All roads lead to Rome: Total War
A great man once had a dream.
In it, he and his loyal allies would march onto the field in a stony silence. Sunlight glistening off their swords, the rhythmic clang of their armour from perfectly synchronised footsteps in perfect formation. Grim determination etched on their faces – protectors of their civilization.
Across the field from them is the enemy. Savages from all corners of the world have united in one massive army. Dressed in rags, covered with filth, a cacophony of shrieks and screams. A horrid stench rising from the chaotic mass.
The savages charge, and though greatly outnumbering our noble heroes, break upon their disciplined formations as water on rocks.
The battle does not rage long. The savage hordes are slaughtered in their thousands, then, being the cowards they are, the rest turn and run. Our noble heroes continue the slaughter into the night until the last vestiges of the saving filth have been cleansed from the world as a new dawn rises.
The noble heroes in this dream are all right minded and sane people who believe in hard work and personal responsibility.
The savages are leftists and their terrorist and Communist and neo-nazi allies.
The great man who had this dream – is me.
But alas since leftists and their terrorist allies are complete cowards who will never face anyone (except 3 year old girls and other children) in combat (especially if there is a chance they may actually get hurt or even killed), it shall always remain but a dream.
I have long had a fascination for the old style of warfare. There is something that seems infinitely more satisfying about feeling a blade in your hand as it slices through muscle and bone of an opponent than popping off a shot from 100 yards. Something special about feeling the spray of arterial blood across your face as you hack off your enemy’s head. And nobody in history was as good at it (and at bringing civilization to the savage hordes at the end of a sword - which the world seems to badly need once again)) as the Romans.
So there is no real surprised that I have been awaiting the arrival of Rome: Total War for all too long. This review is far from comprehensive (as a comprehensive review would take up too much precious playing time) so don’t write me saying “You didn’t mention this or that.”
I also recommend that you go and play Medieval: Total War before you play Rome. Medieval is a great game that deserves attention but after the you witness the glory that is Rome it will be hard to go back.
The bottom line is you should go out and buy this game and experience it all. That said, the short review of Rome: Total War is “Stop wasting time reading about this game and go and buy it.”
The long review starts here.
I have very fond memories of Medieval: Total War. It was one of the only games where as soon as I finished it, I played it again and again. My first game was with the Byzantines, then after finishing it, I immediately went through again with the Holy Roman Empire. After finishing it with the Holy Roman Empire, I went through and played it again, this time with the English. After finishing it with the English I started playing again with the Spanish (but part way through that game I got Knights of the Old Republic) and though I did not touch the Spanish campaign for months, Medieval: Total War and its expansion The Vikings Invasion were great games I kept coming back to. The myriad of nations and the unique units available to each made for so much variety that each game was a different experience.
Now take that thought and improve almost everything about the game and you have Rome: Total War
Normally I would probably do a Good and Bad section but in this game the good are far too numerous and the bad too few so instead I will do The Fucking Great and The Not So Good:
The Fucking Great:
Where to begin? Okay – the battles in Medieval: Total War were impressive as marching 10,000 troops onto a battlefield tends to be quite cool. However the battles had a passiveness to them. Apart from setting their formation and ordering them to march at the enemy there was little more you could do with your little sprite soldiers.
Plus the fact they were sprites and did look a little odd just served to bring out of the experience. However, your new, 3D motion-captured troops in Rome: Total War are a revelation.
While you have more options in terms of your units (special abilities like flaming arrows or specialist formations, some units can throw spears before moving in to hand to hand etc) you still don’t really have any more control over the actual hand to hand battles than you did in Medieval but it is a much more engaging experience.
Seeing men stumble, stagger, then hit the ground and seeing them flung through the air by cavalry just adds something to the game. Battles are a pleasure and a joy to play. Plus the ability to zoom right in to the battle is awesome and you can see all your leftist slaughtering fantasies in close up. Though it is a little too easy to forget there is whole battle going around you….
Town sieges are amazing. Gone are days where all you needed was a couple of trebuchets to bash down the walls, some light and fast units to get in to the breach fast and stop the towers firing at you, and some heavy units to wipe out the enemy. Now you have battering rams, siege towers, ladders, and sapping points. Breaching the walls is only half the job in Rome: Total War. To capture the city you need to get to the centre of the city and capture the central plaza. This is easier said than done. Defenders will clog choke points forcing you to find alternative ways to the centre and in a large city your troops may find themselves on the opposite side of the city of where they should be.
