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Dateline:
Boston - Democratic Presidential Candidate John F. Kerry sent
shockwaves throughout the political world Thursday, delivering what
will no doubt come to be known as the "Greatest campaign speech in US
history." Senator Kerry promised to make himself (and his policies)
known to the world at the convention, and his shockingly honest speech
did just that. Here is the full text:
"My
fellow Americans, sleeper cells, illegal aliens.... I stand before you
tonight as a man who wants nothing more than to become the next
President of the United States. I have promised the world that I would
lay out my plans for a better America, and that I would be brutally
honest. And honest I will be.
Let
me start by saying that I'm nothing more than a big phony. That's
right. I have no real plans for a better defense of America, a better
economy for America, jobs, education, crime, or any of the top issues
which are so vital to this country's survival. There is only one thing
that is motivating me, and it's the same thing that is
motivating each and every one of you. That one thing is an
intense, deep hatred of George W. Bush.
I
realize that it doesn't matter if I'm up here, Howard Dean's up here,
or Michael Moore is up here. All that any of you care about is that
anybody but Bush is elected, and that's good enough for me. I
would first like to thank all of the useful idiots who have draped
themselves in so-called "civil rights" struggles, even though it's
2004, and what we're facing from al Qaeda is far worse than anything
the KKK could have done, even when Robert Byrd was a member. Thank you
for continuing to vote Democrat, even though we've never lifted a
finger to help you, starting with the real
civil rights movement back in the 1960's. We need to take the
focus off of Terrorism and put it on something, anything
else.
You have all done an admirable job. Thank you Maya Angelou. Thank you
Jesse Jackson, and thank you Al Sharpton. It's truly moving to me that
not only can the Democratic Party get away with having a proven
race-baiting fraud such as Reverend Sharpton, who was found liable
in a racist scam to demonize white New York cops, but that he can
maintain such a high stature within the party and still be looked upon as a legitimate civil rights "leader."
I
would also like to thank the American news media, who (with the
exception of Fox) has done all it can to portray me and my wife as the
second coming of Christ. Although other news organizations around
the world (such as the Asahi Shimbun of Japan) may rightfully
point out that there's a huge difference between being simply "a woman
who speaks her mind," and being a pushy, narcissistic loud-mouthed
bitch, I appreciate the fact that CNN, CBS, NBC, ABC, and NPR
provided no logical analysis or critical follow up when my wife told
that reporter to "shove it," then portrayed herself as Norma friggin'
Rae. A Republican woman such as Ann Coulter could never have gotten away with such behavior, and I am deeply
moved.
Perhaps
the greatest favor the media has done for the Democratic Party has
been allowing our surrogates like Michael Moore to
do our dirty work for us with complete immunity. The fact
that Moore, Sharpton, and Kucinich can openly embolden our enemies
in a time of war, commit treason, and say things such as "Bush is
targeting civilians in Afghanistan," and "Bush is an
election-stealing moron who shits his pants," without the slightest
repercussions when they appear at this convention, is proof that you in
the media want me to win at all costs. We could not have done it
without you, and, like the rest of the DNC leadership, I promise to
NEVER denounce anything Michael Moore says, no matter how many American
soldiers are demoralized, or how many terrorists are emboldened. I say
to you in all honesty that I would suck Satan's sausage in order to
weasel my way into the Oval Office, and I will do whatever it takes to
win.
I
know that all of you are wondering what exactly I'm going to do about
the global threat of terrorism. The truth of the matter is, I have
absolutely no idea. However, since half of you think that there is no
terrorist threat, and the other half think that whatever al
Qaeda has done to America was completely justified,
I have determined that having NO plan is better than having a clear
plan. Therefore, from this day forward, I will continue to spew my
vague "plan" for dealing with terrorism, which revolves mostly around
getting France to like us. I realize the French may never truly like
America, but by saying we've "alienated our allies," I give the
average American moron the impression that I'm actually working on a
plan to defeat global terrorism. And that should be enough to get me
elected.
Finally, I
call on every single one of you to get as many new voters registered as
humanly possible. I'll take anything I can get, and the dumber they
are, the more easily they can be manipulated. Thank you, and may
God Damn America! (until I'm president)."
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