Battle Royale
I saw a kick ass movie the other day called Battle Royale. It is a Japanese film where basically each year a class of 9th graders is kidnapped by the government and put on a deserted island. They are given a map, a compass, a torch, some water, and a randomly determined weapon ranging from stun guns and scanners to axes and sickles up to shotguns and submachine guns. They have three days to kill each other off and there can only be one winner. If more than one person is left alive at the end of three days the collars around their necks will explode killing everyone.
It
was a kick ass film (though I would have wound back the popcorn gore and made it
all horrible high impact gore like we got at the start) and it got me to
thinking – how cool would something like that be?
Especially if it were one of my Yr 9 classes. Most of the people I went to high school with were dickheads and it would have been a great pleasure to get to kill them plus I would have been doing future society a great service by ensuring they can’t breed the next generation of dickheads.
My year 9 battle royale would be too easy. Most of them were so stupid they would end up killing themselves by seeing how sharp their knife is by running it across their wrists or by trying to see what was in the barrel of a gun or seeing how much a hit with the axe would hurt by tapping it against their skull.
One guy would no doubt see how fast he could climb the mountain with only one hand to show how tough he is. Many of them would get wiped out when stumbling into a danger zone – what with them having absolute zero compass and map reading abilities as illustrated by the same group who got totally lost on our orienteering excursion and got like 12/50 on a geography test.
I reckon within about six hours 24 out of the 32 in this particular would be dead. Five of the eight survivors, while being smart enough to not kill themselves in some stupid way would not last long once they started being hunted. That would leave me and two others – we being the only ones in the class actually keeping the class average above 50%. Remove our outlying marks waaay up the front of the bell curve and watch the average go way down.
For one, I would just say I have a plan on how to escape but can’t do it myself. He will come out and I can shoot him. While academically smart, he just didn’t want to be hated by anyone and actually believed that if you do everything someone asks you to, they will like you and not take advantage of you. And as for the last one – his medical conditions would have killed him long ago.
As I said – too easy. But then I started thinking about how things would go in a battle royale with the morons here at work. Now that could be interesting. So here we go
The Contestants
#1 – Tiberius Alatheus
Weapon: Crossbow – silent and unwieldy but very effective
#2 – Mr Sir Not Appearing in this Film
Weapon: Scanner – not so much a weapon but shows the location of the other collars
#3 – Ms Too Much Make Up
Weapon: Unique Alpine TPG-1 Sniper Rifle
#4 – Mr I’m So Busy
Weapon: Walther PPK 7.65mm – small, light and heaps of stopping power but he will be too busy complaining about how busy he is going to be killing all the other people to realise it is same gun James Bond uses.
#5 – Ms Phone Junkie
Weapon: Brick – as she is used to having her arms at odd angles holding a phone, a brick is a deadly weapon in her hands.
#6 – Ms Office Bicycle
Weapon: Stun gun – non lethal unless used to excess
#7 – Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 1
Weapon: Crowbar
#8 – Mr Anti-United States Bigot 1
Weapon: Benelli M1 Super 90 Tactical Semi-automatic Shotgun
#9 – Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 2
Weapon: Carving Knife
#10 – Mr Scottish Jew
Weapon: Katana
#11 – Mr I Don’t Give A Fuck
Weapon: IMI Mini Uzi SMG
#12 – Ms Terrorist Sympathiser 3
Weapon: Sickle
#13 – Ms Envy
Weapon: Tomahawk
#14 – Ms Ballbuster
Weapon: H&K MP5 Submachine gun
#15 – Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 4
Weapon: AN-M14 TH3 incendiary grenades
#16 – Mr Accidental Manager
Weapon: Chopsticks
#17 – Ms Black Widow
Weapon: Barbed garrotte wire
#18 – Mr I’m So Important
Weapon: Wooden board with a nail in it
#19 – Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 5
Weapon: baseball bat
#20 – Ms Who?
Weapon: candlestick
#21 – Mr It’s My Right
Weapon: Cyanide Tablets
#22 – Mr Sports Fan
Weapon: Cricket bat
#23 – Ms Anti-United States Bigot 2
Weapon: Sledgehammer
#24 – Mr Union Thug
Weapon: Brass knuckles
And the match starts
Tiberius runs out of the building and loads a bolt. He appears to be waiting for someone….