War dogs: These beasts can wreak havoc on light infantry and cavalry. They will charge at the enemy and will either eliminate them all before finding more chew toys or will chase the enemy right off the map (literally). A number of times I have had the pleasure to see an enemy general pulled to the ground by four or five war dogs and ripped to shreds. Just think how cool it would be loose these things on hippie scum at their next march….
Elephants: Let’s face it – since The Return of the King, who hasn’t wanted to ride a giant beast with the ability to stomp everything else on the battlefield into the ground into battle? Well now you have the chance. Infantry and cavalry are equally powerless against them and there is little that is more satisfying than seeing entire divisions of your enemy’s hardened heavy infantry being trampled and flung around, before running away like little leftist cowards thanks to the charge of one elephant division. I would love to see these put to use at the next anti-war rally. Those cowardly leftist pieces of shit are all brave to throw things at police and horses, let’s see how brave and tough they are against rampaging War Elephants.
Enemy AI: I have found the enemy AI to be quite good. Rarely have I encountered the enemy running straight at me head on. Often they will start to do so but then try to flank around. And when you have two enemy units doing figure 8’s in front of you – it does give you second thoughts about charging straight at them and maybe getting hit from behind if your men do not manoeuvre fast enough to counter their charge.
The Campaign Map: Mountain passes and river crossings and terrain and changing seasons all effect your armies and your strategies in one way or another. They take the game to a new level of realism.
Sound: The soundscape of the game is brilliant. Your general’s speeches to his troops before battle are worth listening to as often they will contain information about the enemy or useful techniques and strategies to employ, and often they are downright entertaining.
“We will win the day. I have it on the best authority. That is to say, I have it on MY authority!”
Sound effects from the clanking of spears on shields to the thudding of charging infantry and cavalry to the roar of elephants running amok are spectacular. And last but not least is the music which rises and falls in perfect harmony with the onscreen action and is truly worthy of an epic film, let alone a game.
Diplomacy: The use of diplomats to bring in thousands of Dinars per turn can really help your treasury out of a pinch. You have a wide range of options available including having other cities become Protectorates of Rome (though nobody I have asked has been willing to give up their freedom to me just yet)
The Not So Good:
Ally/Reinforcement AI: Reinforcements standing around with their thumbs up their asses, reinforcements standing around with their thumbs up their asses then turning up late, reinforcements standing around with their thumbs up their asses not entering the battle until my units have been completely decimated, generals with the tactical abilities of a tree stump doing stupid things like charging cavalry units into the middle of 4 divisions of spearmen/phalanxes and getting themselves killed so all their troops turn coward (i.e. leftist) and run.
No ability to turn off battle time limits: This sucks – especially since you had this ability in Medieval. I am quite sure that when the Romans were pushing into Gaul some 2100 years ago they didn’t suddenly give out a yell and say “Well time’s up. Damn, we lost. Looks like you Gauls get to keep your city until next attack.”
No ability to save campaign battle replays: I built up quite a collection of battle replays from Medieval and have won some stunning victories while being severely outnumbered in Rome: Total War which have won me cities and destroyed civilizations but now I have no way to save and relive them. Boo!
But in all honesty, these are totally minor glitches in what is otherwise a brilliant game.
Overall:
If you enjoy real time strategy games – buy this game.
If you enjoy Civilization/Age of Empires type of games – buy this game.
If you enjoy Ancient History – buy this game.
If you want a game that has almost limitless replayability – buy this game.
If you are a casual gamer that just likes to play good games – buy this game.
If you are a hardcore gamer who only plays the best of games – buy this game.
If you are a dateless wonder and need something to occupy your lonely Saturday nights – buy this game
If you have just broken up with a significant other and don’t know what to do with yourself – buy this game.
If you have vacation time coming up and don’t know where to go and what to do – buy this game.
Basically unless you are some leftist piece of shit who is only interested in child pornography (and thus buy this game in error after hoping it too will contain child pornography) you have no reason not to own this game.
Now if you’ll excuse me, there is an ancient world out there that is not going to conquer itself…. ROMA VICTOR!!!
© by Tiberius Alatheus 2004