The Return of the King and a Trilogy of Dumbasses.
I went to see The Return of the King again yesterday. I first saw it on opening night with the real fans. However a friend of mine did not come with us that night so I took her to see it yesterday. While I was blown away once again by the scale and spectacle of it (the charge of the Rohirrum always gets the goosebumps up) much of my enjoyment was watching her experience the movie. Seeing her jump at Shelob's attack, looking at the awe in her eyes as the Oliphaunts charge into the fray, hearing her gasp at the sheer number of the armies of Mordor spread out before Minas Tirith.
But of course, as always, there have to be some dumbasses to ruin it.
Dumbass Number One was the stupid bitch with her crying baby. I paid good money to see this movie - not listen to your brat. It is the sad sombre moment with Pippin's mournful song as Faramir rides to certain death in an effort to gain some sort of recognition and love from a father who wishes he was dead instead of his brother. A tear inducing moment ruined by "Waaa. Waaa. Waaaa."
At one point she got up and walked out of the cinema and I thought "Great. She has finally had the courtesy to fuck off home" but no - she and her crying brat still came back.
Where is her courtesy? I didn't force her to have the baby. Why should I have my movie going experience spoiled after paying my hard earned money to watch it? I am willing to bet that she didn't pay for her baby to get in. What right does she have to bring it into the cinema and spoil the movie - especially for my friend who had not seen it before?
She made the decision to have a baby so she should have to live with the consequence. If that means she leaves it with a baby sitter or she does not go to the movies if she can't find one - too bad. Babies change things. If you don't want to make those changes then keep your legs together. Why should I have to accommodate her at my expense? Stupid bitch.
Now we come to Dumbass Number Two. There always has to be one arsehole who leaves his mobile phone on the loudest ring tone he has. And because he is a complete jackass he has to pretend to fumble around for it so it takes the whole thing to play through once before he finds it - just to show off what a cool ring tone he (thinks he) has. There is always one and this dumbass was it.
I stood up and was about to hurl my coke in his direction (yes it would have splashed the others around him but most of them would have been his friends so they would have deserved it and anyone who wasn't with him I would just say that it was his fault and if they don't like getting wet with coke, tell him to turn his phone off) when the guy behind him kicked his seat hard and told him "Turn that fucking phone off before I bash your head in"
And finally we come to the Dumbass Number Three. There is no curse
in Elvish, Entish, or the tongues of
And he finds his way. The Witch King, whom no man can kill, has
Eowyn by the throat "No man can kill me. Now die."
Congratulations shithead - you have shown us that you have already seen the movie. That, and also that you need your head to be kicked in about twenty times before we even think about starting on the other two dumbasses in the cinema.
As if spoiling the line for people like my friend who hadn't seen the movie before wasn't bad enough, then to add a little laugh like "I am so smart and cool. I spoke the line before the actor did. Nobody will ever think I have seen it before. They will all just think I am really smart and intelligent and really cool for being able to guess it" - does this shit-stain even realise that he is so proud of yelling out a line spoken by a woman who is proud that she is not a man? I would say no, he doesn't.
It was here that I wished Eowyn was with me. She would have gotten up and walked over to this shit-stain and said "This is what happens when you steal my line" She would have proceeded to body slam him on every step in the cinema then systematically break all of his bones that had not already been broken. She would then go up to the guy with the phone, snap his wrist to get it off him then shove it up ass sideways and say something like "Let's see how loud that rings now."
Finally she would have walked up to the inconsiderate bitch and her crying baby. She would smack the baby and say "Shut up or I'll give you something else to cry about." Then she would have grabbed the mother and rammed her head into the wall saying "You hear that ringing sound in your ears? That is what it is like for us to listen to your brat. Learn some courtesy and consideration" before throwing her into the next row of seats.
I would pay good money to see that.
Eowyn is my perfect woman. Everyone agrees that we would make a kick
ass couple and our kids would grow up to be future leaders and great warriors -
not the pussies most people are turning their kids into...
© by
Tiberius Alatheus 2004