Raising a child (and making sure to keep those white trash traditions alive) is not as difficult as you might think. In fact, it takes about as much effort as your mom put into raising you.

 

The first thing you need to decide is what to name your baby. It is crucial that your daughter has a genuine white trash name, so that when she's 14 and runs off with a 58-year-old sex offender she met online, the police will know where to look (her hard drive) instead of wasting time on bogus "kidnapping" leads. Just as single, teenage ghetto moms like to give their children phony "African" names (like "Shamiqua") any good white trasher needs to give her daughter a phony Irish name. Make sure you're creative with the spelling. An oddly-spelled name will help distract from your daughter's pregnancy in the fourth grade:

 

Good:  Kylee

Better:  Kyleigh

Best:  Keighleigh

 

Of course, the most popular W.T. name continues to be the tried-and-true standard, Tammy. As with the Irish names, try different spellings to make your kid unique. And for that extra kick, she should learn to dot the "i" with a heart. The second best white trash girl's name is Amber. In fact, Amber tops the list of "trailer trash names." Here are the different categories for girls:

 

 

Amber

Naomi

Wynonna

Chloe

 

 

Brandy (Brandi)

Candy (Candi)

Britney

Breanna

 

 

Lily

Marigold

Rose

Magnolia

Cinnamon

 

(as you've probably figured out, any flower or spice works)

 

... So what if you're going to have a boy? No problem, we've got you covered. There are four types of white trash boys names:

 

 

Austin

Dallas

Houston

 

 

Kyle

Dustin

Travis

 

 

Earl

Dale

Tommy

Bobby

Cletus

 

 

Dylan

Conner

Davis

 

Now that you've picked out a suitable white trash name for your baby, here is a list of the behaviors that you must encourage. Although normal white parents don't let their kids do these things, you can convince yourself that they're just "yuppies." Make sure your kids do the following:

 

* Walk around in public wearing only a diaper (no shirt, and especially NO SHOES, EVER)

 

* Cut in line at free movie day (or when waiting for a freshly-baked cookie sample at Costco). Your child must never wait patiently in line like the normal kids. Make it look like the little bastard was raised by wolves (or hippies).

 

* Run around with dirt on their faces (at least 2/3 of the surface area of their faces should be covered in dirt, mud, or fudgesicle).

* Always (and I repeat ALWAYS) have your oldest child (5 or 6 years old) act as the "boss" of the other children. He or she will be the "snack master," and must always carry a family size bag of Cheetos outside. You never know when one of the kids will get dangerously low on carbs or cheese flavoring. Make sure they eat any snacks they drop on the ground. This will prepare them for their future (in prison).

 

When they're old enough to have sex with strangers (12), make sure you get them unlimited internet access. It is crucial that you never monitor their online activity. If you can't afford a computer, make sure you send them to the library. Although you probably don't see much use for libraries, they actually have free computer access, where Breanna can flirt online with strangers until she finally runs away and is either knocked up or found under a concrete slab. Don't worry - the public is now required by law to feign shock that such a thing would happen, and they wouldn't dare think of questioning your "parenting" skills. In fact, several guilty white liberals will make a point of being interviewed by the local news and saying "it could happen to anyone," even though we all know it couldn't.

 

I hope this little primer has been helpful. Stay tuned for another episode in our White Trash series.