Greasing Merewenne

Greasing Merewenne

I cannot even begin to tell you how excited I was at receiving my first extortion request! Granted, the email was titled “Gratititude” – probably explains the “tit” that wrote it, who decided to put their stamp in the subject matter. Unfortunately for them, the extortion attempt was going against me, which is something I did not view with great amusement.

The starting sentence was great -

I salute you in the name of the most High!

And pretty much everything after that went downhill.

For a start, to clarify for those who are quite thick out there. I, Merewenne, am a GIRL. To address me as “Dear Sir or Madam” does not bode well. In fact, calling me Madam will probably get you a death stare.

We do not know each other and I'm wondering how you will view this letter. Please, accept my sincere apology. Sorry, about taking your time as well. I will be highly obliged if you can assist me in this business. My Husband is an Egyptian while I am a Ghanian.

Should this be a bona fide email, then I apologise for the next few paragraphs. However, forgive me if I find it hard to swallow your story… but let me summarise for our readers out there …

Your husband just died and you are not entitled to his assets or income. This means you were either not married, or he had nothing. Now your culture dictates you move in to your brother in law’s household and become his wife… wonderful, I can see the drama unfolding immediately… So if you were to become his wife, he would assume the financial responsibility and you should have no cause for asking me to give you money.

I was a full-time house wife.

Simple solution: get a job! Or migrate somewhere the government can give you free education and free welfare!

Prior to your late husband’s death, he planned to establish a business in Europe for a mere USD $8.5m. Now normal people would not even have that kind of money. So who he had to fleece to get those funds is a matter of great interest to me. Read on …

“Fortunately, the proposed investment fund (US$8.5M ) which was deposited with the investment/security company was unknown to the family. As such, they did not ask for this. If not, it would have been a problem as there would have been nothing to fall back on. It's only our lawyer & my humble self that know of this fund. I have discussed this matter with the Finance company were the fund was lodged. This is the asset I have left and I need part of this money for my daughters school fees and to maintain my personal life as well. David's family was vehemently against my daughters education.”

What makes it quite interesting to note is that you appear to already have USD $8.5m in your control already, so why the hell are you asking me for money?

For confidentiality reasons I will do you the honour of not disclosing your details, however if there are any readers who wish to donate to such a wonderful cause, please email me at merewenne_berebrewer@theasylum.iinet.net.au and I will be more than happy to forward you the rest of the above email…

All that is required of you, is to forward to me by email, your direct phone, fax, address or any other information you may deem helpful. I need the requested information for the purpose of securing the relevant documents in your name as my confidante/bonafide beneficiary. Please, note that this transaction is legitimate and 100% hitch-free. We will not violate any known law of my country and that of yours. So, be rest-assured.

However, as soon as I receive your positive response to the above business transaction, I shall provide you with necessary transfer details. Note also, that you must convince me of your trust-worthiness and ability to keep secret secret. I have decided to compensate you with 30% of the total money as a reward for your sincere assistance and the remaining 70% will be used to pursue my late husband's investment dream in real estate. In the event that you are less than 18yrs of age and you receive this message in error, please, disregard and destroy the copy without circulation. Thanking you for your anticipated response as I look forward to hearing from.

Well, for starters, the only thing I am keeping secret is your email and your name, so that is plenty. If you were to compensate me 30%, I might as well not give you the 30% to start off with and if you were so destitute with your $8.5m and all, then you should not be afraid of what I have to say.

For easy reading, I have bolded the official response from the inhabitants of the Asylum:

Dear Sir/Madam, but clearly you are a Madam,

Please be assured that I have most of my funds tied up in what is known as an income tax account with the Australian Tax Office. I am sure that they will be more than happy to release my funds to your safe hands once they hear of your sad and sorry plight.

I have forwarded the copy of your email to the Australian Tax Office and the Australian Federal Police to carry out the necessary checks, and I am sure they will be following up your request for donations shortly.

To expedite the process, what I do require from you, dear Madam, is that you furnish me with a copy of your birth certificate, your passport and your tax file number. Should you not have a tax file number, I recommend you apply for one straight away so the funds can be transferred without haste.

Once confirmation the above has been done, then we’ll talk.

In the meantime, should I find out that you have trifled with my precious time, rest assured I WILL find you and it is you who shall be paying dearly.

Your superior,

Merewenne de Berebrewer

By the way, by suggesting that I am a beneficiary would suggest that it is I who should be in receipt of your funds, not the other way around. Just so you know next time you try to extort money from me!!

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