De-Evolution is REAL
Are we not men?
We are DEVO!
Are we not men?
D-E-V-O!
So said the groundbreaking-yet-misunderstood rock group DEVO in 1977 with their debut single "Jocko Homo." And although the band's message about the human race De-Evolving (hence the name, DEVO) was all in good fun, most Americans can no longer avoid the stark reality that De-Evolution is in fact occurring.
Case in point: Just minutes ago, my local news station reported another drowning at a local lake. This makes about 12 such incidents since summer began. Being the compassionate and concerned citizen I am, I immediately launched into a game of "Russian or Mexican?" with my kids. Any time there's breaking news of a drunk driving accident, alcohol-related drowning, rape, attempted rape, attempted kidnapping, gang activity, domestic-dispute-turned-stabbing, or meth deal gone bad, my kids and I rush to see who can accurately guess the identity of the key players involved before the newscaster gives it out. In 99% of the cases, it's either an illegal alien from Guadalajara or a surly Russian asshole from Chernobyl. In today's drowning, the victim's name turned out to be Alejandro (which means I owe my daughter a Happy Meal).
But it doesn't stop there. Yesterday, my daughter and I decided to go to the lake. After a long and arduous drive, I was utterly disappointed when (after renting a rowboat for the afternoon) a group of douchebags who had also rented boats was hovering not far from the boat launch area. You would think that somebody who had shelled out money to rent a boat would actually be inclined to USE said boat to move about the lake. Not so. There were about five groups of these cretins in boats who were clustered in the immediate vicinity of the boat launch area, providing a fucking obstacle course of annoying proportions. Of course, these people were Rhodes Scholars compared to the 15 or so kids who were SWIMMING in the boat launch area (unsupervised, of course). One single mom went so far as to rent TWO boats (apparently one for herself and one for her kids). God only knows why she then decided to abandon her boat (leaving it floating on the water by itself) and swim around the boat her kids were in, barking orders at them. I suppose given today's low standards I should at least be thankful this cow was actually WATCHING her kids (which is more than I can say for most of the other families).
Oddly enough, the drive to the lake I was at seemed to be just too much for Hector and his family, as there were only white trashers and Russians taking part in the festivities. But what really knocked me on my ass (and this is absolutely true) were the two groups of Arab Muslims in their early 20's who were riding fucking PADDLE BOATS! For those of you who don't know, paddle boats (as we call them in my part of the country) are two-seater boats for kids (or a kid and a parent), often shaped like a ducky or a froggy, which are powered by foot pedalling (like a bicycle, only much dorkier than any bike I've ever ridden, including my sister's bike when I was five). I know you Arab Muslims are supposed to be "fitting in" to Western society in order to pull the wool over our eyes, but these four on paddle boats were either an example of Arab lameness being taken to a whole new level, or their new disguises being as bad as Inspector Clousseau trying to fit in as a hunchback in The Return of the Pink Panther. Either way, I'm still scratching my head (especially since all four dropped their hateful scowls for the day and seemed to be genuinely enjoying themselves).
So, while medical advances are GOOD, we are now forced to live with a few negative side effects. The most prominent one is that people who should have died out years ago due to their own stupidity (and should most certainly not be breeding) are now living long and cranking out kids at a disturbing rate. Is it any wonder why so many people are dying in the most retarded ways, year after year? And next time, get the fuck out of my way. If you or your fucking dog are sitting on the only open spot on the boat ramp (and I need to bring my boat back in before getting hit with a late fee) you're going to the hospital, Natasha.
Russian or Mexican? Now that sounds like a reality tv show I could get into.....
© by Michael Cooper 2006