit to your demands. And once he does say it (and he will), continue to beat him some more.
When he tries to make some protest about you not keeping your promise, say "You are right. I am sorry. If you say 'Kerry likes to be fucked up his arse with a bottle of French dressing and so do I but I prefer Thousand Island dressing' I will stop beating you."
Once he says it you of course continue to beat him. When he tries to mount some protest again about you not keeping your word, you say "Remember? I am pretending to be a terrorist. I can't be reasoned with and nothing you say or do is ever going to make stop wanting to beat you. This is what terrorists are like and this is what you and Kerry want us to surrender to. Do you want to keep playing this game or have you learned enough?"
You can stop beating him now (or give him a couple more shots for good measure) and say something like "Aren't you glad I was just pretending to be a terrorist? You should be because if I were a real one like the Palestinians and those we are fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan you and your family would be dead by now instead of your family being unharmed and you crying like a little bitch."
There is also a variation of the game you can play. Tell any leftist shitbag that no matter what happens and no matter what you say, if they keep poking you in the arm with their finger, you will give them x amount of dollars.
Whatever amount you choose - $50, $100, $500, $1000 – count it out and place it in view so they know you are not joking. Tell them that all they have to do is keep poking you in the arm and if you get tired and give up before they get tired and stop poking you, they can have the money.
Now what you do is ignore the poking for a while. Once it starts to annoy you, ask them politely to stop it. Ask again and again. They say you are getting annoyed and ask them to stop again. Say you will get your friends to come and help you.
Let them keep poking you for a while and then you can do one of two things quickly and without warning
a) break their poking finger; or
b) king hit them in the face
They will most likely look in shock, horror, and confusion at you. Take this time to remind them that if they don’t resume poking you in the arm, they lose the game and you keep the money. If they continue poking, you king hit them again or break another finger and so on and so forth.
Once the game is over and you put your money away, say something like “I hope you learned a lesson today. Your poking me was just like a terrorist attack. I asked you nicely and you kept on doing it. I ask you angrily and you kept on doing it. I threatened to get my friends and you kept on doing it. And yet after all that talking and diplomacy you kept on doing it. All that did nothing. But notice how as soon as you were met with force, you stopped it for good. Such is how you deal with terrorists. All of Kerry’s talking will do nothing. All of Bush’s action will get results”
Again I recommend sticking the boots in a couple of extra times to make sure they get the message.
And so ends the first issue of From the Mind of Madness.
Got issues you need advice with? Want to report feedback after trying the techniques used in this or other columns? Got some ideas of your own you wish to share? Then drop me an email
© by Tiberius Alatheus 2004