Socially Retarded Behavior at Work

It's that time of the year again, when people from all over the country graduate college, high school, trade school, or Old School and embark on their true purpose in life (working 40+ hours a week, raising a family, and being miserable like the rest of us). It is for these people that I offer my advice on what NOT to do once you find a job. Like other topics in the legendary Socially Retarded series, Socially Retarded Behavior at Work is a guide on how to avoid pissing the rest of the world off and revealing yourself to be the classless 'tard that we already suspect you are. Here ya go:

(Women) Forging alliances, backstabbing others, gossiping, or using your knowledge of what everyone else makes as a source of "power."

(Men) Aping lines from Austin Powers to your coworkers. The first movie was funny. The second was so-so, and the third one sucked ass. Only a complete mongoloid would laugh at your impression of Dr. Evil. I once worked with a guy from Boston who would do about five minutes from Raging Bull. I had no idea what the fuck he was talking about or how he wanted me to respond. Did he want me to laugh, applaud, or just be creeped out (which is what I was)?

(Women) Laughing at the guy who does the Austin Powers impression. We all know you want to sleep with him. Stop annoying the hell out of the rest of us. Just go fuck him in the lavatory or supply room (and stop encouraging his socially retarded behavior).

(Women) Dressing like a slut, skank, or whore. I realize that dressing a bit slutty may help women who work in outside sales get their foot (or other body part) in the door. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about women who dress like sluts because they want attention from everyone at the office. This isn't high school anymore, and you have to grow up.

Forwarding joke emails, photos, urban legends, or chain emails (unless of course it's for Cooper for President, but don't blame me when you get fired).

Sending the entire company an email on your last day of work ending with "What a long, strange trip it's been." Jerry Garcia croaked nearly a decade ago, and most people never gave a crap about The Grateful Dead in the first place. Still, I suppose it's better than quoting Jimmy Buffett.

When replying to an email, hitting the "Reply to All" button, sending your worthless two cents to the entire fucking company.

Emphasizing your frustration by putting a dozen question marks at the end of your sentence: "Why haven't you replied????????" (THAT GOES DOUBLE FOR YOU PEOPLE WHO WRITE IN ALL CAPS, or who put TOP URGENT in the subject line of every goddamn email you send). Those are the first ones I delete.

Prattling on endlessly about how we need to "Get rid of Bush," or "Get out of Iraq," especially if you're unaware of the political beliefs of the person you're annoying. Besides, all the people I've talked to who are against Bush usually reveal themselves to be complete dimwits in about 12 seconds.

Making too many personal phone calls or talking loudly about deeply personal issues to coworkers. If you confide in me about your daughter's abortion or your son being sentenced to 20 years, it won't stay a secret for long (yes I realize I'm contradicting my "no gossip" rule, but even I can't keep my trap shut about things THIS important).

Pushing your kid's Boy Scout or school fundraiser down everybody's throats. If I want to buy some crappy stale granny candy or some giftwrap, I'll go to the store and buy it myself.

Talking about your child's bowel movements. If your son or daughter made a "poop" for the first time, keep it to yourself. Unless your husband is a complete pussy, he's not going to want to hear it, either.

Telling everyone how "perfect" your little angel is. We don't give a shit about the fraud Montessori school she goes to (and nobody cares about the cute way she pronounces spaghetti or library).

(Single women) Talking about your cat, dog, ferret, or whatever. And for God's sake, you'd better not keep a picture of fido on your desk, unless you want to solidify your status as an "old maid" (even though you're 26).

Expecting the rest of us to donate money to buy a maternity gift for the unmarried office slut (who got knocked up by some slob she met at a bar last winter).

Cooking grotesque ethnic food in the microwave, stinking up the entire office, and preventing anyone else from using the kitchen for a week.

Having BO (this includes too much perfume or cologne, but let's be honest - there's nothing worse than body odor).