1. When filling out an application, use your best penmanship. If it looks like shit, I’m not reading it. If it looks really bad, I’m showing it around the office.

2. Don’t list your fraternity on your resume. The fact you’ve committed gang rape (or fucked a goat to get in the frat) doesn’t impress me. The only people you might impress are other goat fuckers, binge drinkers and rapists.

3. Do call back and ask if I’ve read your resume/application. It makes a difference.

4. Do include military service on your resume. If you don’t quite fit the job, I’ll do my best to squeeze you in (or refer you to another department that has an opening).

5. When appearing for a job interview DON’T wear one of those socially retarded Lance Armstrong wristbands. You look like a moron and a tool. Wait until you’re hired before letting everyone know what a mindless lemming you are.

6. Don’t try to impress me with your bone-crunching handshake. Limp, clammy, weak handshakes are even worse. Be normal.

7. In an interview, don’t act like my pal. You may be the same age as I am but if you joke that we both have some grey hair, the interview is over.

8. Do try to be on time for the interview. If you’re a few minutes late, apologise and I’ll be fine with it. If you don’t apologise (or say “thanks for the lunch” if it’s a lunch interview) you’ll never get a job with me. Nobody likes a clueless asshole.

9. Don’t discuss any political volunteer work. If you’re a liberal or a vegan this will be difficult but please try to act like an adult for 30 minutes.

10. Don’t talk about your kids or family. Your marital status is off limits (employers aren’t allowed to ask, so don’t volunteer it). If you’re a single mom, keep it to yourself. Leaving early every day to pick up Jr. from the babysitter’s (therefore leaving your co-workers to pick up the slack) is not something to brag about.

11. Do be creative with your resume (but don’t go overboard). If I get 20 resumes, and 19 of them are on plain white paper and one is in a blue folder, I’m going to notice the folder (but don’t put it in a hard cover binder, that’s annoying).

12. Do get the skills needed for the position. The last thing I want to hear is “I don’t have much experience with PowerPoint but I’m willing to learn.” Learn it.

 

How to Keep Your Job (or Climb the Ladder)

 As a manager, I have learned through experience what does and doesn’t work. I am an expert on workplace behaviour, and I’ve pretty much seen it all (except for an office shooting or two people having sex in the broom closet, but I’m still relatively young). Do you want to know why your manager likes certain people over others? Factoring out the “old school” bosses (who play favourites and give promotions to the ass-kissing brown nosers who go to their golf tournaments) the reason is simple. Ask yourself this: Do you make your manager’s job easier or more difficult? Do you give your manager MORE work or less? That’s all there is to it.

I can think of my best employees. When they have a problem, they come to me (with a solution in hand). They’ll say, for example, that a customer is pissed about something. Without simply dumping it in my lap (because I’m fucking busy) they’ll say “We can either refund them $600 or take it off their next order – which one do you prefer?” These people already have the paperwork drawn up. I then make a choice, approve the credit (or refund or whatever) and move on with my busy day. Poor employees, on the other hand, will simply leave the problem at my doorstep like a pile of dog $hit for me to scrape off. Which employee do you think will go further?

Now that I have dispensed this advice (worth thousands of dollars over your lifetime), here’s a list of the types of employees we all have to deal with on a daily basis:

The Ass Kisser – To some extent, we are ALL ass kissers. Think about when you’re talking to the president of your company and he/she makes an unfunny joke (and you laugh your ass off without even thinking about it). In order to succeed, we all have to pucker up now and then (but some people really take it to extremes). I’m not big on “hanging out” with the boss (or co-workers) after hours (and I sure as hell don’t go to golf outings or fishing trips). This has hurt me to some extent, but I make up for it with hard work, creativity, and talent. In other words, I’m an invaluable member of the team.

The Braggart – This is the guy who (after landing a small contract or win) doesn’t shut up about it for a year. The people who usually win BIG contracts are often the most humble about it. This is a law of nature.

