A Fistful of Doughnuts
“Michael! Michael! Michael! Michael!” the crowd chanted.
“And the winner of the 2012 Palm D'hor is….Michael Moore for Fahrenheit 911!”
“Wow. An absolutely amazing victory as Fahrenheit 911 wins the Palm D’hor award for the 8th year in a row” said some leftist media lackey.
“This year is even more amazing given that unlike the previous seven years, it was not even nominated for the award,” said another.
“And now let’s listen in as he gives his acceptance speech,” said the first.
A taut and trim looking Michael Moore walks up on stage in a suit with no sleeves, flexing his biceps as he does.
“Well what can I say that I haven’t said in the last seven years? Nothing. So I will just say it again. Bush was a fictitious president who fought a fictitious war. He was responsible for 9/11 and for losing the war on terrorism even though it was Kerry and me who helped get our troops withdrawn.
I see our Muslim slave masters off stage are starting to ready their weapons so let me just hurry and say it was Bush’s fault I was fat and it is only by his imprisonment for daring to believe individuals know better than us elite leftists that I was able to lose all that weight and look as good as I do now! “BEEFCAKE!!!”
The crowd went wild.
“Oh and Allah Akbar” he hastily added as their Muslim slave masters started walking on stage.
“Yes. I am a hero, Moore cheered to himself. “I am the best film maker in history. I am thin… I am a hunk… I am….”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
“I am… I am……”
Moore wipes some drool away as he groggily opens his eyes…
“Aww! I’m still a fat slob. And I suppose Bush is not in jail either. Oh well. I am still rich and the best film maker in history. What a wonderful dream that was.”
He gets out bed and puts is foot in half eaten turkey he fell asleep eating the night before.
“Goddamn lazy…..” he mumbles as he calls room service.
As a busboy walks into his room, Moore starts screaming.
“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU WORTHLESS PEASANT! I TOLD YOU BEFORE I WANT ALL MY FOOD CLEARED BEFORE I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING! ARE YOU STUPID OR JUST DELIBERATELY IGNORING ME BECAUSE I AM SUPERIOR IN EVERYWAY TO YOU? DON’T YOU APPRECIATE WHAT I AM TRYING TO DO? DON’T YOU APPRECIATE MY EFFORTS TO MAKE SURE YOU ARE ONLY EXPLOITED BY ELITE LEFTISTS LIKE ME AND NOT GEORGE BUSH?”
“But Monsieur . You ‘ad ze do not dizturb szign on ze door. I am forbidden from entering ze room when……”
“DON’T YOU DARE ANSWER ME BACK YOU BLUE COLLAR SLACKER. I AM JUST LIKE ONE OF YOU AND I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE ALLOWED TO DO. NOW GET OUT OF HERE AND BRING ME MY BREAKFAST”
“Ze carts are already on ze way up.”
“Good. Now get out of here and forget about a tip”
“But you never tip….”
“DON’T YOU TALK BACK TO ME YOU WORTHLESS FRENCHIE! I AM MICHAEL MOORE!”
Moore picks up the phone. “I want to double my order for breakfast. What do you mean there aren’t enough carts. Are you stupid? Drop the first load off then take the cars back down to the kitchen and bring up the second. Oh and bring up some lubricant. Your doorways are getting too tight.”
“Hmmmm. After breakfast head to the airport. Hopefully this time they will reinforce the terminal. Then it is back to America to work out what other work I can steal off people and claim as my own”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Months have passed since Cannes. The elections are close by and Moore is still no closer to finding his next Hate Bush bullshit propaganda project.
”This is taking too long,” Moore muttered to himself as he looked out over the New York City Skyline from his multimillion dollar office on the 70th floor of some high rise building. He turned to his staff.
“You must find me an idea to steal for my next movie!” Moore screamed. “What do you think I am paying you below minimum wage for?”
“I can help you in this endeavour” said a voice from the shadows.
“Who are you? How did you get in here?” Moore asked turning around
“I am a man with no name” replied the mysterious stranger stepping out of the shadows.
“Oh like in that movie with that fascist Clint Eastwood? Always going around killing criminals instead of giving them what they want and surrendering to them.”
