Buses and Trains

Ahh loyal subjects, it has been awhile.

This realm of ours is greater than I thought to admit, which immediately brings to mind – oh good, more people under our thumbs to crush in our sweep for world domination.

I had been touring the realm incognito, hence most of you would not have recognised me mingling amongst you in my modest rags. Unfortunately, I had the misfortune to take public transport, and while I am a long way from my slave boys carrying my humble frame, I had been rather psychologically damaged from this experience.

1. Firstly, we need to introduce a world-wide initiative called Driving 101 for bus and train drivers. Most of these twits forget that there might be ladies of higher breeding subjected to standing on heels while they forcibly brake after doing 100 miles an hour of speeding. Having a special bus lane does not give you the liberty to play around with loose bodies.

2. Following the above point, let me teach you a little bit about Newton’s first law concerning inertia and mass. When you have a large object .. say a BUS … travelling at a speed .. say 100 miles an hour, you will have objects WITHIN the BUS travelling at the same speed. When you apply the brakes, it means that the bodies within the BUS are still travelling at the same speed, so forcibly braking would result in nothing more than wrenching people’s arms out of their sockets.

3. When someone is quite large, sorry.. quite insensitive of me. When a fat bastard comes in and sits next to a lady, it is understandable that they need to have their legs facing the aisles as they cannot fit into the seat. It is NOT acceptable, however, to use the lady as a leaning post, putting your fat and sweaty back against her shoulders. There is also a matter of called, coming into one’s personal space, and to be sure, I know where you live and I know what to do with you if you even came within a one mile radius of my toilet.

4. Nothing would turn a lady off more than having to have her nose pressed to your armpit during peak hour. Make sure you at least shower before coming to work, during work and before you go home. After all, cleanliness is next to godliness, and I am the closest thing to a goddess as you will ever come across.

5. Ever wonder why we are being inundated with the whole “beware, be alert” ads? Considering we are all different to start off with, do you think that eyeballing the granny opposite you would help? Not only would you be in the realms of necrophilia, the thought of her carrying a bomb in her underwear is quite ludicrous as well as disgusting.

Those who espoused not eating and drinking on public transport had the right idea. There is nothing more disgusting than having to sit in a packed vehicle on a hot summer’s day when most of the windows have been vomited on from the retard who got drunk the night before. Top that off is sitting opposite an old greasy wog – you know the kind I am talking about. The one where they have their shirts unbuttoned all the way down to their navel, while there is a big heavy gold chain sitting on a matt of chest hair, which is frothing upwards at the throat, like a tree reaches towards the sunlight. Except I can hardly call a bald head sunlight unless you count the light reflections off the chrome dome one calls a scalp. Worse than all that is that he is eating a hot, greasy and smelly kebab. You know the type – all onions and lots of garlicky meat. I can tell you that I have never felt more revulsion at that moment when a piece of renegade tomato fell from the kebab and landed on that springy moss of hair. When I thought it could not get any worse, the offending git picked it up, sniffed it and popped it back into his mouth.

The tour of the realm has taught me a lot about the land we are to rule.

There is no question in my mind why I am superior to most of these people, and I am sure that world domination is like taking candy from a baby.

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