Airline
travel has become so affordable over the past 20 years, any moron with
a (secured) credit card can fly. This is a good thing, but it does have
its drawbacks. The airlines have become the modern-day smelly Greyhound
busses, and people of all stripes need to stop being so goddamn
socially retarded. Here are the behaviors I'm tired of:
(Tall,
bald men): Sitting in the seat in front of me and immediately putting
your seat all the way back upon liftoff (so that your bald head is
practically in my lap). The in-flight meal is unappetizing enough
without having to stare at your chrome dome for two hours. I'm now
forced to carry a bic lighter with me, just so I can give these 'tards
a "hot head."
(Parents):
Taking your loud, screaming infant ANYWHERE on an airplane. This
is nothing more than child abuse (and the rest of the flying
public is sick of you). It's one thing if you MUST take the little
bastard to go see grandma before she croaks. It's quite
another when grandma is 40 years old, and is in top physical condition.
We're on to you, so just stop it.
Being
a "Bin Hog." - The next person that tries to clog my storage
space with their guitar, skis, golf clubs, or ten bags of shopping
is going to be in for a rude awakening, because it's going right on the
floor. Stop being so self-centered.
(Women): Applying fingernail polish or nail polish remover when you're sitting next to me. Unless you want
to DRINK the shit, keep it in your purse.
(Assholes):
Using your cell phones when you're not supposed to. Using a cell phone
doesn't make you "important." News Flash - EVERYBODY HAS ONE. Stop
trying to impress everyone. Even with that Nokia, you're STILL white
trash.
(Everybody)
Talking (loudly) about deeply personal issues (or anything for that
matter). Unless you're a hottie sex addict lamenting the fact that
you don't know anybody in town, please don't start up a
conversation with me. I don't care who you're going to see or why. Are
you traveling on business or pleasure? I really couldn't care less...
(Parents):
Letting your little bastard run up and down the aisle and kick the back
of my seat. And if the little 'tard stands up in his chair and starts
dropping Cheerios out of its mouth (into my personal space) he's going
to get the spanking that you're incapable of giving. I don't let my
children do this (not that they would want to), and the rest of the
passengers hate your stinking guts. Stop being such a mongoloid,
non-parent and tell your kid to sit the fuck down.
(Businessmen): Ordering a Bloody Mary at 8:00 AM. It's bad enough that you're a hopeless drunk, but do you
really need to ADVERTISE it???
(Fat people): Spilling over into my seat. If you weight 300 lbs, buy two tickets, Butterbean. Any love handle
that creeps over into my space is going to be scalded with hot coffee.
(Fussy
Eaters and Vegetarians): Ordering a special meal. Look. It's a fucking
airplane. We all know the food sucks, so just grow up for once. They
have two choices: Almost Chicken and Kinda Beef. If you don't like
either (most people don't) then you should have bought something in one
of the numerous restaurants and snack shops back at the terminal.
Treating
the flight attendants like your personal chef. There's nothing worse
than some rich, first-class shitheel ordering a flight attendant around
like his personal secretary. Actually, I take that back. The people in
COACH who do this are much worse.
Falling asleep and snoring (on a one-hour flight).
Storing your carry-on bag in an overhead bin THREE ROWS BEHIND YOU. Not only are you taking up other people's
space, you will hold everyone up when it's time to de-plane. Check your fucking bags.
Having B.O., wearing too much perfume, or farting.
This is by no means a complete list. If there are any flight attendants or frequent fliers reading this,
please feel free to contribute.
.....Now get back to work.