“Do you want my help or not?” asked the mysterious stranger impatiently. “Because there are many others who would like my anti-Bush idea…”
“Ah…sure. I am interested. Tell me what must I do?”
“You will redub the dialogue of Triumph of the Will with anti bush crap, err “truths” and superimpose an actor dressed in bush mask into the film in place of Adolf Hitler”
“Hey yeah! We can add him in like they did in Forest Gump.” Moore said. “Brilliant. And because it is in black and white it will be harder for people to know the truth. And I will call it “Triumph of the Bushitler! I’ll do it! Thanks – whoever you are?”
“Yes. No problem,” said the mysterious stranger smiling wryly.
“What are you smiling about?” Moore asked.
“Huh. Oh nothing. Just thinking of something funny I read on the Internet this morning”
“I don’t like the internet,” Moore said. “There are too many evil Bush Zionist Conspirators from Halliburton there who pick apart my lies and expose them for the bullshit they are.”
“Uh huh. Sure. I’ll be back later for payment,” and with that, the mysterious stranger was gone.
“This is excellent,” Moore said. “And though the film will be in black and white, I will just say I made it that way like Spielberg did to get credibility for Traitor’s List.”
“Isn’t that Schindler’s list?” asked one of his serfs.
“Same thing. What nationality was Schindler?”
“German”
“And did he not have a list which spared evil Jews from the gas chambers?”
“Yes but…”
“Well there you go. He prevented a democratically elected government from carrying out the desires of their elitist Leftist rulers.”
“But didn’t you say dissent is patriotic?”
“But only when it is against Bush or America. God haven’t you learned anything?”
”I am sorry sir. I bow to your Leftist, elitist superiority.”
“Okay.” Moore said. “Now get to work”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The crowd is gathered in a big warehouse in front of a stage with a big portrait of Adolf Hitler and huge banners with Swastikas decorating the walls.
Out walks the leader onto the stage. “I call this meeting to order” said The Chancellor.
“Heil Hitler!” shouted the crowd.
“Together we shall keep the Fuhrer’s vision alive,” replied The Chancellor. “Now let’s go over last meeting’s minutes”
A skinhead in the front row stands up and reads “Last meeting we decided that we still hate Jews the most. Furthermore it was decided that even though we hate Muslims too, as long as they hate and try to kill Jews we will not take any direct action against them. Action against Muslims will be discussed at a later time when either all the Jews are dead or Muslims stop hating and trying to kill Jews.
It was also decided that we must protect Hitler’s good name from anyone who would besmirch it. Especially those comparing George Bush to him. George Bush is completely unworthy to be compared to Hitler because he has not killed millions of Jews and is in fact supporting them. Furthermore, he is a pussy who has only passed one piece of legislation to stamp out dissent and he has not even got a secret police force to back it up. He also has not ordered the execution of prisoners of war”
“Was there anything else from the last meeting?” asked The Chancellor.
“Yes. Despite having descended to a level of anti-Semitism that we can only hope to achieve, we have decided we will not become affiliated with the Democratic Party while they still have the token Jew Lieberman as lip service to their “We’re not anti-Semitic – see we have a Jew” line in it. We stand for no Jews anywhere and besides – it’s not like they are fooling anybody anyway.”
The Chancellor stands up. “Thank you. Now the first issue for this meeting is what to do about our falling stats in how many leaflets are being handed out. We need to educate as many people as possible about how evil the Jews are and that is not going to happen with fewer leaflets being passed out. Why, compared with this time last year, we………..”
“You have a bigger problem than leaflets and messages” said a voice from the back of the room.
“Who are you to interrupt our meeting?” demanded the Chancellor.
“I am a man with no name,” replied the mysterious stranger walking towards the stage.
“Oh. Kind of like the Zionist Clint Eastwood in that movie. Notice how he never kills any Jews?”
“Do you want to know this problem or not?”
“Yes of course. If it has something to do with Hitler.”
“It has everything to do with Hitler. Michael Moore is going to use Triumph of the Will as his next film for anti-Bush propaganda.”
“So? We hate Bush too. Why would that concern us? Unless he is comparing Bush to Hitler….”
