What to do when you suspect your significant other is cheating …
Firstly, you are doing what all dumb fucks do and type this search string down on google.com. It is patently obvious that a search engine is a machine and cannot answer your life’s angst in just a click of a mouse button. Anyone who is stupid enough to go TO a machine and expect it to think like us fellow man is a few screws loose of a full cannon. Let me put it simply. The “program” is written by a “person” who can only go as far as to give the “program” some attributes that a human has – i.e. respond. It is not necessary that the answer is correct, there just merely needs to be a response. I give you an example:
Question: “What do I do when I suspect my man of cheating in the back garden shed?”
Answer: “I do not have a garden shed”
Well, fear no more, you twits, for Merewenne has no problems whatsoever in dispensing a few pearls of wisdom to enrich your mediocre existence.
1. It does not matter what underwear you are wearing
The old adage of wearing your best underwear when you leave the house is quite useless, especially when you tag the sentence “… and in case you get hit by a bus”. If I were to get hit by a huge monolith of a bus, the last thing I would certainly do is fall head first into the pavement and expose my posterior for the big wide world to see. It is quite presumptuous to assume that I will be wearing a skirt, let alone underwear to pay heed to this useless piece of advice. Also, the fact my legs will be sticking in the air when I get hit by a bus is absolutely ludicrous. If he is cheating, no amount of underwear can save you.
2. Out of sight, out of mind
Absence does NOT make the heart grow fonder, and if you think that someone is heartbroken and pining away in you, think again. Very often humans encounter what is known as a cheating heart and a wandering eye. If you can resolve within yourself that all people has this, then you are well on your way to spotting a cheater. To be fair, there are a few people who will not stoop to cheating – but they are usually taken anyway, so you have no hope but to play with the loser hand you have been dealt with. When the cat’s away, the mice will play, and that is right – he’ll cheat given the first opportunity to prove his virility is still intact.
3. Beware of undying declarations of love during courtship
Let’s face it, girls, nothing that makes you go “Stupid Bastard” quicker than one who overkills on the flowers, music and poems during your courting days. A man who hides behind material goods takes a woman for a fool. In our day and age, anything we want, we can buy ourselves, so there is no need to overdramatise everything. In time you will realise that flowers die, perfume fades and teddy bears fray, but what sticks to your mind is how he had you fooled for so long…
4. Those who hold their wallets close to their pockets will find that it empties faster by karmic means
Do not despair over the one who bled your finances dry. Karma has a way of finding them a bimbo which is crap in bed and will make them pay for everything. He will start comparing the two of you and realise that you are too up high on a pedestal for him, and he wasn’t worthy of your attention to start off with. The grass may have seemed greener on the other side to start with, but throw in a few domestic chores, granny’s underwear, PMS and shared expenses, and then we’ll see whose grass is greener. Since we are on the subject of shrubbery, bet my bottom dollar that my bush is much better than hers …
5. Never take anything he says seriously
If you already suspect him of cheating, then you are already halfway there to discovering the truth. I am also working on the assumption that you are not psychopathic or needy, and have normal human instincts. I will not be taking responsibility for dispensing advice to anyone who possesses character traits which deviate too far from the norm. Retards are outside my area of expertise.
6. When he asks you to marry him
The elusive question being popped at the most inopportune moments will indicate that he is cheating. Picture this. You are in the bathroom shaving (your legs) one Sunday afternoon and he rushes in and professes a very touching declaration of undying devotion. What you should do is give him the biggest come hither look you can muster, so he is driven wild with lust and will strip down to pretty much nothing. This is where you make your move and give him the biggest hug you can, while your body is caked in depilatory cream. Run your fingers through his hair and whisper sweet nothings in his ear. Leave him to stand for about 10 minutes and he will look like he has been attacked by a weed whacker out to create crop circles. Revenge is sweet, and seeing a man go bald by your hand is even sweeter.
7. When you can't stand him and he can't stand you
Why on earth are you even together? Don’t waste my time by asking me such a stupid question. You know he’s cheating, and he knows he’s cheating ….
8. How to turn your life around like a Mills & Boons novel
Five words for you: “Don’t be such a retard!” Any man who would wussify himself while feeding your totally way-out fantasies must be a few beans short a full can. Any self respecting man will not wait around for you, pine away for years and years while you grow out of your pre-pubescent lard just to pick you up, swing you off in the sunset and marry you. We live in the 21st century where plus size women are the norm – and it’s time you woke up to the realisation that he wont have the strength to lift your body and carry you anywhere. The fact he wants, no .. insists on carrying you suggests that he is cheating on you.
9. 1902 Numbers
If you picked up the phone and dialled those late night ads just because you are wondering where your significant other has gone off to, and you hear a familiar voice down the other end of the line, you have caught him out. Although he is physically not doing the deed with any one else but his hand, he is technically cheating and therefore you should take steps to rectify the situation immediately – such as changing the phone bill over to his name as soon as you get off the phone. Or maybe after an hour or so …
10. Become a lesbian
Let’s face it, better the devil you know than the one you don’t. Why don’t you just bat for the other team, and I am sure you will be the envy of both sexes. You will be secure with the knowledge that he COULD have had you with another woman if you had let him, but you are now the victor of your own spoils. Indulge yourself without the worry of having your eye poked out.
And there you have it. I hope you have all taken my advice to heart as I believe that I have flagged some very important issues for your consideration …
Meanwhile, I will kick back on my king sized bed with a tall glass of bubbly which I do not have to share with anyone, and thank my lucky stars his cheating heart ain’t here to stay….
(c) Merewenne de Berebrewer @ The Asylum