The FDTDS Plague
This is a disease that seems to be affecting more and more movies these days. Maybe that is not correct – there have been many movies in the past that suffer from this syndrome – it is just there seem to be more severe cases of it, including three fatal ones.
A movie will be tracking along well or poorly on the enjoyment scale with its little ups and downs. Let’s take a look at the enjoyment scale for some films that don’t suffer from FDTD syndrome.
So what is FDTD Syndrome or FDTDS for short?
Well you may assume a case of FDTDS when a film is tracking along nicely (or even poorly) when one of the film makers has some stupid idea or tries some stupid twist or dies and the film suddenly becomes an entity of monumental stupidity that it becomes a biohazard as anyone watcing it may become dumber for it.
Allow me to illustrate. Here is a graph of the "enjoyability" of the film Gladiator.
As the film progresses you can see the enjoyment level peaking around the fight scenes all the way up to the ending. Most films will look like this, just with different enjoyment levels but the overall trends will look the same.
However, just because a film may suffer a large and sharp downward trend is not a case of FDTDS. Let's look at Ghosts of Mars:
It starts off ok. A deserted colony with no explanation as to why except for a few bodies and signs of a fierce fight. You didn’t know what or where the bad guy was and some good suspense was building. But then you can pick the point in the film where John Carpenter got bored, turned to the coffee boy saying "Here. You finish up for me." and went home.
A good film that also suffers a sharp downward trend (albeit right at the end of the film) is Monty Python and the Holy Grail. A piss funny film with one of the most stupid endings ever devised yet it does not kill the film (and really has no effect on it since the rest is so damn good).
However let's look at From Dusk Til Dawn which is of course what this syndrome is named after as it is the most blatantly obvious case of it.
The film starts off really well. Everything – story, characterisation, tension – is going along and developing very nicely. Pick the point in the film where Tarantino had the brain storm of "I know. Let's flush the really good film we have going here down the toilet and throw in some pointless and stupid shit about vampires".
And flush down the toilet goes any enjoyment you were getting from the film at that point. The enjoyment scale reaches zero, and it dies with no chance of reviving.
Let's take a look at another film with FDTDS. Kill Bill Volume 1.
And from spikes due to a gritty introduction and a good, tough, realistic (as in getting up with cuts and scratches after having shelves pulled down on them, rather than getting up and dusting off and not having a mark on them as is usual in movies when someone gets a shelf pulled down on top of them) fight between Uma and Vivica to and another spike because of the fantastic animated sequence, everything is going rather well for Kill Bill Volume 1. But then again Tarantino gets the idea to flush everything has achieved thus far down the toilet by having Uma take on 10,000 orcs..errr….yakuza with a sword and kills them all before killing the head boss in less than 30 seconds.
That sort of shit works in Japanese animation. It does not work in live action. Make no mistake - FDTDS was terminal in Kill Bill Volume 1. The little increase at the end is where Kill Bill Vol 2 would have taken over were it left as one film.
All diseases tend to mutate and FDTDS is no exception. This latest strain of FTDT is most worrying in that it appears to be Necromantic in nature. When a film’s enjoyability reaches zero it is officially pronounced dead. But what happens when it actually goes below zero into negative territory?
Let’s examine the enjoyability readings for Taking Lives….
It is going along as an ok thriller. A couple of small spikes due to two good jumps and then a large spike due to an unexpected titty shot of Angelina Jolie… but then we get to the last 15 minutes.
So stupid, pathetic and illogical – such total shit is the last 15 minutes that not only do you not enjoy the film anymore, you actually start hating the film as it completely counters any enjoyment you might have had early on. Not even the unexpected titty shot of Jolie is able to leave you with any enjoyment.
The film dies and yet keeps on going causing more hate and pain in you – just like a zombie that gets up and walks around after death.
I don't know about you but I think anyone who has any part in making a film with a case of Necromantic FDTDS should be put to death immediately to ensure with 100% certainty that they are not able to release another one....
© by Tiberius Alatheus 2004