“Comparing? He is going to have an actor in a George Bush mask digitally replace Hitler in the film. He is not going to be comparing Bush to Hitler. He is going to be turning Bush into Hitler. And he is going to redub all of Hitler’s fine dialogue with anti-Bush dialogue.”
Boos erupted from the crowd.
“We will not let this happen!” shouted the Chancellor. “All of you skinheads form ranks and grab a weapon on your way out!”
”Wait!!” the mysterious stranger shouted. “You cannot move now. If he gets wind
of this he will just move production to another location. You must wait until he
is nearly finished. You will also need to better prepare yourselves. Michael
Moore is not so easy a target to kill as you might think. While slow moving, his
massive bulk provides much more protection than you might expect.”
“So what can we do?” asked the Chancellor
“Nothing for now. Just be aware and start training for the battle to come. I will return when the time is right and you must be prepared to act otherwise the world will be a place where people don’t hate the Jews and think Bush is just like Hitler”
And with that, he was gone.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
“This is so easy,” Moore remarked as he sat in an editing room. “It is amazing how quick a movie is to film when it’s already filmed for you. Then I just have to record the new dialogue, release it, and make millions of dollars more.”
“It is not quite that simple,” said the man with no name upon entering the room. “We have two new problems to deal with. The first is an impending attack by Neo Nazis who are most displeased that you have decided to steal Triumph of the Will for your own agenda.”
“But it was your idea,” Moore protested.
“Did I point a gun at you and make you do it? No. So don’t put that crap on me. Anyway, the second problem is that Bush has just passed a new law that states any money you make from a film is to be taxed at 100%. Something about taxing the rich…”
“But I’m not rich, Moore interrupted. “Apart from my private plane and millions of dollars and multi million dollar apartments and sending my daughter to the most exclusive school money can buy and hired slaves to wait on my every need I am just like the little guy out there. And anyway, if he did pass that law, why didn’t I hear about it before now?”
“Because it is a secret law passed in secret under a secret clause you said was in the Patriot Act that would allow Bush to pass secret laws in secret about whatever secret matter he secretly wanted to under this secret clause.”
“That’s not true”
“So are you saying what you said about the Patriot act is untrue?”
“I don’t know. I am sure I’ve said a lot of things about the Patriot Act that were untrue. It’s not like I actually bothered to read it”
“But can you take that chance and put those millions of dollars at risk?”
“No. Not if I want to make millions of dollars. So what can I do?
“The simplest way to overcome this new, secret law is to enter a barter arrangement. You must find a company so far to the left to be completely devoid of morals like yourself. The company must also be large enough to be able to provide added security, ideally with its customers also being fans of your work who will help overcome the impending threat of the Neo-Nazi attack.”
“Hmm. Big, extreme left wing, devoid of morals, with slobbering ignoramuses for staff and customers…. you mean like Buckstars Coffee?”
“They will do. You must give them the film and get them to release it. The secret law only taxes you for making money from your films – not anybody else. They get to keep all profits from releasing the film but in return they must grant you some good that can be given proportionally to the amount of money the film makes.”
“Like doughnuts!”
“That is good”
“Yeah. And because my film will make millions of dollars, I will get millions of doughnuts.”
“You will have fistfuls of doughnuts. And Bush will not be able to touch them”
“Ha ha ha. I have outsmarted you again, Bush. I will even say that they are Bush’s Neo Nazis come to silence my dissent!”
“Probably not a good idea that. They are already angry at you for stealing Triumph of the Will. You really don’t want to make them angrier by saying they are working for Bush instead of Hitler.”
“Oh yeah. You are probably right. What can I do to thank you?”
“I will let you know when it is time”
And with that the mysterious stranger with no name walked out the door.
“You there, slave girl. Get Buckstars Coffee on the phone….”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
“How goes the preparations?” the man with no name asked The Chancellor as he watched five skinheads all beating upon another one in a Sumo suit with various blunt objects.”
“Not so good. We figured a sumo suit filled with a shock absorbing gel was the closest thing we could get that would simulate Moore. But we are finding that all that flab serves as a very good shock insulator. Wooden boards have no impact. Baseball bats do minimal damage with iron pipes serving only marginally better. We get decent results from a crowbar, but a chain is pretty much useless against such bulk.
