Bathroom Etiquette
What the fuck is wrong with you morons out there? Has Western Civilization fallen so far? The decrease standards in bathroom etiquette is why there is no more Roman Empire – do we really have to go the same way?
I have decided that no we don't t so I have decided to put up the definitive guide to bathroom etiquette. You will note these are all numbered 1 because they are all equally important. Read these and learn them, morons. They will save our civilization.
1. Space is key
If someone is using a stall/urinal and there are several empty ones you take the one FURTHEST from the one in use – NOT THE ONE RIGHT FUCKING NEXT TO IT. The only reason that someone takes a stall/urinal next to one in use when there are others available is because they are your typical left wing pervert who has never been laid by a woman and thus spent all their youth (and most of their adult life) jerking off in the toilets - so much so that now they can only get turned on by the sounds and sights of someone relieving themselves. Fucking sick perverts.
1. Privacy is key
The toilets is not a fucking meeting place. You don’t introduce each other in there. You never ask questions. The only thing that is acceptable is a quick greeting when you run into someone on your/their way in/out.
“Hey."
"Yo."
"G’day."
"Wassup.”
That sort of thing and nothing more. NEVER under any circumstances are you to use someone’s name in this greeting. And I would never thought I would have to say this but don’t ever walk into the toilets and call out to find out if someone is in there. Whatever you have to say can wait a few minutes, dipshits.
1. Speed is key
Get in. Do what you have to. Get out. That is how things are done. If you don’t get out as soon as possible it just proves that you are a fucking sick left wing pervert who can only get turned on by the sounds and sights of someone relieving themselves.
The worst offenders are those old and middle-aged guys going bald who look like (and probably are) child molesters. No joke, I walk in one day and here is this old fart in there combing his “hair” (and the term used loosely as he only had a little patch of carpet-like hair around the back of his head (nothing on top or the sides) – not even enough for a comb over. Hell – not even long enough to comb – I kid you not) So I go into the stall and have a massive dump. I come out about 10 minutes later and this fucking old child molesting cunt is still there combing that fucking pathetic patch of hair! I don’t like being the fantasy of a child molesting pervert like this so I grabbed his head and slammed his face through the mirror That learned him.
1. Silence is key
NEVER are you to carry on any sort of conversation anywhere in the toilets. You are not fucking women who hold support groups and interventions in toilets. You don’t want someone talking to you at home when in the toilet so don’t do it elsewhere. This is especially true at work. Work sucks and the only joy some people have is when they get to take their daily crap at work so let them enjoy it in peace and quiet and without having to listen to worthless details about your insignificant life such as what colour your new wallpaper is going to be or how many goals your retarded son scored on the weekend in the special league where they use full sized goals and no goal keepers.
1. Hygiene is key
Wash your hands. Even if you think your dick is clean and you don’t need to wash your hands (which goes to prove that it isn’t clean) you do need to. How would you like it I walked up to your desk with my hands around my dick and then started touching your keyboard and pens and calculator? What if I rubbed them against my dick? Would you still want to touch them? Of course not – just as I don’t want the door handle after you have been touching your dick without washing your hands. Even cockroaches are always cleaning and grooming themselves and as such they probably spread less disease than you do.
1. Discretion is key
If you are having trouble pissing or shitting – KEEP IT TO YOURSELF!
We don’t care if you have a stroke from straining so hard and nobody checks on you in the stall for three days. Not our problem.
I go in to use a stall once and one was already in use so I took the one furthest away from it. The whole time I am in there hoping to crap in peace all I get from the other stall is <GRUNT> <UGH!> <GROAN>
Not even the silent groan where you strain really hard and let out a slow exhale. No. This fuckhead decided that because he couldn’t take a shit everyone else who entered would have to suffer by listening to him try. Once I was done I was forced to punch the door to his stall really hard and yell “Shut up you fuckhead. Nobody out here gives a shit that you are so anal retentive that you can’t take a crap, so shut the fuck you piece of shit”
The only response was more groaning so I got a spare roll of toilet paper from an empty stall, lit it on fire and threw it over the door to this dickhead's stall, then ran out saying somebody was smoking in there. Ha ha ha – stupid shit got so busted.
Is that everything? Email me if you think I have missed anything.
© by Tiberius Alatheus 2004