Douchebag Words and Catchphrases for 2007
Hello. Are you a douchebag? If so, don't worry - you have lots of company. It has been scientifically proven that over 79% of Americans (and 98% of the world) are douchebags. As a doucher in good standing, it is important to be constantly searching for (and using) tired and meaningless catchphrases at all times. And although "thinking outside the box" and "promoting diversity" are outdated and stupid, feel free to continue using them. Retarded catchphrases and words-of-the-day are ways in which intelligent people can quickly spot a douchebag (as if the Lance Armstrong bracelet or shaved head weren't dead giveaways).
Here's the official list of Douchebag Words and Catchphrases for 2007 (as published in The Journal of Brainless Douchebaggery):
"Sustainable": This is the hip new leader in douchebag catchphrases. In years past, the word "solutions" was used ad nauseum for companies all around the world to pretend like they were on the cutting edge. A printing company did not simply do printing, but provided printing "solutions." A transportation company did not simply truck shit from point A to point B; they provided trucking "solutions." Now that every fucking company in the word has used this one to death, it has been replaced with "sustainable." This is to convince morons and eco terrorists that your company somehow has an infinite supply of products and in no way harms the environment.
"Zen": This word is to be used by pseudo-intellectuals and pretentious liberals who know absolutely nothing about Asian culture. Suggested uses are: "It's really Zen" or "I'm Zen with it." This replaces "win win."
"Throughput": Use this to describe the whole fucking enchilada. When you want someone to consider everything from the start to the finish, just use "throughput" and they will be really impressed (or nauseated).
"Proactive": This is to show the world that you're thinking ahead. It's a competitive world out there, and the "Global Marketplace" (another outstanding douche catchphrase) is just waiting to grind you down. You need to be proactive. Pay no attention to what you're supposed to be doing today, tomorrow, or next week. Your job as a douche is to plan 5 to 10 years ahead. Never mind that the world's economy will be totally different than it is today (and whatever happens between now and then will render any and all plans you make totally irrelevant). The important thing is that you use the word "proactive" at least twice an hour (and don't do anything about the work you have to do today, which is considered "reactive").
"Off the Hook": This is especially good for white kids who think they're black. It's even better for douchebags in their 20's who still wear baseball caps. Use "off the hook" to make everyone think you're cool and understand the black culture (even though you're probably a total racist). If you're black, don't use this phrase because whitey will think you're talking down to him because this really is just more retarded ghetto babytalk like "crib."
"Thinking Ahead": See "Proactive"
"Earth-Friendly": See "Sustainable"
"Multi-Cultural": Yes, the old tried-and-true meaningless king of clichés. Ahhh, where would America be without lawsuits, claims of racism, and massive amounts of Soviet style gulag re-education camps known as "Diversity Seminars?" Well, we'd be a hell of a lot more competitive for one.... But that's another story. It doesn't really matter that American companies are the least competitive in the world due to this leftist nonsense. What's important is that Americans use the proper catchphrases to make it LOOK like they're trying to be competitive, and one of the most important is "multi cultural." Use this phrase often to show that you're not racist. Be sure to say how important it is that your company is "diverse." Never mind the fact that it's actually counter-productive to form committees whose members are so diametrically opposed in their viewpoints that they get nothing done. Never mind the fact that it's a huge contradiction to say that "all people are the same" while at the same time clinging to the notion that getting a black woman or a Hispanic man on your team will provide "diversity of opinion." Just continue to do what you're told and behave like a fucking robot, while you claim to be a "free thinker."
"Organic": Almost the same as "sustainable," using the word "organic" will endear you to the mindless sheep who eat tofu, wear dreadlocks, shun deodorant, and chant to some Druid god.
"Fair Trade": This is a great term for justifying your greed. It is no secret that leftists are some of the most selfish, greedy people on the planet. That's why it's important for you to fool the sheep and justify your outrageous prices (which you would call "gouging" if it were someone else doing it). Just say you practice "fair trade" and say that you're paying the dirt-poor farmers you hire in Costa Rica or Honduras a "living wage" (which is the darling of leftist douchebag catchphrases).
"Responsible": See "Fair Trade" and "Sustainable"
"Goes to 11": This phrase has recently been co-opted by the douchebag community to show that you are not only "hip," but you have a sense of nostalgia for a movie you've never seen (don't worry, nobody will call you on it). Using the term "It goes to 11" (or its companion, "One louder") is a great way for a 20-year-old dickweed (who wears his collar up) to win favor with dickweeds in their 30's and 40's.
"Expecially": This is a must-use word for douchers everywhere. There's no better way for a college graduate to show the world how truly fucking useless a college degree is than by saying "expecially" when you really mean "especially." Just "axe" anyone....
Anything to do with China: Yes, China is the greatest country in the world (to douchebags). It's an economic powerhouse that will soon take over the planet (if you're stupid enough to believe it). Never mind that major inventions that were credited to China (such as gun powder) were invented in INDIA, and pay no attention to the fact that every major invention over the last 100 years has come from America, Europe, or Japan. Just keep throwing around "Chengu," "Xiamen," or "Guangdong" into conversations to make every other douchebag in America think you're on the "cutting edge."
Anyone who wants to "axe" a question, really needs an axe buried in their heads....
© by Michael Cooper 2007