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Hi
there. I'm Professor John Dingleberry, and I've been hired by the
Cooper for President team to give you the full scoop on all of the
wonderful protesters who will be in New York this week. As you're
probably aware by now, the Democrats in this country actually WANT as
many anarchists, nihilists, and violent street thugs as possible to
attend. Why? Simple: It makes them look good by comparison. It's called
"plausible deniability." This way, the Democrats let groups such as
Black Bloc smash windows, attack police, and plant phony bombs in the
subway, then Terry McAuliffe gets to feign shock at the violence and
condemn it. This ensures that the mainstream Democrats (you know, the
ones who merely burn American flags and say that America "deserved"
9/11) receive nothing but positive press coverage. Great scam, isn't
it?
Anyhoo,
I've been hired to explain to you, the general public, the differences
between the various protest groups. To the untrained eye, they all
pretty much look (and smell) like violent street garbage. But a closer
look reveals some minor distinctions. As a Sociologist, Anthropologist,
and Scientologist, I am perfectly qualified to bring this information
to you. Here are the types:
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Name: Union Goon
Description: This
guy works for some local pipefitter's union, and his foreman told him
to come. He's really pretty harmless and is only there to put a
semi-normal face on the crowd of traitors.
How to Incapacitate: No need. Just tell him some "foreigner" is going to take his job, and he will
immediately proceed to Chinatown to kick some serious ass.
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Name: Nature Boy
Description: Although this guy brags about his vegan ways (and would never eat genetically-modified
foods) he smokes, drinks, shoots heroin, and joins rowdy protest groups like ALF and ELF.
How to Incapacitate: Boot to the Skull
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Name: Lonely Hag
Description: This
woman lives alone (except for her 300 cats). She's a Sandalista whose
time has passed, and she spends her days teaching at an "alternative"
school ("alternative" being code for indoctrinating semi-retarded
children with Karl Marx and Chomsky).
How to Incapacitate: Release the Hounds
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Name: Feminized Dad
Description: This clown thought bringing his kid to a protest (that he knew
would turn violent) was a good idea. He's actually hoping to sue
the NYPD if his kid is injured when they "TCB." Scott Peterson has
a better shot at "father of the year" than this guy. And if you click
on the picture, you'll see that his sign says "Impeach President
Moron," although he fucked up the peace sign he drew on his daughter's
poster!
How to Incapacitate: Choke Hold
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Name: Trustafarian
Description: Typical
upper-middle class college student, just floating through life and
managing the trust fund from daddy. Wouldn't know real work if it
danced naked on a table with a sign that said "real work." Also has
"white guilt."
How to Incapacitate: Mace
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Name: Useful Idiot
Description: This
guy is nothing more than a pawn for Marxist governments around the
world (and he doesn't even know it). He is convinced he's an
"intellectual," and hates Jews (because they created AIDS and put that
secret ingredient in Popeye's fried chicken that causes sterility in
black men).
How to Incapacitate: Kick to the Groin
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Name: The Noisemaker
Description: To
some people, anti-war protests are nothing more than a big party. These
idiots are basically overgrown children throwing a temper tantrum. I
won't attempt to explain the psychological reasons (let's just say that
they have serious mommy issues and leave it at that). Groups such as
the "No War Drum Corps" and the whistle-blowing idiots fall into this
category.
How to Incapacitate: Trample with Horse
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