Dawn of the Dead and the new world
I got around to watching this needless remake again to see if I liked it any more the second time. While not total shit it could have been good a really good remake were it not for
i) this fast moving zombie bullshit
I am only willing to suspend so much belief when I walk into a movie. In this case I will suspend enough belief to accept that the dead are able to get up and walk around. I will not accept that they suddenly become super strong and super fast elite athletes. This whole fast moving zombie bullshit is just more of this whole EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEME!!!!!!!!!! Sports bullshit (which is what it is – any “sport” that can be dubbed or has an extreme variant is not a fucking sport – it is bullshit and just an excuse for attention seeking morons, dickheads, and wannabe’s that aren’t tough enough to cut it in the real sport world.
Now don’t get me wrong - I have nothing but respect for guys like Tony Hawk who have made millions out of extreme sports. He saw an opportunity to exploit you drugged out extreme sports fuckheads and he milked you for everything you were worth, and good on him for exploiting stupid shitbags like you. On a site note, Maddox covers the whole "extreme" bullshit brilliantly so go read it then come back.
ii) The zombie baby bullshit.
It was funny when Peter Jackson did it in Braindead, but it certainly was not scary. In Dawn of the Dead it was neither funny or scary. It was more stupid and utterly pointless bullshit that detracted from the rest of the film.
Anyway I was thinking how cool it would be if zombies did take over. All that death and destruction – sweet. Plus it would give me an opportunity to rebuild society in my own image.
Once I have gotten my core group of survivors together we would need to go out searching for food, supplies, and other survivors. No doubt we would find some and need to bring them back.
Every survivor brought back (in fact any person who leaves the safety of the compound except for my soldiers whom I could trust entirely) will be required to strip down totally on their way in to ensure they are not trying to cover any zombie bite marks. It would just so happen that I would have to examine all the hot chicks for bite marks and one of my loyal subordinates would get all the fuggly women and males.
Anyone refusing to strip down will be shot on the spot rather than risk an infestation inside the compound. If I were to just kick them out and not allow them in, they would soon become a zombie and we would just have to kill them later, maybe after they have infected one of my loyal soldiers. Not a chance I am willing to take so death on the spot it is.
Everyone would be put to work either building extensions or security features, preparing food, maintaining vehicles, treating the sick, etc or going out on patrol. Everyone will be required to learn how to use all sorts of weapons in case there was ever a zombie break in.
Soon we would be crowded and need to expand our living quarters. We will need more room for living, more land for agriculture, more security personnel to guard the extra land, more weapon smiths, more soldiers to go out further and further looking for more supplies. All this would need to be done at the same time and quite frankly there would be a severe labour shortage (what with all the widespread death and devastation) so our only hope would be to use the very same engine that powered the Ancient World.
The same engine that built the Pyramids and the Lighthouse at Alexandria, the
same engine that enabled Carthage to become the trading powerhouse with wealth
beyond measure, the same engine that enabled Rome to build the greatest empire
ever seen in this world.
Slavery.
The slaves will consist of any leftists and muslims that have survived thus far, but by far it will be hippies that constitute the largest numbers of slaves. In response to my last piece of hate mail I am also including most goths as slaves. Sure there are a few like Kimberly, Svetlana, Giselle, and a few others I have corresponded with who will be productive members of our growing community but the rest are dipshits who are no good for anything but slaving and being whipped and beaten.
Studies have shown that hippies are completely ignored by zombies so there will be no shortage of them to use as slaves.
While I would very much like to have the slaves building great monuments to me, there will be more pressing matters to begin with.
Slaves would be working in the fields growing our food and will be slaving away in the quarries to get building materials and slaving away on our extensions. Instead of having 100 soldiers doing the work, I can have say 10 soldiers overseeing the slaves, and so those other 90 soldiers can now go out on patrol for more supplies and survivors, keep working on repairing equipment and making weapons etc.
The other thing slaves will be used for is bait. When my loyal soldiers go out to new areas and towns, it will be to their advantage to draw the zombies out so they tie the slaves to a big post and stick it in the centre of the city and sit back from a safe distance and pick the zombies off they come out into the open to get the bait.
I don’t think leftists, muslims, or goths are born lazy and stupid. I think they become those things throughout their lives and thus because these things become instilled in them as they grow, these things can also be whipped and beaten out of them.
Accordingly they will be primarily restricted to working the quarries, farms, and building stuff. As hippies are completely ignored by zombies, they are no good for bait so again only leftists, muslims, and goths will be of any use.
Hippies however are even poor by slave standards. All the whipping in the world might get you a week’s good hard labour out of hippies as opposed to years of the other three groups. And as such after getting all we can out of hippies, they will be used for the final use of slave labour (as will any leftists, muslims, and goths who just cant work anymore and if we have an excess of bait)
This third use of slave labour will be for gladiatorial games.
The great Roman tradition will rise again. Part of the reason the world would be taken over by slow, lumbering zombies would be because there are far too many pussies around. Nobody who lives or grows up in my society will be allowed to be a pussy and so it will be required by everyone – men, women, and children to at least attend the games if not participate in them.
I mean c’mon – you are mainly going up against hippies – it’s not like you are going to be at a huge risk from them. I thought about perhaps allowing a team type set up (like in Gladiator when they are chained together) but if you are going to be involved in the games, then you can either do it properly or just watch.
Actually, no just watching. Everyone must participate in the gladiatorial games. No pussy pacifists are allowed in my society. All men and woman must partake in the games. Children when reaching the age of 18 must also participate. If you can’t kill a hippie, leftist, muslim, or goth slave, then we must assume you are going to be of no use against zombies if we ever had a break in. Even if you are not going to be a soldier you still need to participate and survive at least one battle. No pussies in my society.
Later on, the tougher citizens (along my with loyal soldiers of course) will be allowed to pit themselves against zombies. If they lose the battle they get eaten and die. If they win the battle but get bitten they will be killed afterwards, but will be remembered with honour for having the guts to risk their lives.
With the slaves building and the games entertaining and training the masses to not be pussies, my civilization will no doubt flourish and expand. There will be other survivor groups whom we will assimilate or exterminate as a security precaution.
It will be at this time that we start using the slaves to build great monuments to me and my civilization. One will be a great temple to me where the last few leftists, muslims, and goths (as we should be nearing the ends of their numbers by this stage) are to be sacrificed in my honour and in honour of the gods. In keeping with the whole Roman Empire thing I think their pantheon of gods will have to be reinstated, but I also greatly admire Carthage so will reinstate their pantheon of gods as well.
One monument will of course have to be a great colosseum – even surpassing mighty Rome’s.
Another monument will be something like the Colossus of Rhodes. A huge statue showing me in my awesomeness and striking fear into the hearts of all enemies who behold it.
And finally, one will be a huge mausoleum for me once I die, full of deadly traps and with blood curses placed all over it. In fact, just entering it will cause your penis to shrivel up and drop off and the further into the mausoleum you go, the worse the curses will get. However, outside the entrance will be a sacrificial alter where the slaves are to be sacrificed to appease my spirit and keep me happy despite the inconvenience that death presents in that regard.
With no leftists (and thus no treason), muslims (and thus no terrorism), goths (and thus no dipshitism), or hippies (and thus no more defending of treason, terrorism, and dipshitism) left, my civilization will have nothing to oppose it, nothing to bring it down from the inside, nothing to prevent it wiping out all threats and opposition to it, and nothing to prevent it from ruling the world forever.
Holy shit that would rule...
© by Tiberius Alatheus 2004