The Asylum's 2006 Darwin Awards
Hey hey... Ho ho..... It's a brand new year, and that can only mean one thing: time to make fun of the people who died as a result of their own stupidity over the past 12 months! Hooray!
First of all, there was James Kim. He was the dumbass from San Fran Freako who owned two stores along with his wife (no doubt a hardcore leftist) who drove his family to Seattle for Thanksgiving, then planned on driving to Gold Beach, Oregon. The only problem was that he missed the exit which would have taken him via the main road from I-5 to Gold Beach (which would have been hard enough as it was). His first mistake was to take a treacherous, snow-packed service road over the mountains which no local would drive without at least a Hummer. As a result, he got his car stuck in the snow miles away from civilization. There is some controversy and finger pointing, as a gate which was supposed to be closed and locked was left open by the Bureau of Land Management (since they assumed that there could still be hunters up in the mountains who would need to use the road). That's no excuse for the stupidity of Mr. Kim. It isn't well known, but it is a fact that the roads taken by Mr. Kim were often blocked by basketball-sized rocks, which Mr. Kim simply moved out of the way (not realizing that it might be a good idea to turn back). His second mistake was to not get enough gas. Yes it appears that Mr. Kim had neglected to get gas at the last gas station before the long trip over the mountains to Gold Beach. So even if he wouldn't have gotten stuck in the snow, he would have almost certainly run out of gas. Finally, after being stuck in his car for several days, Mr. Kim did what even the much-vilified Boy Scouts know you shouldn't do - he left his car and set out on foot to find help. As his family was found and rescued, Mr. Kim died alone in the snow, and all indications are he became delusional and disoriented due to hypothermia (as he had taken his clothes off near the end). It's a sad situation for sure, but the nauseating endless news coverage was hardly warranted. Mr. Kim is now being called a "hero" by the leftist American press (who have completely changed the meaning of the word). Let's just be thankful that Mr. Kim's stupidity didn't end up killing his entire family. Actually, after several days in the car with MY wife (having to listen to "I told you so" for hours on end) I may have also opted for the easy way out and taken my chances with Mother Nature. Predictably, leftist San Francisco Senator Barbara Boxer is calling for an "investigation" into why the gate to that road was open. Give me a fucking break. A movie deal for the Kim family is undoubtedly in the works. Watch for it.
Another group of contenders also died in Oregon (a big state for morons across the country to die in last year, it would seem). In December, experienced climbers Kelly James, Jerry Cooke, and Brian Hall all died on Mount Hood after being stuck in a massive blizzard. The three had apparently climbed to the peak of the mountain before Mr. James injured his shoulder and had to wait in a snow cave while the other two went for help. The weather was horrible (as was forecast) with high winds and massive snow for days. The county and National Guard wasted a lot of money looking for the three, and eventually Mr. James was found (dead). The other two have not yet been located. No doubt some unfortunate hikers will find them this spring when it starts to thaw out. Again, the national news pelted us with sympathetic stories about how "experienced" these idiots were. Ok, fine. So why didn't they check the fucking weather forecast? And I hate to be on the same side as Rosie fucking O'Donnell (who criticized the pointless rescue efforts) but really at what point do we as a society say "fuck off" to those who feel the need to tempt fate and risk their lives climbing mountains in the middle of winter (and refuse to rent a $5 locator unit which may have helped save them)? This brings me to our next contender.....
Sadly, we must report that Ken "Narcissistic Dumbass" Barnes of Newport Beach, CA will not grace this awards list with his untimely demise. This year, he has not yet bought the farm, but we think it's only a matter of time. Mr. Barnes (like so many narcissistic rich dumbasses do) was attempting to sail around the world solo when he ran into trouble. His boat had been disabled by a storm (gee, who knew that would happen?) and he was stuck somewhere 500 miles off the coast of Chile. After a moderate search, he was eventually rescued by a Chilean fishing boat. I say he should be imprisoned, tortured, and fined for making the Chilean Navy (which probably doesn't have a boat any bigger than his) look for his sorry ass. If the UN is good for anything (which it isn't) they should pass a law declaring that anyone who flies, sails, or otherwise travels around the world by themselves is to be ignored if and when they run into trouble. And let's just hope that Mr. Barnes (obviously one of those wealthy people who is "bored" and needs to "find himself") tries this stunt again in the near future and that Sir Richard Branson and Bill (Leftist Douchebag) Gates do the same and snuff it.
... And here is our winner:
10-year-old Sergio Pelico (an illegal alien from Guatemala, living in Houston, Texas), died this month while apparently trying to mimic Saddam's execution. While it's certainly not funny that a 10-year-old kid died, it is most certainly stupid. Apparently the kid saw the news of Saddam's hanging and asked his uncle why he was executed. Wow, that's pretty fucking dumb in and of itself. My eight year old daughter knows all about Saddam Hussein and what a murdering piece of shit he was. And let me just call "bullshit" to one thing. I don't think the kid was trying to mimic Saddam's hanging as much as he was probably participating in the biggest children's fad in American history (other than lesbianism, that is): The Choking Game. That's right - I'm convinced that little Sergio was more likely than not trying to get "high" by playing Space Monkey. But even if he really was only imitating Saddam, that's pretty fucking stupid.
I'd like to give an Honorable Mention to all the dipshits and morons who predictably died this winter from fires caused by trying to fry a Thanksgiving turkey too close to their house, the morons who died by using propane stoves or barbecue grills INSIDE their houses when their power went out, and of course to the leftist traitors who died by suicide or drug overdose. Let's hope for even greater numbers in 2007.
I am outraged that Cooper nominated this 10 year old boy for an award this year. Clearly he killed himself too late to make the cut off for last year's awards and should have been included in this year's awards.
© by Michael Cooper 2007