Cooper for President 2008!
My fellow Americans: I would like to take this opportunity to announce my intentions to create an exploratory committee to study the possibility of assembling a presidential campaign team to look into a potential run for.... Aw FUCK IT - I'M RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT AGAIN!
At this point, there are no viable candidates on either side of the aisle that have what it takes to fight terrorism, reduce crime, and get rid of illegal aliens who blare their ranchero music while driving to the elementary school to find a new rape victim.
To all of you who have asked me to make another run, you now have your wish. It is now up to you to spread the word and let as many of your friends (and especially your enemies) know about my candidacy, my platform, and this wonderful website we call The Asylum. And once again, I thank you for your support!
Here is my 16-point plan for getting the country (and the world) back on track. In my first 100 days, I will issue 16 Executive Orders (The "Cooper Manifesto") creating the following acts. By no means is this a comprehensive list, but it will do the most good in the shortest amount of time:
1) The Iraqi Reformation Act - Liberals love to tell us that people are dying by the hundreds and thousands in Iraq. Well no shit... What they DON'T like to point out is exactly WHO is doing all the killing. Shi'ia are killing Sunnis, Sunnis are killing Shi'ia, and to be honest, it's not worth one more American life (or one more American dollar) trying to bring democracy to these assholes. Their unspeakable suffering is of their own doing. America toppled one of the worst, most brutal dictators of the last 100 years, only to find out that this monster was actually keeping a lid on the violent tendencies and internal strife of these tribal simians. It is time to let them go at it.
The first part of the act will be to divide Iraq into three countries: The Sunni Triangle, The Shi'ia State (known as "New Iran") and Kurdistan (the only people truly deserving of our help).
The second part will be to allow the inhabitants of those three new countries to hold elections, fight revolutions, draw straws, or do whatever the fuck they want to create their own leadership. It's no longer our problem. As long as they don't attack us or threaten our interests, they can have whatever type of government their god will permit them.
The third and final part of the act will be to bring the American troops home (or send them to Assramistan to put the smack down on the re-emerging Taliban).
At this point, stabilizing Iraq is not worth a single American life, injury, or any more bullshit extended deployments for a soldier who has three kids and a wife at home (and who has already been away for several years). We did what we set out to do (topple Saddam Hussein). Because we are one of the few truly benevolent countries in the world, we tried to install democracy and give the Iraqi people a chance at a good life. We were successful with Germany and Japan after WWII, but unfortunately President Bush had no way of knowing that a group of savages who kill each other over religion and tribal differences could simply not be taught how to live like civilized human beings. You don't see Jehovahs Witnesses killing Seventh Day Adventists in America, so get off your high horses and stop saying that this is in any way "America's fault." It isn't.
As far as the Iraqi oil goes, I say let them keep it. True, we would be within our rights to take over their oil fields and keep them for ourselves to pay off the monumental costs of this war, but let that be a painful lesson to us about what happens when you stick your neck out for someone else. We need to carve up Iraq like a Christmas turkey, get the hell out, and let them exterminate each other like the liberals want them to. The 150 or so Iraqis who are genuinely grateful to America can come live here (but they'll have to move to Dearborn and spy on the American sleeper cells).
2) The WMD Reduction Act - I agree with those who say that America has too many Weapons of Mass Destruction. We have far more nukes than we could ever use, and there are still chemical and biological weapons being carefully dismantled and disposed of in parts of the country. But the process is taking far too long. My goal is to speed up the reduction of America's WMD by dropping them on Tehran, Pyongyang, or any other city that has it coming the next time one of their dictators mouths off and makes threats about destroying the West or denying the Holocaust ever happened.
3) The STFU Act - This act will require all anti-American entertainers who bray about "being silenced" or how President Bush has "taken away our rights" to publicly admit they were wrong when they subsequently go on to win an Academy or Grammy award (or enjoy increased success as a result of exercising the Freedom of Speech they say they don't have). This will also bar any leftist douche from decrying America as a warmongering country if he beats his own wife (Sean Penn), slaps the shit out of his girlfriend (Jackson Browne) or emotionally abuses his children (Alec Baldwin). All politicians, celebrities, and other self-important assholes who ride in limos and fly around in private airplanes will not be allowed to lecture anybody else about "global warning," and anybody with less than a doctorate in physics will be barred from talking about their theories on how 9/11 was an "inside job."
This act will be expanded to ban douchebags from bringing cell phones to the gym where they prattle on loudly and endlessly about their "business deals" (selling dope and hiring Mexicans to cut people's lawns). These cretins will also have to personally apologize to Donald Trump for thinking they're somehow on par with him.
Finally, women and minorities will not be allowed to complain about being "victimized" or "traumatized" by the (moderately) racist and/or sexist language used by talk show hosts if they didn't actually hear the offending broadcast. Grow up and shut up.
