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Dateline: New York -
Today, well-known sandwich pitchman Jared Fogle was killed in
a tragic subway accident. At roughly 10:15 AM, while boarding
the uptown train, Mr. Fogle was crushed as the subway doors
suddenly slammed shut on him. To the shock of onlookers throughout
the greater Manhattan area, the subway conductor (apparently
unaware of the mishap) continued to make several stops.
Belinda Tucker,
spokesperson for a group calling itself "Obese and Proud," (a
fat-peoples' rights organization) claims that if Jared had never
slimmed down, he would only have been slightly injured in the accident.
"If Jared hadn't been humiliated into losing weight
by our cellulite-phobic American society, he would still be
alive," she said, between bites of Hagen Daas.
NYPD
officer Mic McAllister was first on the scene. "It was terrible. There
were people screaming at the conductor to stop, but the train just kept
going. When it finally came to a stop, the corpse was wedged completely
in. We had to use several jars of fat-free mayo in order to get him
unstuck. I'm never going on another diet again," said the McAllister,
as he broke down in tears on his way to his weekly precinct
meeting at Krispy Kreame.
As
you may recall, Jared (as he is known) became famous after losing
nearly 200 lbs on a diet consisting only of subway sandwiches and a
healthy dose of chocolate laxative shakes. He is credited with the
triple-digit increase of subway sandwich sales over the past decade.
Few people know that Jared got his start playing "Rerun" in
the inner-city television series "What The Fuck?" after the
original Rerun died of colon cancer.
Fogle,
32, is survived by his wife Kristen and two children. He will be
buried wearing his original "fat" pants, inside a
freshly-baked Italian herb and cheese casket, with extra
vinegar, olives, and sprouts. At the request of the family, there will
be no onions.
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