An Interview with Sean Penn
Tiberius: I guess I should start by asking why you are such a dumbass.
Sean Penn: I’m not a dumbass!
T: Yes you are. You are a Democrat voting leftist, therefore, are clearly a dumbass.
SP: Oh yeah. I guess you are right.
T: Why are you such a traitor and why do you think people so stupid as to believe all your crap about how happy Iraqis were under Saddam?
SP: You mean you didn’t believe me?
T: No. Nobody with a functioning brain cell believed you – which is why only all the Democrat voting leftist dumbass traitors believed you.
SP: Damn it!
T: So why did you tell those outright lies?
SP: Because Saddam made me.
T: He made you?
SP: Yes he made me. See, when I went over there and first met him, I was so immediately in love with him. He was just so manly, and that moustache was driving me insane. I had to have him then and there. And he wanted me as much as I wanted him – or so I thought.
T: He didn’t?
SP: No. Oh sure he would whisper sweet nothings in my ear and run his fingers through my hair ever so tenderly as I was deep-throating his personal scud missile, but when I questioned him about why his people hated him so much when he was obviously such a nice and oh so sexy guy, he turned into a monster. He even cut one of my testicles off and threatened to take the other one if I didn’t return home and tell everyone how happy everyone was.
T: I am surprised you even had a testicle for him to take.
SP: And now I only have one. You want to see? [stands up and begins to undo his belt]
T: No I don’t. Sit down before I break your knee caps. So I am guessing that you finally discovered that Saddam really was just as he is portrayed on South Park.
SP: Don’t mention that shit show to me!
T: Oh that’s right. Trey Parker and Matt Stone bent you over and pounded your ass with Team America: World Police. Bwa ha ha ha ha ha. They sure got your number. Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha.
SP: They are a pair of irresponsible dicks!
T: You did make that claim in a letter you wrote them, didn’t you?
SP: That’s because they are. They said that it was good for people not to vote. That is irresponsible.
T: But if people are too stupid or just can’t be bothered voting, then why should they? If someone says “I don’t like Bush, and that Kerry guy looks like a butt sniffer, and I am not voting for that other guy, so fuck them all – none of them are getting my vote,” they should have that right in a democratic society.
SP: But that just shows that people are idiots and how shit a system democracy is. People should just be forced to do what we on the Left say is best for them.
T: I should rip a leg off your chair, anally rape you with it, and then beat you to death with it for that last comment, but I want to humiliate you some more. Now I read in an interview you had with Empire magazine that you consider yourself a moral person.
SP: Yes I do.
T: Well why would a moral person stand up to protect Saddam and the Taliban – two regimes that have the worst human rights record in modern times and both of whom routinely killed and tortured innocent people for absolutely no reason other than the fact they could?
SP: Well…because….ummm…….you see….The Taliban…errr….
T: I’m still waiting, you dumbass.
SP: Ummm…..well….. Bush is Hitler!
T: That still doesn’t explain why a so called “moral person” actively seeks to protect the most immoral regimes in the modern world, does it?
SP: Well…I guess not. No.
T: So the only answer is that you are an American hating traitor, like everyone else on the Left. Both to America and Western Civilization.
SP: Hang on. I might be, but not everyone else is. Just because they hate America and actively seek to destroy it and give aid and comfort to its enemies…..Hmmm. I guess everyone on the Left is a traitor to America and Western Civilization.
T: I am glad we got that sorted out. Now let’s talk about your acting.
SP: Ok.
T: Why are you so overrated?
SP: I’m not!
T: Yes you are. Look at ‘I Am Sam’.
SP: What about it?
T: Well, not only were you shown up by a little girl, but all you did was pretend to play a retard, and well, you are a retard so it was not really a stretch was it? Come to think of it, it wasn’t even acting. You were just being you.
SP: I’m not a retard
T: Yes you are. The only bit of “acting” you did was talk a bit more retarded than you usually do.
SP: I spent time around mentally handicapped people in preparing for the role……..
T: Yeah – the Democrats. Anyway, as further evidence of what a pompous asshole you are, on the set of Fast Times at Ridgemont High, you demanded that everyone call you by your character’s name.
SP: Well I like to totally inhabit my character role and with everything I do and say, I bring it back to “what would my character do?” It makes me a better actor.
T: No. It makes you a pompous asshole who thinks he is something special compared to everyone else around him and then demands everyone take him as seriously as he takes himself.
SP: I’m not like that!
T: Yes you are. And then, on the set of The Thin Red Line, you demanded that the studio provide you with a private jet to fly around in. How much more of a pompous asshole can you get?
SP: Well we were filming in the middle of the jungle so I……..
T: It was filmed in Queensland in north east Australia you dipshit.
SP: Well I still think I deserved a private jet that I didn’t have to pay for.
T: And that goes to show just what a pompous asshole you are.
SP: I don’t think I like you very much
T: I certainly hope you don’t. Now get outta here before I decide to follow my instincts and break a leg off that chair.
Look for more interviews in the future
© by Tiberius Alatheus 2005