The Bullshit Artist – Unlike the Braggart (who actually accomplishes something) the Bullshit likes to drone on (loudly) about all the things he USED to do at his old company and how he’s going to do them at THIS company. Of course, he’s completely full of shit and after about a year he turns into Mr. “At My Old Company” – talking incessantly (again, the louder the better) about how good he had it at his former company (and how fucked up your company is).

The Quiet One - This is the guy who never says anything and keeps a low profile. Then, when you’re in the middle of telling someone about the movie you saw, this guy wanders up and starts talking about it. You are stunned, as you were certain that he was a mute.

The Whore – Women who dress provocatively aren’t “doing it for themselves,” they are doing it to get noticed by men (period). Receptionists used to be the biggest office sluts, but there are now more slutty women in sales. They are able to get their foot into virtually any door (but they usually aren’t very successful). Some of these women will actually have sex with clients to get the business. Ultimately, it has been my experience that the best female sales reps are average looking (and don’t dress like whores). Why? They actually work instead of expecting everything to be handed to them on a silver platter (or should I say satin sheets?).

The Old Schooler – The beloved WWII generation is dying out. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for the POST-WWII generation of assholes who still think it’s 1975. They make inappropriate sexual and racial jokes, massage women’s shoulders, and generally act like a complete prick. The only person who ACCEPTS this behaviour is (predictably) the office slut. She will act like she likes it (until she gets enough evidence for a multi-million-dollar lawsuit). Why are so many American companies failing? Shockingly, there are still a large number of Old Schoolers in positions of power. Get them out and America’s troubles are over.

The Crybaby – This is the woman (or feminized male) who cries at the drop of a hat. Argument with a co-worker? She cries. Criticism from her supervisor? She cries. Forgot her birthday? Get the Kleenex.

The Arrogant Prick – I learned a great lesson about 13 years ago. Before our first child was born (and we were in the middle of buying a house) I actually worked three jobs. I had my full-time day job, a weekend manufacturing job, and I also worked nights doing janitorial work. It was a great experience. I learned a tremendous amount about people. Even though I was professional, educated member of the work force (during the day), at night I was just a “janitor”. The way people treated me was a real eye opener. Rich, white male law students (who I was sure would be assholes) were extremely friendly. On the other hand, women (usually female office managers) treated me like absolute crap (even though I earned more than they did at my day job). My point is you never know what people are truly like until you strap on a backpack vacuum and clean their office. Today, my career is doing extremely well, but (as with everyone else) I still have to deal with my share of assholes. It’s usually the guy who comes into town once a month and is too busy to say “hello.” When you say “hi” to him, he barely takes his eyes off the computer (for three seconds) without saying a word. These people are great fodder for jokes, as everybody (and I mean EVERYBODY) hates their fucking guts.

The Credit Taker – This is the guy (or gal) who takes credit for a subordinate’s good idea. They are also some of the most insecure people you’ll ever meet. They don’t actually come out and say “I did this,” but they will take credit by default (by not pointing out where the idea came from).

The Name Dropper – Similar to the Ass Kisser, the Name Dropper likes to have as many friends (allies) as possible in upper management to ensure he gets his big break when there’s an opening. Unfortunately, it usually works.

The Sports Homo – I’m not talking about guys who follow sports (or even play sports). I’m talking about the men who are so obsessed with male-on-male activity that they are unquestionably repressed homosexuals. They’re easy to spot at the gum (because they grunt and yell “That’s my boy!” when they’re watching the game). At work, they’re usually the ones who start the Superbowl pool or talk about how their team is going to “get their asses pumped” by Nebraska this weekend. Yep, they’re homos all right.

The Nine to Fiver – This is the person who comes in right at 9:00 and leaves right at 5:00 (or whatever hours they’re required to work). They never show up early (or work one minute late, even if there’s a need for it). They also like to employ the phrase “that’s not in my job description” at least a dozen times each day.

The Cliché Artist – These are perhaps the most annoying people you’ll ever work with. Instead of using intelligence, hard work, or talent, they rely on whatever cliché-of-the-month is en vogue at the time. Some examples are thinking outside the box, shifting paradigms, or whatever else they read in a magazine. Be warned: these idiots will often employ Japanese business terms such as “kanban,” even though they don’t really know what the fuck they’re talking about).