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By MichaelMooreIsGod, Special Contributor:
This week the progressive "New Patriot" website (PissOff.org)
buckled under pressure from the fascists in the Bush administration
(and pulled their most recent ad). The commerical compared George
"Chimp, Chimpy, pResident, Shrub, Bushy" to Adolph Hitler (a man who
purportedly killed some people or something a while back).
As
a responsible activist for non-violent social justice causes (Abu Mumia
Jamaal, Leonard Peltier, and Malcom Jamaal Warner) I would like to once
and for all PROVE that George W. Bush is in fact the incarnation of
Hitler. Here we go:
1)
Bush was born in 1946, approximately 1 year after Hitler died.
Being a progressive new ager, I fully believe in reincarnation. The
Dalai Lama, Deepak Chopra and Oprah Winfrey have all assured me that it
takes about 1 year for an old soul to be processed and sent back
to Earth to take another form. Think about it.
2)
It was well known that Hitler ate carrots. I have it on credible
sources that Bushie has at one time or another eaten carrots.
Coincidence? I think not. Furthermore, it is reported that pResident
Chimpy eats SALAD on a regular basis (and not organic salad, but that
corporate garbage).
Still not convinced? You will be!
3)
Hitler was a white male of Austrian descent. Bush is a white male of
Irish descent. The fact that they are both white males of European
ancestry defies the odds. Random chance alone would dictate that at
least one of these men were born in China. But they weren't, were they?
4)
Hitler started a war without U.N. approval. Bush started a war without
U.N. approval. Sure, the U.N. initially approved the use of
"threats" against Iraq, but Bush just couldn't wait to go marching
into Iraq. And although I can't prove this next part,
I'm fairly certain that I read (or wrote) that Hitler's dad was
somehow involved with Halliburton. Or perhaps he owned some stocks.
5)
Hitler took advantage of the most famous "appeasenik" (as you
neo-cons call him) of all time, Neville Chamberlain. Bush's
opponents (with the exception of that Jewish prick Lieberman - he was
cool when he was Gore's puppet, but now I hate him) are all Neville Chamberlains. Furthermore (are you ready?) George Bush's favorite television
miniseries was Shogun! Who was the star of Shogun? RICHARD Chamberlain! And, after Bush
was in office for just over one year, Richard Chamberlain all of a sudden dies. Am I the only one asking questions
about this?
6)
When he was a spoiled young rich college kid (which is bad unless your
last name is "Kennedy") Bush "Junior" loved fast cars. When he was
ruler of Germany, Hitler actually had a car designed for the
German people. Nobody is bringing this up (and you idiots think the
media is "liberal").
and finally, we have this:
7)
Hitler hated the Jews. He was responsible for the death of 6 million
Jews (which is a bad thing, unless you call them "Zionists," then
it's OK). Bush on the other hand LIKES Jews. In fact, he has several of
these "neo-cons" in his cabinet! What's obvious to me (but completely
goes over the heads of you Bushy Chimpy Kool-Aid Drinkers) is that
having Jews in his cabinet is nothing more than a thinly veiled attempt
at MAKING AMENDS for the 6 million Jews he killed in WWII. That's
right, Hitler Jr. has a guilty conscience, so he's given a few Jews
token positions in his administration to score points with Gaia. Wake
up, people!
If
you're not convinced by this overwhelming evidence, then there is no
hope for you. You are simply not evolved enough to accept it, you're
not "open minded," you are uncomfortable with your sexuality, you are
"racist" to the core, and you are probably unhappy with your life.
There, I've used every liberal trick in my arsenal to position myself so that anyone who doesn't agree with me is
either racist, sexist, bigotted, homophobic, or a closet homo. Nyaa nyaa nyaa.
I've
already submitted this to Bill Moyers and NPR. You can keep your
corporate media, and you can stuff your ultra right-wingers like Tom
Brokaw and Dan Rather. I'm taking my theories to a much higher source
(and your taxes are gonna pay for it). Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
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