Mr It’s My Right comes out and starts heading towards the coast. Tiberius follows. Tiberius slowly lines up a shot and Mr It’s My Right collapses before he could get a shot off. And yes – Mr It’s My Right used one of his cyanide tablets. Tiberius puts a bolt in him anyway and takes the cyanide tablets.
One down.
Meanwhile, Mr Accidental Manager has grovelled before Mr Anti-US Bigot 1 and said how much he hates America. Mr Anti-US Bigot 1 agrees not to kill him if he helps with the killing of everyone who doesn’t hate the US.
However, they have picked up a shadow. Ms Phone Junkie has decided that even though she cannot win this, she will kill Mr Accidental Manager….
Mr I’m So Important has gone off in the direction he thought he saw Ms Black Widow going.
Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 1 has hooked up with Mr Terrorist sympathiser 4 and have headed for the interior of the island.
Ms Too Much Make Up has beelined for the lighthouse to make use of her sniper rifle with Ms Ballbuster and her H&K for close support. Mr I Don’t Give A Fuck is hot on their tail….
Ms Terrorist Sympathiser 3 headed east around the island while Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 2 got the jump on Mr Sports Fan and stuck him with the knife before Mr Sports Fan could hit him for six.
Ms Envy and Ms Office Bicycle are in a vicious fist fight each having disarmed the other. Mr Scottish Jew was last seen heading towards the abandoned factory.
Mr Union Thug, certain enough that most of the other competitors have dispersed also heads towards the coast yelling out “All you other cocksuckers can fuck off. I just want Tiberius. You hear me Tiberius? Come out! I want to kill you for all the truth you have told about us unions being corrupt and only interested in political power at the expense of the workers we are supposed to represent and at the expense of the wider community”
Ms Who? has run into Ms Anti-US Bigot 2 who is demanding to know whether she hates America or not. Though an ability to speak clear English is supposed to be a job requirement, Ms Who? certainly does not posses this.
Ms Anti-US Bigot comments “Well I can’t understand a word you are saying. Really, you should be fired as you do not meet the minimum criteria, plus it is better to err on the side of caution and assume you don’t hate the America. Ms Anti-US Bigot 2 swings her sledgehammer and caves Ms Who’s head in, leaves the sledgehammer embedded in the skull and picks up the candlestick. “This is not so heavy”
Mr I’m So Busy stumbles upon Ms Envy and Ms Office Bicycle. Ms Envy looks up which gives Ms Village Bicycle the moment she needs to grab the tomahawk and bury it in Ms Envy’s neck.
Ms Bicycle kisses Mr I’m So Busy’s feet and thanks him for saving her and offers him a ride. As soon as he drops his pants – BZZZT!! He takes a stun gun shot to his balls. Ms Bicycle picks up his Walther and takes off.
While he is still rolling in pain, Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 5 appears on the
scene and sees that Mr I’m So Busy has an 8 inch dick - far bigger than his own.
Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 5 is livid. “By allah how is this possible? How can an
infidel pig have a dick four times larger than mine? That is not fair!”
He finishes Mr I’m So Busy off with his baseball bat.
Mr Sir Not Appearing in this Film appears to have disappeared entirely…
The first six hours is up and the death reports comes in…..
#21 – Mr It’s My Right
#22 – Mr Sports Fan
#20 – Ms Who?
#13 – Ms Envy
#4 – Mr I’m So Busy
The match continues……..
Ms Black Widow is aware she is being followed and lays in wait. Along passes Mr I’m So Important. Ms Black Widow turns on the water works and runs out to him. “Shut up and strip off” he orders but as soon as he turns to investigate a noise his throat is opened up by the garrotte wire.
Mr Anti-US Bigot 1 and Mr Accidental Manager get the drop on Ms Terrorist Sympathiser 3. “Freeze” Mr Anti-US Bigot 1 yells. “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t kill you.”
Before she can answer, Ms Phone Junkie takes this as her opportunity, leaping out of the bushes and bashing the back of Mr Accidental Manager’s skull in. He falls to the ground dead at the same time Mr Anti-US Bigot 1 fires and kills Ms Phone Junkie.
“Now back to you” Mr Anti-United States Bigot 1 says.
“I hate US too.” Says Ms Terrorist Sympathiser 3
“As do I” says Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 2 emerging from the bushes. Let’s team up as this whole game must be the idea of America or someone who doesn’t hate America. Or Jooos. Or someone who doesn’t hate Jooos.
