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In
an unprecedented move, President Bush has fired Treasury Secretary John
Snow and replaced him with someone more in line with his druken
sailor spending, Matthew Lesko. You may remember Lesko
from his annoying infomercials, where he offers "free"
government money.
Today
it was announced that Bush's senior citizen prescription drug
program will cost far more than earlier estimated. The current
figure is a whopping $500 billion. But it doesn't stop there. The
Cooper for President team sat down with Secretary Lesko to ask him
about his vision for America.
CFP: "So Mr. Lesko, how do plan to pay for all the new Bush programs?"
Lesko: "WOW! Whoop Whoop! Yippee! The Bush Administration is giving away
money, and it can be yours for FREE."
CFP: "Yes, we know Bush is giving away money, but how do you expect to PAY
for those programs?"
Lesko:
"That's right, people. We've got it all! Drug giveaways, Cash givaways,
Benefits this, Free healthcare that... now we're giving away even MORE
money for the National Endowment for the Arts! Oh, and don't forget
about the giveaway of our country to the "guest workers" from Mexico!
Yahoo!"
CFP:
"Mr. Lesko, you mentioned Bush's so-called "guest worker" program. Are
you aware that since Bush announced his proposal, the U.S. Border
Patrol has reported a 15% increase in foot traffic from Mexico? Do you
even CARE about America's future?"
Lesko:
"Yeee-haaaah! That's right, we've got money, money, money, and it's
free, free, free! We got money for old people, money for young people,
money for illegal immigrants, money for EVERYBODY."
CFP:
"Um... Ok... You mentioned the NEA. Do you think it's really necessary
that with a global war on terror, and rising deficits, that we spend
money so frivolously? I mean, don't you remember the whole 'Piss
Christ' fiasco?"
Lesko:
"Yeah yeah yeah.. Yip Yip Yippty-do! We want to give as much money away
as possible to struggling artists. To all you hipsters out there, why
don't you create something right now? We'll buy it! Just put a crucifix
in a jar of the bodily fluid of your choice, send us the picture, and
we'll give you money, money, money!"
CFP: "Ok, thanks..... I see this is getting us nowhere... Um, Mr. Lesko?
MR. LESKO??? Would you mind getting down from the chandelier? Goddamnit, would somebody please get
this lunatic out of here?"
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