“Well I have some more bad news”
“Great. What is it now?”
“Moore has announced a deal with Buckstars Coffee to distribute the film. It will be shown at their corporate headquarters which means to interrupt the screening you will have to strike while they are doing their thing on the red carpet.”
“Yeah! And kill of a whole heap of Jew-loving Michael Moore supporters and Buckstars customers!”
“Very well. I will return to you with final details” said the mysterious stranger walking out the door.
“Alright you Nazi scum. Get back to it. Next on the list is golf clubs. Everyone take a different club and line up.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
“How go the preparations for the premiere?” the mysterious stranger asked.
“How do you keep sneaking in here without me noticing?” asked Moore.
His response was an icy stare.
“Uh…..anyway,” Moore stammered “the preparations are complete. The world premiere screening will go ahead at Buckstars Corporate HQ tonight. Many of their staff and customers, all of whom are my supporters as well, will be on security details posing as fans along the red carpet. There will also be a unit of the elite Buckstarsian Guard troops as the visible security detail – the Latte-yadeen.”
“Good. You must be prepared for an attack. It will most likely come as you are about to enter the building and you will need to rout them before you can begin the screening.”
“Not to worry. My brave supporters will fight these Neo Nazis to the end for me and with the Latte-yadeen on my side we will sweep those skinheads aside like the evil fascist Bush is.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
“Ok. Is everyone ready?” asked the Chancellor.
“Yes, Sir,” replied a skinhead. “We await final instructions from the mysterious stranger.
“And here they are,” said the man with no name emerging once again from the shadows. “Michael Moore will have about 10,000 supporters there, all ready to act at the first sign of trouble.”
“Ten thousand!?” one skinhead exclaimed. “But we are only 500 in number. How are we to….”
“You have nothing to fear,” the mysterious stranger interjected. “About 9,500 of those 10,000 are complete cowards who will run should you shout the phrase ‘Free Speech!” at them. So fast they will run, it will be unlikely that you could even land a blow on them.”
“And what of the remaining 500?” asked another skinhead.
The mysterious stranger answered, “That will be a different matter. The remainders will be Buckstar’s elite troops – the Latte-yadeen. It will be a tough fight but just remember whose side they are fighting on and you will prevail.
“Heil Hitler!” chanted the crowd of skinheads.
“I will take my leave. It is up to you Chancellor.”
And with that the man with no name was gone.
“Okay, guys. Let’s get ready to move,” ordered the Chancellor. “It is victory or defeat!”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The glitz. The glamour. The smell of literally unwashed bodies.
“Here we are outside Buckstar Coffee’s corporate headquarters for the premiere of Michael Moore’s new masterpiece, Triumph of the Bushitler. Tonight will be the first time it is screened anywhere in the world and already we in the media are hailing Triumph of the Bushitler as the greatest and most accurate film ever made in the history of the universe,” said some random leftist media lackey.
“That’s right. And the fact we have not even seen it yet and still know it is the greatest and most accurate film ever made in the history of the universe is a testament to how great and accurate this film really is. And here comes the supreme genius behind the biggest achievement in the history of cinema and fact finding anywhere in the universe,” said another random leftist media lackey.
Michael Moore is looking a bit nervous as he makes his way down the red carpet outside the corporate headquarters of Buckstars Coffee. Each flash of a camera made him that little bit more nervous.
Suddenly there is a commotion up the end of the red carpet as Neo Nazis come running around the corner. The crowd turns to engage them when all the Neo Nazis take a deep breath and shout “Free Speech.”
The entire crowd screeches in horror and recoils in terror.
“No no. Only we are allowed free speech. Only us leftists can have free speech!” some of them cry.
“FREE SPEECH!” the Neo Nazis yell again.
That is enough. Moore’s supporters can take no more and flee as Japanese businessmen flee from giant lizard-like monsters. They are in full flight as the Latte-yadeen fight against the tide to engage the Neo Nazis.
Moore turns as his crowd runs past him.
“Get back here you cowards!!”
“Too late Mr Moore,” says the Chancellor, tapping the head of a 5-Iron in the palm of his hand. “Now it is your turn.”