“Can I join” Ms Anti-US Bigot 2 says coming up the path from behind.
Meanwhile, Tiberius has met up with Mr Union Thug. Mr Union Thug talks tough but one punch from Tiberius and he is cowering on the ground. He forgot one very important thing. He is only tough when his fellow union thugs are around him. Here on the island, he has no thugs to surround him and is powerless as a newborn kitten. Tiberius uses this to humiliate him. Tiberius puts his right boot forward and says “Kiss it!”
Mr Union Thug complies. Then Tiberius puts his left foot forward. “This one too”
But as Mr Union Thug goes to do so, Tiberius slams his right heel into the back of his head, compacting in the skull and making Mr Union Thug’s corpse twitch violently. Tiberius wipes his boots on the grass and heads towards lighthouse.
Ms Office Bicycle in the meantime arrives at the abandoned factory and has tried to offer Mr Scottish Jew a ride but as he thought he would have to pay for it, Mr Scottish Jew replies with a swing of his katana, taking Ms Village Bicycle’s head off. He picks up the gun and moves deeper into the factory.
On their continuing march towards a series of huts at the foot of the mountains, Mr Anti-US Bigot 1, Ms Anti-US Bigot 2, Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 2 and Ms Terrorist Sympathiser 3 run into Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 1 and Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 4. All agree they hate the United States and the Jews so agree to sleep in the huts as the next death reports comes over the loudspeakers.
#18 – Mr I’m So Important
#16 – Mr The Accidental Manager
#5 – Ms Phone Junkie
#24 – Mr Union Thug
#6 – Ms Office Bicycle
Tiberius takes this report as a good moment to investigate the lighthouse. He slowly opens the door when Ms Ballbuster, who is waiting at the door opens fire. Tiberius throws himself back and moves around from the door. Mr I Don’t Give a Fuck is watching this from a distance and decides he can’t be fucked entering this battle and moves on. Tiberius backs off a little further and loads a bolt. Ms Ballbuster follows and takes a bolt in the neck. Tiberius takes the H&K and moves up the lighthouse
As he gets to the top, Ms Too Much Make Up has had enough and jumps off and goes splat on the rocks below. She has just made life very difficult for the others as Tiberius now has a sniper rifle and off he heads to the mountains.
Mr I Don’t Give a Fuck is slowly working his way along the dark forest path when he hears something strange from the bushes. He sneaks up on the sound and there is Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 5 jerking himself off while muttering “Kill Joooos! Suicide Bombers. Oh Mr Arafat. Oh yeah Mr Arafat - touch me there” over and over.
“Take this you fucking queer” Mr I Don’t Give a Fuck shouts as he opens fire emptying an entire clip into Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 5’s body. “I can’t be fucked with this anymore” he grumbles as he walks off.
Next morning the players awake to another death report
#14 – Ms Ballbuster
#3 – Ms Too Much Make Up
#19 – Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 5
Mr Anti-United States 1 and Ms Anti-United States 2 wake up to find their weapons gone and themselves tied up at the mercy of the Terrorist Sympathisers.
“We have decided to end our agreement early and kill you now” says Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 1.
“But….but…..we hate American just like you do” stammered Mr Anti-US Bigot 1
“And Jews. We hate Jews just like you do too” Ms Anti-US Bigot 2 added.
“We do not care. You are not muslim. You are infidels and so you will die” chimed in Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 4.
“But if we don’t find and kill the others we will all die” cried Mr Anti-US Bigot 1
“Ha. We do not care. We all go to allah. We happy to die a martyr’s death but must make sure no infidel dogs survive” said Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 2.
“I will give you anything you want. Please….” Ms Anti-United States Bigot pleaded.
“Enough talk! We only want you to die” interrupted Ms Terrorist Sympathiser 3.
All the terrorist sympathisers backed away. Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 4 picked up a grenade, pulled the pin and threw it. Mr Anti-US Bigot 1 and Ms Anti-US Bigot 2 explode into flames.
Their celebrations are cut short as a bullet rips through the left knee of Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 1. A moment later, Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 4 has his right knee shot out. Ms Terrorist Sympathiser 3 turns around to grab Mr Anti-US Bigot 1’s shotgun when her knee is also shot out. Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 2 tries to run but he collapses to the ground as his knee cap is shattered by a bullet.
Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 4 reaches for another grenade but his hand is almost shot completely off at the wrist. Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 1 tried to crawl away when his right knee is hit.
All they can do is lay there in pain and wait for their attacker to come forward. After a time, out of the trees strides Tiberius.
“Well, well, well. I always knew I would make a great sniper – but I never would have dreamed me to be this good. Now here I stand with four little piggies to play with”
“You will die, infidel” spat Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 1.
“Maybe so” Tiberius replied “but it won’t be one of you terrorist scum who kills me. Nor will you be around to see me die”
“We are not afraid of you. allah will protect us” Ms Terrorist Sypmathiser 3 proclaimed.
“Funny you should say that,” Tiberius mused “and I will get to that in a moment. First though I will attend to your friend here” he said motioning to Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 4. “He seems to be bleeding quite badly from where his hand used to be attached and I wouldn’t want him to miss out on all the fun we are going to have.”
Tiberius walks over and takes a closer look at his arm.
“Hmmmm. Probably best to just get rid of this entirely”
SNAP!!
With a quick flick of the wrist, Tiberius snaps off Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 4’s hand. As he screams in pain, Tiberius slaps him across the face with his own severed hand and says in his best Arnie impression “Shuddup! Ztop beink such a pussy”
Tiberius takes a stick and lights in the flames from the campfire that use to be Mr Anti-US Bigot 1. Back he walks to Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 4, stands on his arm to hold it still and applies the flame to the stump to stop it bleeding.
“Okay. Now that he’s not going to bleed out on me let me get back to your comment about allah protecting you. He certainly has not done a very good job of it so far has he? Is it possible that allah does not exist and you are just delusional pigs enslaved by a myth?”
“No you infidel dog!” Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 2 yelled. “allah exists in all his glory. He is not a myth”
“I thought you might say that. To say otherwise would mean that you would have to admit to yourself that you had completely wasted your life and that your entire existence was an utterly worthless exercise. Everyone else already knows this about you, but you would have to admit it to yourself.
Tiberius continues “So given that allah does exist there are only two other possible scenarios to explain why I was so easily able to defeat you so I now have you here at my mercy and will not be stopped in torturing you to death. The first is that allah has forsaken you, seeing you as the worthless exercises in existence that you are….
“NO.” Ms Terrorist Sympathiser 3 cried. “It is not true as allah would never forsake us”
“Well,” Tiberius says, “that can only mean one other thing. It can only mean that I am more powerful than allah is. His power is that of a dung beetle while mine is that of a grizzly bear. His strength is that of a glass window against mine of a steel warhammer.”
“You speak heresy! You are infidel! You will……..”
Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 2’s rant gives way to a scream as Tiberius smacks him in the balls with the flaming end of the stick.
“You know a burning sensation in the crotch is often a sign of an STD. In this case, I guess it still is an STD, just a Sadistic Tiberius Disease. It’s what occurs when you piss me off enough to unleash my dark side.”
Tiberius gives him a kick for good measure.
“As I was saying, allah must be exceptionally weak if his power was protecting you and that I was so easily able to overcome you…. hell. I was able to hit you before you ever knew I was there. Why did his power not protect you from my bullets? Why did his power not allow you to know I was there?”
“allah….is….all……powerful…” gasped Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 4.
“If so then he must be too busy fucking goats and camels to notice what is going on here and save you”
“I will kill you!” Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 2 shouted, trying to get to his feet despite his shattered kneecap and singed balls.
Tiberius casually walks over and picks up Mr Anti-US Bigot 1’s shotgun. He takes aim and shoots Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 2’s right leg off at the knee. Tiberius walks over and shoots off his left leg at the knee. From point blank range he then takes off his left and right arms at the shoulder.
“How are you going to kill me with no arms and no legs?” Tiberius quizzed. With little more than spluttering coming as a response, Tiberius points the barrel just above Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 2’s nose and fires, completely liquefying his head from the bottom jaw up.
“One down.. Who’s next?”
The only response was from the birds chirping.
“Oh come on,” Tiberius said. “You mean after all your bravado about allah being this and you going to do that, you now have nothing to say?”
More chirping.
“Oh well. I guess I get to pick. Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 1 – you are next”
“B….B….B….but….n...n…n..n..no….no…please don’t” Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 1 stammered while flailing helplessly on the ground.
