Golfing with Morons
What a glorious day to be on the course, last Friday way. The sun was shining in such a way that you would be forgiven for not remember that we are in the middle of winter. And how wonderful to not have to go into work and deal with all the usual dipshits there.
However, as tends to be the case no matter where you go, you have to deal with other types of dipshits. Don't get me wrong: while I subscribe to Mark Twain's "Golf is a good walk spoiled" philosophy, I also firmly believe that "the worst day of golf always beats the best day of work".
Now I am not a professional golfer. I don't know all the technical rules and a typical round for me will consist of a lot of walking (motorised buggies are for oldies, cripples, and fags), some bushwhacking, a few divots in the fairways, and shocking amounts of harsh language on the putting greens.
While my percentage of "good shots" has increased over the past couple of years, I can still go from being on the green in three on a par 5 on one hole, to crisscrossing the fairway going from the scrub on one side of it to the scrub on the other side of it, the very next hole.
This is not a comment on the skill level of these dipshits. It is their complete and utter lack of anything resembling courtesy or common sense that makes them morons.
The Mobile Phone Moron: You knew there had to be one of these. Taking a call while you are waiting for the group in front to get out range? No biggie. Taking a quick call while walking to your ball and/or waiting for the others in your group to hit theirs? That's ok. Standing around with your fist up your arse and a phone in your ear while IT'S YOUR FUCKING TURN TO HIT, holding everyone else up in the process? You are a moron who needs a driver embedded in your skull.
The Wannabe/Has-been "Pro" Moron: This is the moron who takes three or four practice swings away from the ball, then one stopping right behind the ball, then shuffles to adjust his stance, then a couple more swings behind the ball, before finally just hitting the thing. If you watch golf on tv you can probably pick which pro's preparation style he is trying to copy. Listen dickhead, you are not Tiger, Jack, John, Adam, Greg or whoever else the fuck you think you are/could have been, and there is no million dollar prize at the end of the round. Just get in position and hit the fucking thing.
The "I'm a dickhead with nothing better to do" Moron: This is the moron who takes no less than 10 to 15 practice swings and will spend more than 20 seconds at a time just staring at the ball BEFORE EVERY FUCKING SHOT - off the tee, on the fairway, and at the green. Best thing you can do is hit your shot when he is still in range, then tell him to hurry up or get the fuck out of the way and let you play through.
The "Father of the Year" Moron: This is the dickhead who brings his stupid little kid along who cant hit the ball more than 50 meters. Yes we have all have shit shots where we clip the top of the ball and send it rolling all of 10 -15 meters. We rush up to it for our next shot and make sure to pound the fucking thing as hard as we can. Not this dickhead. He just let's his little shit take the 9 or 10 shots to get out of range of the next group and everyone else is expected to wait.
The "Rules don't apply to me" Moron: This one is almost always a women. None of the course rules seem to apply to these morons - especially when it comes to slow play, waving the next group through when looking for lost balls, or maximum group size. The course I played at limits group size to 4 people. If you have more, you split up and follow one another, usually always meeting at the next tee for a bit. Oh but not these stupid bitches. There were seven of them and they were going to move as a group of 7. And they were not in front of us. They were in front of the guys in front of us. And yet how did we catch up to see they were in a group of 7? Because each of those stupid bitches had to wait for the other 6 to play their balls before moving on.
There are more but these will do for now......
© by Tiberius Alatheus 2006