4) The Hector-Tweaker Act - Identity Theft is a large and growing problem in America. I will eliminate it by allowing the victims to choose whatever punishment they see fit for any illegal alien and/or meth addict who steals their identity, runs up thousands of dollars in expenses, and ruins their credit. The punishments can range from total forgiveness to a stint in prison or a full-on Thunderdome fight-to-the-death against other tweakers and Hectors. The Thunderdome matches will be shown on Pay Per View each Saturday night, and the proceeds will be used to reimburse the victims. Two men enter, one man leaves (but the winner has to fight again each subsequent week until he or she is killed).
5) The Cultural Diversity Act I - Announce a ban on all Koreans from attending U.S. colleges for one year. This would be done in the tradition of celebrating cultural diversity (in this case, the virulent racism of the Korean people). We could adopt their disdain for us and turn it back on them. This would be a good lesson for the Koreans who fear a "backlash" after the Cho Seung-Hui murders. There is no possibility whatsoever of an American backlash against the Korean community. Koreans are simply projecting their xenophobia onto everybody else. Case in point: Each day in America far more than 32 people are murdered, raped, robbed, kidnapped, shot and stabbed by the illegal alien hoards from Mexico. If America were truly a "racist" country, there would be a violent backlash against Mexicans (possibly involving internment camps). Contrary to popular belief, Koreans, Mexicans, and OTHERS around the world show their racism every time they burn an American flag in protest. When was the last time you saw a group of Americans burning a Mexican or South Korean flag? It never happens. Therefore, in order to embrace TRUE diversity, we should temporarily adopt what seems to be the main focal point of most non-American cultures: racial bigotry, misplaced ethnic pride, and knee-jerk discrimination.
6) The Cultural Diversity Act II - After a week, revoke the ban on Korean students (hoping the ingrates have learned their lesson about implying that we're racist) and instead implement a five-year ban on all Muslim students in American schools. This could also be seen as "embracing diversity," since Muslims are some of the most intolerant, racist people on the planet (as evidenced in Debbie Schlussel's piece about the Muslim Virginia Tech students complaining about having to pray for the non-Muslim dead). And since Christians, Jews, Hindus, and Buddhists are treated worse than animals in Muslim countries (including "moderate" Islamist states like Malaysia and Indonesia) we need to celebrate diversity and teach the Muslims in America how it feels to be on the receiving end for once. Isn't multiculturalism beautiful?
7) The Military Fairness and Reformation Act - Democrats and so-called "civil rights" leaders are constantly whining about the lack of demographic "equity" in our military. Without knowing it, they are actually correct. The military has an over-representation of patriotic white males. There are almost no anti-American leftists in the military (except for traitors like Ehren Watada and other defectors who quickly leave when they actually have to deploy). In order to remedy this (and in the interest of absolute fairness) leftists, terrorism apologists, and anti-war traitors will be forced into military service to serve as target practice and crash test dummies. This way, we can all stop "questioning their patriotism" which seems to be such a big deal with the left. This will also give them some level of credibility when they call everyone else "chicken hawks." Besides, it's the right thing to do.
8) The Gender Equity in Media Act - Tom Leykis will be appointed Gender Equity Czar and will monitor television and movies for parity between the sexes. For every television commercial or shitcom featuring a hapless, fat, unshaven man who can't figure out his gas bill or repair a clogged sink without his wife or daughter stepping in and taking charge, the networks will be required to air a commercial featuring a bubble-brained female dipshit who is so dumb she can't count to two without taking off her bra. Extreme cases (such as "According to Jim" and "Everybody Loves Raymond") will be cancelled, along with Oprah.
9) The Butch Act - This act will make it illegal for Metrosexuals and pussified men to infect others by appearing in public wearing those baby-carrying papoose harnesses, holding their wives' purses, or giving their sons overly-masculine sounding names. Boys who speak with a lisp, wet the bed, are allergic to eggs, wheat, soy, peanuts and sunlight, and sleep with the lights on should not be named "Brock," "Hunter," or least of all "Justice." In addition, fuzzy toilet seat covers will be abolished. Violators will be subjected to three in-ring bare-chested chops at the hands of Ric Flair (and the chops must be loud enough for people in the back to hear them and respond appropriately with "woooo").
10) The Education Reform Act - All teachers unions will be disbanded, and American public school students will be taught how to read, write, speak, and (most importantly) shut the fuck up and keep their opinions to themselves (unless it's truly something useful). For state colleges and universities, the government will no longer back student loans for degrees in Philosophy, Art History, Journalism, or Political Science. Seth, Noah, Butterfly, and all the other anti-American Journalism and Poli-Sci flakes will have to either choose a USEFUL major that helps contribute to society or pay for their own schooling (which means they'll have to actually get a job). In order to do this, leftists will be trained how to dress, speak, make eye contact, and use deodorant. This will sharply decrease the number of unemployable Philosophy graduates and increase the competitiveness of American businesses (leading to an overall decrease in global whining).