“But…but…but…w….w….w…why?” Moore stammered
“You are trying to degrade Hitler by comparing Bush to him. Bush is not Hitler and it is a disgrace to compare Bush to him.”
“No I am not. I am trying to make people hate Bush.”
“But you are stealing someone else’s work. Someone did that work for Hitler.”
“Yes but the only reason I am stealing it is because it is best and I am simply not good enough to create something original. When you think of it, it is really kind of an homage to it”
“If you want to do an homage to Hitler you go out and kill Jews. You don’t turn him into George Bush!”
“I know you are right but most of the people out there are moronic plebeians who don’t know what is good for them. To get my lies across I have to do and say certain things. I am very sorry for using Hitler but some man with no name told me to do it and I so wanted people to hate Bush I didn’t think about anything else.”
“Wait. What was that about a man with no name?”
“He came to me and told me to use Triumph of the Will and replace Hitler with an actor wearing a George Bush mask.”
“He came to us and told us that you had decided to use Triumph of the Will and replace Hitler with an actor wearing a George Bush mask.”
“But why would he say that? Why would he play us off against one another unless..…IT’S A TRAP!”
Suddenly explosions rip through the area killing all the Neo Nazis and Latte-yadeen except for Moore and the Chancellor. They turn to see the Buckstars Coffee building crashing to the ground.
“My movie! My millions of doughnuts!” cried Moore.
A shot rings out and the Chancellor falls to the ground dead. Moore turns to see the mysterious stranger standing there.
“Why are you doing this? Don’t you realise bush is Hitler?”
“Ha. Bush is a puppet,” the mysterious stranger says. “He is merely a…..
“I knew it! The Jews do control everything…”
Moore is silenced by a hard slap across his face.
“He is merely an unwitting tool we use to perform our duty,” the mysterious stranger continued. “A public face for a hidden organisation.”
“Who are you?”
“I am an elite agent of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy. We have controlled everything throughout history. Empires have risen and fallen at our whim. What you do does not matter. It is we who allow you to live as you do. We created the many Legionnaires of Extremely Fucking Thick Incredibly Stupid Terrorist Sympathisers or LEFTISTS for short, as a ‘credible’ opponent for us.
The plan was for them to yell and scream about things about which they had no knowledge and thus draw attention away from us behind the scenes and what was really happening.
However, we did not realise that their enhanced stupidity was degenerative and contagious. Not only did it spread but it got more stupid. We felt certain that after the Leftists had allowed the Muslim scourge to sweep through the lands of the Eastern Empire that the good citizens would turn on them and retake their lands. And in time they did but it was less than thorough. Then with Nazism and Communism and the atrocities committed everyday by Muslims everywhere and the rise of EcoNazis we were sure that the ordinary people would rise up and crush the Leftists for us but they didn’t. And after the Clinton bitch stumbled upon us we realised we could not let this go unabated any longer.
So we now take action. Here we have wiped out many of your Leftists and many of your Neo Nazi allies and your film making has been exposed for the plagiaristic fraud it is. Now you will no longer suck innocent people in. The only ones who will believe your lies now will be your supporters – and they are to be exterminated anyway.”
“I’ll tell the world about you!”
“Nobody but you and your leftists will believe that, so it will be no different to now.”
“Well I am still going to………..WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THAT!”
Moore quickly tucks into a ball and started to roll down the street. The mysterious stranger, elite agent of the VRWC takes aim and fires. He continues firing as Moore rolls down the street and around the corner. The bullets had no effect.
“Damn it!” he curses. “You may have escaped this time Moore, but next time I will have a bigger gun and some flab piercing bullets.”
His mobile phone rings to the tune of Imperial March. “Speak.”
“You have done well. Report back to the VRWC HQ for debriefing and your new vaccination. We have developed a vaccine that will make you immune to every disease known to man.”
“And so shall it be,” the man with no name mutters as he disappears back into the shadows.
The End.
But the Man with No Name will be back in “For A Few (Dozen) Doughnuts More”
Feedback is most welcome. I have this horrible affliction where I think of something that sounds really, really funny - until I type it down which is when it becomes infinitely less funny.
© by Tiberius Alatheus 2004