“Hmmm. What to use on you,” Tiberius muses. “Ah there we go”
Tiberius picks up a crowbar he finds lying on the ground. The first two blows are directed at Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 1’s elbows. Then Tiberius flips him on his stomach and drives the crowbar through both knees. Two more stabs go through his kidneys. Tiberius flips him onto his back again and impales him on the crowbar through the mouth and leaves it sticking out of the ground.
“Another one bites the dust. Da. Da. Da. Another one bites the dust. Hey, I’m gonna get you too, another one bites the dust”
Ms Terrorist Sympathiser 3 is crying while Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 4 moans painfully.
Tiberius walks over to Ms Terrorist Sympathiser 3, kneels down, grabs her by the chin and tilts her face towards his. “Oh no tears please. Such a waste of good suffering”
While Tiberius has been doing his work, Ms Black Widow has come across the abandoned factory and Mr Scottish Jew.
“Stop right there!” Mr Scottish Jew orders.
“Please don’t shoot me” Ms Black Widow pleads. “I just want one more fuck before I die.”
Before Mr Scottish Jew can reply, Ms Black Widow is gunned down by Mr I Don’t Give A Fuck. Mr Scottish Jew fires off a quick few rounds and heads deep into the factory. Mr I Don’t Give a Fuck follows into the game of cat and mouse.
Meanwhile back at the hut village, Ms Terrorist Sympathiser 3 continues sobbing.
“Goddamn it!” Tiberius says. “I can’t stand to see a dumb animal suffer. I’ll tell you what. Because you are supposedly a woman, I will do you clean and fast, ok?”
A quick snap of the neck and Ms Terrorist Sympathiser 3’s body goes limp.
“Well that only leaves you, pigfucker” Tiberius says to Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 4. “Now what is a suitable death for you?”
Tiberius looks around at the various weapons strewn about. “So many toys. So little time to play with them all”
“Ah hell. Let’s go the good old fashioned knife. Now I am going to skin you and carve you open”
[passages deleted in the interest of good taste – especially the bit where Tiberius cuts an opening in Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 4’s abdomen, reaches in and pulls out his intestines before going back in again and pulling out his remaining internal organs including the heart and lungs]
Tiberius is literally covered in blood from the neck down. He walks over and picks up the K&K MP5 and points it at some bushes.
“You might as well come out” Tiberius called. “I know you are there. Come out or I will open fire”
Slowly, Mr Sir Not Appearing in this Film emerges with his scanner in his hand, and look of total horror on his very pale face.
“What’s in your hand?” Tiberius asked.
“A scanner. It…it locates the other collars,” replied Mr Sir Not Appearing in this Film.
“That will be very handy locating the remaining competition. Throw that over here.”
Mr Sir Not Appearing in this Film does as he is told and asked “What are you going to do with me?”
“Well considering you were not one of the most annoying morons I had to work with, I have decided to be merciful on you” Tiberius said as he reaches into his pocket and throws the cyanide tablets to Mr Sir Not Appearing in this Film. “Take a couple of those and it will be a quick death”
Mr Sir Not Appearing in this Film looked hesitantly at the bottle.
“It’s either that or I will dissect you like I did him” said Tiberius said, motioning to the empty husk that was the corpse of Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 4.
Mr Sir Not Appearing in this Film swallows a couple of tablets as Tiberius picks up his sniper rifle, the auto shotgun, his MP5 and a number of grenades.
As Tiberius follows the scanner to the final showdown, another death report comes over the loudspeakers.
#23 – Ms Anti-US Bigot 2
#8 – Mr Anti-US Bigot 1
#9 – Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 2
#7 – Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 1
#17 – Ms Black Widow
#12 – Ms Terrorist Sympathiser 3
#15 – Mr Terrorist Sympathiser 4
#2 – Mr Sir Not Appearing in this Film
Only three contestants left. Who will win?
Tiberius arrives at the factory and here’s the shouting and gunfire from within. He throws all his grenades inside hoping to wipe them both out.
Eventually two figures drag themselves out of the fires. Tiberius takes aim and drops them both. He walks over to each one and puts a bullet in each skull to make sure.
Tiberius wins.
Tiberius lost count of the number of topics for comment he has forgotten while trying to finish this piece of shit.....
© by Tiberius Alatheus 2004