Christmas Sucks
I hate Christmas. Not just because Halloween (with its demons and
devils and ghosts and shit – everything I love) is my favourite time of year
and is the antithesis of Christmas (angels and crappy little elves and the whole “be
nice to each other” philosophy – everything I hate) – but because of the aural
and visual assault on my senses everywhere I go.
At work I had to contribute $2 to the team Christmas decoration
fund. $2!!! For what? Crappy tinsel
and a cheap and nasty, multicoloured snowflake. And of course they go
and put a big piece of fruity bright pink tinsel above my desk – just to annoy
me I am sure.
Just wait til next Halloween. There are going to be so many
cobwebs and fake blood and ghosts and skeleton figures on my desk that you
won’t be able to pick up a pen without disturbing something. And when someone
complains that they are offended or scared by workstation I am not gonna say a
word. I will just pick up the phone and call the anti-discrimination council
and say “I am a Pagan trying to celebrate this most significant of days and my
religion is being belittled and my right to practice it is being oppressed.”
Loudly so everyone around me can hear it. But I digress…..
I love walking into shops and hearing piss boring Christmas carols
that are going to put me to sleep as I stand there trying to decide which game
I am going to buy today and which one I will end up coming back for and buying
tomorrow. I love hearing those grating, insanity-inducing carols – in early
November.
I routinely walk into a store and say “Gee. I wasn’t gonna buy
anything today – but since I see you forcing your staff to wear stupid
Christmas hats and stupid looking reindeer antler headbands – I think I will.”
Yeah. Nice try.
Now I realise that we are traditionally a Christian country so am
not calling for the abolition of all things Christmasy (not yet anyway – once I
take control of the country in a bloody slaughter I will impose my atheistic
rule where all religions will be banned – except ancient Roman mythology and
maybe Buddhism but that is a story for another time) but can we please use some
common sense?
Think of your staff – they have to deal with never ending lines of
dickhead shoppers – I want this, how much is this, you overcharged me on this,
I want to pay cash for this, cheque for this, and credit card for this because
I am a dickhead and won’t just pay for it all together – don’t make them wear
hot, uncomfortable hats as well. Plus it is not like having those shitty hats
on is going to make people buy more.
And think of your customers – they don’t want to hear bullshit,
sleepy, slow, crap boring carols pumping through the loudspeakers at volumes
they were NEVER meant to be played at.
Bah Humbug!
© by Tiberius
Alatheus
2003