11) The NIMBY (Not in My Back Yard) Act - This act will fully fund and authorize the Army Corps of Engineers to dig a trench between the U.S. and Mexico, fill it with gasoline, and ignite it. The stretch of desert in Texas and Arizona where most of the dirtbag illegals cross will be filled with landmines. Hector will have to be quick on his feet if he wants to avoid stepping on a Bouncing Betty and ending up a pile of guacamole and salsa.
In order to prevent future invasions (and encourage the criminals who are already here to go the fuck home) there will be a progressive name tax. The first three names of any newcomer will be taxed at the rate of $500 each, anything over that will cost an additional $10,000 per name. Japanese people (who don't have middle names) will have to pay a mere $1000. Hector Chavez Chavez will owe a manageable $1500, but his cousin, Eduardo Umberto Antonio Alonzo Chavez Chavez Junior will have to pay a crippling $41,500 (yes, "Junior" counts as a name under this law).
12) The Douchebag Elimination Act - You "extreme sports" flakes with eyebrow piercings (snowboarders, skateboarders, off-road enthusiasts, and choking game fags) who cause harm to others out on the slopes, roads, trails, or sidewalks without stopping to render assistance will be executed by being submerged in a giant tank of Mountain Dew. Your equipment and dope will be sold off to the highest bidder in order to compensate the victims of your Peter-Pan-Syndrome and Narcissism. Dude...
13) The Full Employment Act - This is also called the "Americans with Inabilities" Act or the "Get off Your Fat Ass" Act. As Hector and Maria are sent packing (along with their 12 offspring) America's wasteful spending on education and health care for illegals will plummet. As far as the "work that Americans won't do" goes, it will be up to welfare queens and white trashers to pick up the slack. It's time to get off your duff, turn off Montel, and start cleaning hotel rooms, picking radishes, and serving food. In conjunction with the Education Reform Act, the lowest of the low in society will be taught how to dress and act like human beings and will be expected to contribute at least a small amount to the tax base (of which they use so much). White trash women with will no longer be allowed to show off their tattoos at work, except in the topless bars and whorehouses where they belong.
14) The Truth in Advertising Act - Guys in their teens and early 20's will not be allowed to wear AC/DC, The Ramones, or Metallica T-shirts. Those were from MY generation. Get your own goddamn rock groups. It's not OUR fault that your generation's music sucks ass, so go out and get yourself a KEITH URBAN T-Shirt and fuck off..... And hurry up or you'll be late for the Taylor Hicks concert!
In addition, suggestive female clothing will be banned in all public forums, in places of work, and on television. Women who want to show their cleavage have the option of going completely topless or actually controlling their urges to cock-tease the entire world. This also goes for big-boobed MILFs in SUV commercials. It's time to put up or shut up (not have it both ways where you can give guys a hard-on while trying to feign ignorance and innocence). Push-up bras and falsies will be banned. If you don't have it, stop trying to fool the rest of us with it. I am willing to be fair about this, so fat men will not be allowed to go outside without a shirt (unless of course, they're the metrosexual pussies who are getting chopped in the ring under the Butch Act).
15) The Anti-Pseudo-Intellectual Act - Increasingly, pseudo-intellectuals on both sides (but let's be honest: mostly liberals) are resorting to calling people with whom they disagree names or saying that they haven't read any books that weren't written by Theodore Geisel (as if everybody in the fucking world doesn't know that Theodore Geisel is Dr. Seuss). Let's face it. Leftists are anything but intelligent, their insults are puerile, and they need to be put in back their places. All leftist pseudo-intellectuals who think they're the slightest bit clever will have to match wits with Dennis Miller. Losers will be forced to watch Borat endlessly for a 48 hour period (because dick jokes and shit jokes are pretty much about all they can intellectually grasp).
16) The Pelosi-Carter Act - Any American entertainer, actor, or politician who travels to a country which has been deemed off limits by the State Department (Syria, Iran, Cuba, etc.) without first receiving express permission from the current sitting president will have his or her citizenship revoked and be summarily executed. This includes former presidents (especially ones from Georgia who didn't do shit to stop Iran from being taken over by Islamists in 1979 and who now write pro-terrorist, anti-Semitic garbage).
The Natural Born Citizen rule will be amended to allow Australians to be posted to Vice President. Especially those who have proven more loyal to America, its goals, its ideals, and to Western Civilization in general, than almost 50% of Americans....
© by Michael Cooper 2007