Middle of the Barrel Movie Reviews: The Host
It has been very quiet here at The Asylum as of late. That's because there's
really nothing new to report. Nothing has changed. Leftists still support
Islamists and dictators around the world while vilifying the military, America,
capitalism, and anything else that makes the West superior to the rest of the
world. Esses in their 20's and 30's continue to impregnate their 12 year old
girlfriends and commit crimes at an increasing (but no longer
surprising) rate. Racist black leaders rally around violent criminals and
hold them up as "victims", and Muslims continue to dominate Europe into
submission, threatening to behead anyone who dares to criticize their peaceful
religion.
Therefore, the only thing to write about is movies. Shitty movies.
"The Host" is a Korean turd of a film actually made worse by the fact that it is
so good in many ways. It is a unique combination of monster movie, drama,
comedy, and political conspiracy film. The acting is good, the computer
generated monster is excellent, and the funny parts are indeed very funny. But
the ham-handed way in which it pushes its flagrantly anti-American agenda down
everyone's throats makes it seem at times like an X-Files rip-off (or Sci-Fi
Channel original movie).
Unlike the vast majority of douchebags in America who LIKED this movie (having
never seen a Korean film before), I regularly watch Korean television and have
seen numerous Korean movies. And unlike the retards in the theater who liked the
horrible Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and took about 10 seconds longer than I
did to react to each line (because they are fucking morons who can't read), I
believe I am in a much better position to review The Host.
The story revolves around a loser single father whose 13 year old daughter is
kidnapped by a giant mutated fish-like creature who lives in the Han River
(trust me, it works on film). The creature was supposedly formed by the U.S.
military dumping formaldehyde into the sewers. Ignoring the fact that
formaldehyde is used to PRESERVE bodies, the movie expects people to completely
turn off their critical thinking skills. After receiving a cell phone call from
his daughter saying she's alive and trapped somewhere underground, the man,
along with his dad, brother, and sister, set out to find her. Before they can
find her, the (dysfunctional) family has to endure all sorts of government
interference and ineptitude.
Later, when the family confronts the creature along the river, a large group of
protesters is gathered, and the police threaten to spray crowd with something
called 'Agent Yellow' (created, of course, by the evil U.S. military) which they
eventually do. This causes the monster to drop and the humans to keel over,
vomiting blood. This is bizarre on so many levels, but I'll just mention one:
Why the fuck didn't the military or police drop Agent Yellow on the creature
before this? For that matter, where the hell were the police and Korean military
throughout the fucking film? The police spend their time keeping people away
from the river but the Korean government makes no attempt to kill or capture the
creature whatsoever. In fact, if it weren't for the missing girl's family,
nobody would have pursued the
creature at all (which is pretty bizarre, considering that it killed about 20
people at the beginning of the movie).
Then there's the ending. I'm not going to give it away, but let me say it's a
big letdown. I'll give the director credit for not taking the easy (and
expected) way out, but sometimes you need to give the people what they want.
Again, it is the fact that this movie is so incredibly good in so many places
that it's such a letdown. It almost seems like it was written by two different
people.
Here's a handy list:
Good:
Overall premise - a monster takes a 13 year old girl (whom everyone assumes is
dead), and her loser dad, alcoholic uncle, medal-winning (in archery) aunt, and
dipshit grandfather set out to find and rescue her (after she calls her dad from
her cell phone). OK, I'm not doing the movie any justice, but trust me, the
premise is excellent, and it really does work.
Characters - the quirky, dysfunctional family is very well done.
Blend of movie types - combining a monster movie, comedy, and drama is very
risky. But the director pulls it off better than any movie I've seen (the second
best would be Shaun of the Dead which brilliantly mixed horror with
humor and is a far superior movie). Unfortunately when the fourth genre
(political conspiracy movie) is crammed in, the movie falls apart.
Good acting - not only was the acting good, the casting was superb. What struck
me is that if (God forbid) they ever do a shitty Hollywood version, they'll
likely use super-cute, super attractive beautiful people. In the Korean version,
the director used average-looking people, and it works very well.
Animation - some people have said that monster looks fake. That may be the case
on the big screen, but on DVD, it was one of the most convincing CGI jobs I've
ever seen. At one point, the creature barfs up the skulls and bones of everyone
it's devoured - very well done!
Comedy - the funny parts were funny. What more can I say?
Bad:
Ham-handed anti-Americanism - This was fine up to a point, but after a while it
seemed to take away from the main story and subplots. The way in which it was
done eventually became tedious and stupid.
Conflicting storyline - Although the director did such a great job in blending
three of the different movie genres, he does an absolutely shitty job of staying
with one focus. Is the monster a CREATION of the U.S. military, or just a
side-effect of their actions? Is the Korean military taking orders from the
Americans, or are they pushing back? Do the powers that be WANT to kill the
creature, or are they trying to protect it? And if they want to kill it, then
why don't they even make an attempt until the very end? Where the fuck is the
Korean military? Was Agent Yellow a factor in the
CREATION of the monster? If so, why does it almost kill it? Is there a 'virus'
loose or not? If not, then what is the Agent Yellow REALLY for? And why doesn't
anyone die from exposure to Agent Yellow, even though the main characters get a
healthy dose (large enough to drop the creature and make the humans all cough up
blood, then walk away minutes later, totally unscathed)?
Plot holes - There are too many plot holes to mention (big and small), including
the complete lack of brain activity on the part of the police. They never even
attempted using cell phone towers to trace the girl's call (the only one who
offers to help with this is a telecom employee who is being paid off by the
government to help hunt down the dad and his sister). This adds to the
discontinuity of the story, since it does indeed seem that the government wants
the monster to die, but everything they do ends up preventing that from
happening. Normally, I can handle one or two plot holes in a Sci-Fi movie, but
when it gets out of control (think Armageddon) all bets are off.
Ending - The ending sucked. Fortunately, by that time I had already lost
interest.
See this movie at your own risk. And if you really liked it, let us know. We
need to identify the stupid people with no critical thinking skills so we can
rid the world of you ASAP.
If you want to see a truly good Horror/Sci-Fi Comedy, rent Arachnophobia,
Tremors, or Shaun of the Dead..... Now get back to work.
Maybe we can create one of those monsters to kill leftists....
© by Michael Cooper 2007