The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Chainsaw Massacre
That is what the remake should be called as that is exactly what they have done to the original. Massacred it with a chainsaw.
It was shit. When it was first announced I thought “Another piece of shit ala Psycho which is going to piss, shit, vomit, and jerk off all over the original.
But then reviews started coming out and word of mouth was saying that it is not that bad and had enough going for it to stand alone.
The only decent thing about this film was Jessica Biel running around in a wet t-shirt. Everything else sucked so bad the makers should get down on their knees and thank their lucky stars that I don’t own a chainsaw.
Oh yeah – let’s set the film in the 70’s and give the cast 90’s attitudes. That would be cool. And let’s use the totally original plot device of having the female lead having been sent to Juvie Hall where she learns to hotwire cars so she can use it to escape at the last possible moment. That will be a really cool thing too.
And let’s remain true to the original by changing the central character in Leatherface from a remorseless, reasonless, killing machine to a poor little boy with a skin disease who was teased by the other kids. That will make the audience feel sorry for him like they did in the original.
And wow – what a surprise ending! I truly had no idea that she had taken the baby and was in the police car instead of the truck. And I so didn’t see that she would run him down as she speeds off.
What an utter piece of crap.
Now there were three films held up as great new generation horror films. One was Wrong Turn, one was The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake and they both sucked the big one. I had one hope left in Cabin Fever.
So I put in the dvd and up comes a warning from the director about how disgusting and violent the film is.
“Hmmm. This could be promising,” I thought.
The only thing disgusting about the film is the fact that I can’t find anyone to pay me a measly 100 grand a year to stay here in The Asylum and play games and watch movies and torture people all day yet this guy could get millions of dollars to make a piece of shit like Cabin Fever and torture everyone who got duped into seeing it by pointing out in every scene how he duped you.
Again the surprise factor was overwhelming. Who could have predicted the totally original and never-before-used method of having the contamination get into the town’s water supply to spread the disease?
And what about the total shock and surprise ending with the one guy who survived walking through the cabin yelling “I made it. I made it” then walking out the front door and getting killed by the police? Again – I never saw it coming. It was a total surprise….
I mean seriously – how fucking stupid do these film makers think we are?
I am reminded of an anti-piracy advertisement here that went something like “Video piracy robs studios of their rightful income”. If they use that income to produce films like The Lord of the Rings, Pirates of the Caribbean, Finding Nemo – no worries. I agree they are being robbed.
But if they are going to use that income to churn out shit like Wrong Turn, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake, and Cabin Fever – then “Pirate on!” I say.
Don’t get me wrong – I love gore. I know – a total shock and surprise in the magnitude of the shocks and surprises in the aforementioned films I am sure. The film doesn’t necessarily have to be a great piece of art for me to enjoy it.
Two of my favourite gore films are Peter Jackson’s Bad Taste and Braindead (Dead Alive for you Americans who can’t release the film with its original title). Not good films by any stretch but enormously entertaining as they did what they were meant to do in entertain you and make you laugh at the gore.
These three pieces of shit I am guessing were suppose to scare me with the gore. Yawn. Gore isn’t scary. Gore can make a scary film scarier. And there is the key. A film must be scary to scare people. Not a piece of shit with some blood thrown into frame like these ones are.
Is it so much to ask for a decent horror film nowadays?
© by Tiberius Alatheus 2004