Yo! Come Join the Demonstration, Esse!
ATTENTION BROTHERS AND SISTERS:
I am happy to announce that the "Day Without an Immigrant" marches were a huge success. In addition to the labor unions, communists, democrats, ingrates, and race pimps, we were able to sign up several new groups who will be participating in this Friday's "Let us Vote (for Democrats) Now!" campaign. We are going to show America that we deserve our rights, and if we have to bring this country to its knees in order to show how much we love it, then so be it.
Here is a brief message from the leaders of each group:
UEAN - The Undocumented Esse Action Network
"We are a coalition of thousands of undocumented immigrants who are doing the jobs that Americans won't do (including raping a nun, then strangling her to death with her own crucifix). On May 5th, we will once again teach America a lesson. We will not sell meth, cook meth, commit rape, rob liquor stores, kidnap 13-year-old girls, or expose ourselves to kindergarteners. Furthermore, we will refuse to drive drunk, participate in drive-by-shootings, get tattoos on the one remaining spot of visible skin on our bodies, or wear our mom's hair net like we usually do (even though most of us are shaved completely bald). Please join us in the march this Friday. Either show up in your tricked-out lowrider and bounce it up and down the street like a basketball, or (for the 95% of you who don't have car insurance) come down and impress the girls with your super cool tricked out ghetto bike."
- Paco Ramon Diaz-Diaz, Presidente, UEAN.
ULGTFMSP - United Lesbians, Gays, and Transgenders for Mocking Straight People.
"Our organization was on the fence about joining today's protests until we heard that a hate group was printing out brochures calling undocumented workers "breeders." Words cannot express how unsettling these words are to us, especially since WE have co-opted the word "breeders" as a derogatory term for heterosexual white couples who have children without the use of a turkey baster. When it is used against anyone other than white heteros, the term "breeders" is highly offensive, and should be considered a hate crime. See you at the next event! Resist!"
- Eunice Butterfly Carpetmunch, Spokeswomyn, ULGTFMSP
FWWWFASWMM - Fat White Women with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Who Marry Mexicans
"Hi, my name is Crystal, and I am proud to be married to an undocumented immigrant from Mexico. He is a great man, and a much better provider than my previous four husbands (who had a difficult time getting a job since they were all in prison). Hector is a good father to my five daughters: Amber, Winter, Dakota, Cinnamon, and LapDance. If it weren't for him, we would not be able to survive on just food stamps, welfare, and government cheese. As a 20-year-old with five children, I really owe a lot to the undocumented immigrant community, as does my 34 year old great-grandmother. Please support this cause, so Hector can come rob you blind while you're out marching like a complete tool. Thank you and God Bless."
- Crystal Diaz-Diaz-Diaz-Diaz, 300 lb Woman with FAS
UHSWWTSS - Underperforming Hispanic Students Who Want to Skip School
"Yo yo yo... What up, Esse? This is Hector "Pimp Dogg" Gonzales-Gomez-Diaz, and B 4 I give a shout out to all my homies, I wud like to remind everyon that in the rare chanse U wuz actually planing on going to skool on Friday. Cinquo De Mayo is a day to show whitey that we dont need him. Do not fukcing show up for school. You'll just have to sell your dope next Monday, Chico. This also means that U won't be able to knock up your 11 year old girlfriend that day, but these are the sacrafises we must make in this struggel against white raceism. Besides, Im already pretty good at english and stuff, Esse. After all, I'm 36 years old."
- Hector "Pimp Dogg" Gonzales-Gomez-Diaz, High School Sophomore
UBOA - Undocumented Breeders of America
"Hola. My name is Maria Diaz. I am one of America's working poor. I currently have three jobs in addition to being a full time mother of eight. I am very poor and am currently saving up enough money to buy a hyphenated last name. I would like to ask all my sisters out there to help support the cause of immigrant's rights. It is very important that you at least try to not get pregnant on May 5th. We are going to show America how much they need us. And please make sure your juvenile delinquent children don't show up for school (yeah, right). Don't worry, if your water breaks or you need to get your uterus sewn back up, you can still go to the hospital. This is the one exception, since medical care in America is totally free. However, I must strongly suggest that you at least try to NOT use the Amber Alert system to solve your ongoing domestic disputes like you would do on any other day. If your one of your children is "kidnapped" by their father on Friday, you will just have to wait until midnight. However, since drunk driving is forbidden all day, the likelihood of that happening is very small. Gracias."
- Maria Diaz.
See you all there!
Gracias and Viva La Raza!
Hector Gonzales-Diaz-Gonzales-Diaz-Rodham-Diaz
President
IIWU Local IV Shitbags Union of Aztlan
These marches would have provided excellent carpet bombing opportunities....
© by Michael Cooper 2006