I don’t really want to hurt you…

“I didn’t want to hurt your feelings” (and so I decided to tell you, Merewenne, a white lie in hope you will let the matter rest and not question me any further or I will capitulate and tell you the truth and land in bigger shit than I was in the first place)..!

There is a deep seated rage that is boiling inside me right now. It permeates through to my fingertips so that I would merely point at you and you will disintegrate under the force of this anger. I have been pacing through the corridors of the Asylum at a rapid pace, that the folds of my kirtle have been billowing around me like a thousand cranes in mid-flight. The gargoyles tremble into the masonry when they hear me approach. I bring thunder and lightning with me … I have never known you to think about my feelings when you set out to do anything, and this time should not be an exception. If anything it enunciates your sheer plebeian nature and should tell you that you are no match in a battle of wills with me.

It may seem that while Merewenne has a big heart when it comes to give someone the benefit of the doubt, it is futile to go against her natural gift of intuition. I would hazard to say that about 10 times out of 10, you will be wrong. Oh, she will give you due consideration, of course – like she gives you enough rope to hang yourself with. Let me give you an example:

1. Be direct

Question: “So how’s your new girlfriend?”

Incorrect: “What do you mean? I have no girlfriend. What makes you say I have a girlfriend? Why do you ask?”

Well, let’s see. You can’t go without sex or a woman for too long. I know you better than you know yourself as you are blind to your own faults - know this ... I am not !! And you are quite transparent in your actions, so it is fair to say you will not make a good assassin or secret mercenary in my domain. And the fact that you actually (eventually) admit to having one will do nothing more but enrage me that you dare to lie to me and expect to get away without a scratch on your pitiful body. It does not matter whether she has a face or not. Merewenne is the highest in the kingdom and you cannot aspire any higher unless you set your sights on Tiberius himself.

2. Don’t prolong your own torture

Statement: “Let’s be friends”

Never throw that line at me. Most of the time, I would go as far to say that I want to get on with my life without reminder that you are really less of a man than you first made yourself out to be. And don’t try to be all understanding and soft or say that your current girlfriend has plenty of exes when you were the one who chucked a major shit when I was in contact with mine. Being hypocritical will not elevate you in my eyes. I would give you a year before the green eyed monster consumes your decaying intestines and your true colours start surfacing. We’ll see where you stand on the matter once you let your gut hang out. The “friends” statement only allows you to feel less guilt than you already do. It serves me well to let you drown in your own guilt, I’m not throwing you a lifeline. I’d much rather nail jelly to a tree…

3. Don’t lie

I don’t think I need to elaborate this very obvious point. When my intuition is exercised, you would be a fool to think you can outrun it. I am usually on the ball about these things and if you are enough of a tool to think that you can escape it by dressing up your story, I will wear you down. I am the master of interrogation and WILL wear you down!!! There is no man on earth who can withstand my cross-examination. The only pity is that I was not born holding a law degree in one hand and a scythe in the other. I will proceed to cut you down at every turn and corner you lie to me, leaving your wounds raw and exposed to the full sunlight. Saying sorry at this point will not do anything but perpetuate what a snivelling coward you are who will use those five letters in vain for hope of an absolution that will never come. Saying sorry will mean I throw salt on your open lesions. I am the Justice System, I am Retribution in the Asylum. The blade of my scythe will be swift and true.

Or if you’d rather, I can hand you over to Tiberius where I believe that no mercy will be shown. However, I would go as far to say you will live 100 times longer and suffer 1,000 times more.

Your choice. Pick wisely.

4. Be a man

You can’t. I’m stronger. That’s a fact!!! However, if you wish to tempt fate, choose your weapon and I will meet you in open combat.

5. Always follow through with your words

Being full of hot air will serve you no purpose than to be a stand in for the good year blimp. Where there is air, there is deflation, and I will deflate you faster than you can even try to spell the word “deflate”. Men without honour are not worthy of my attention. Men who do not follow through with promises or convictions are nothing but pathological liars.

Don’t even attempt to turn the tables on Merewenne and put words in her mouth because along with intuition, she has a very sharp memory, and attempts to twist the truth will result in a year in her coldest dungeon. Merewenne can’t stand hypocrites, especially ones who attempts to shift their centre of gravity to their chests and try to spin a web of clichéd lies.

Don’t even pretend to extend the olive branch. I will do this where I see fit. Tiberius knows that this is my domain and will not interfere on your behalf.

Moral:

I have enough rage in my clenched fist to fell an army. Do not even tempt fate by waving a red flag in front of me at the moment. In fact the best thing you can do is not stand in my way when I lead the charge to annihilate your snivelling hide. With affairs of the heart, I take no prisoners …

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