Bullshit Translator
Since I've been spending much of my time recently interviewing the hapless morons who come to my company seeking gainful employment (or more specifically, who want to be paid for doing nothing), it is once again time for another instalment of Job Tips. However, unlike the previous articles (where I told the Socially Retarded of the world how to get a job), this article is aimed at you, the hiring manager.
I am proud to say that not only am I fluent in English and Japanese, I have an advanced understanding of Bullshit (which as you know has become the dominant language of the business world). With so many losers applying for jobs this time of year (especially the shitheads who just graduated college), it is sometimes difficult for novice managers to separate the corn from the crap. Here is a handy translation guide, which divulges the TRUE meaning of some common code words used by applicants in job interviews and on resumes.
Again, I wait with baited breath for MSM, CareerBuilder, or Monster.com to rip me off and publish a watered down version of these tips as their own.
Line: "Team player"
Translation: "I'm a lazy fuck who relies on other people to do most of the work, and in teams, it's much easier for me to hide my incompetence."
Line: "Highly competitive"
Translation: "I'm incredibly immature and have low self esteem because my daddy never gave me unconditional love. Nothing was ever good enough for him, and now I act like a big baby by trying to always one-up everybody else, even on things which are of minor importance." (Note: these people are usually into running, cycling, and Lance Armstrong bracelets).
Line: "Thinks outside the box"
Translation: I'm a feckless douchebag who uses hackneyed, overused, 90's catchphrases. In reality, all I ever do is buckle to customers who ask for extended payment terms or special services that our company does not offer. Instead of doing my job and negotiating a reasonable agreement within the framework established by my company, I'm just going to send every odd and unreasonable customer request up the chain, and then blame the company for "not thinking outside the box" when they refuse to bend over and grease up."
Line: "Family oriented"
Translation: "There's no way I'm going to work extra hours, and I'm sure as hell not going to work weekends. I realize you're not allowed to ask me if I have a family, but I'm inserting this into the conversation in order to lay the foundation for a discrimination lawsuit in case I'm not hired."
Line: "Single mother of (3 to 5)"
Translation: "I'm a slut who has no responsibility and a poor self image. I'm not even going to put in a solid 8-hours a day, and everyone else has to pick up my slack. I'm borderline manic, and nobody wants to be around me, especially when they all have to chip in for a baby present the next time Hector or LaShaun knocks me up. But now that I've told you this, you have to hire me."
Line: "Independent self starter"
Translation: "I'm a fucking crook who will rob this company blind if you give me half the chance. All I have to do is convince you what a great guy I am, and gain your complete trust. Then once all eyes are off me, I'm in like Flynn."
Line: "Diversity candidate"
Translation: "I am a racial minority with a chip on my shoulder the size of Colorado, and have nothing to offer apart from the color of my skin. If you have a quota to fill, I'm it. I hate white people, America, and George W. Bush. I will prattle on endlessly about some nonsense I heard on NPR or Air America, and will tell ethnic jokes about my own race in an attempt to bait one of the white employees into joking back (at which point, I will sue the hell out of the company)."
Line: "Outgoing," "Energetic," or "People person"
Translation: "Slut"
Line: "Detail Oriented"
Translation: "Slave-Driving, Micro-managing Asshole. I am a complete prick who likes to find fault with anything and everything done by my coworkers and subordinates. If someone mentions an idea of theirs, I will ask them to fill out multiple spreadsheets and follow up for seven months, detailing every call, event, or potential outcome relating to their idea, even if it's obvious from the start that the idea won't work. The important thing is to focus on every minor detail, create loads of extra work for everybody, and be critical of everything."
So there you have it.... of course not hiring any dumb fuck leftist goes without saying.....
© by Michael Cooper 2006