Do
you ever wonder why the successful Al Qaeda agents are all Middle
Eastern? It's because the American ones are as dumb as a bowl of soup.
Look at John Walker Lindh. What a fag, eh? And don't even get me
started on the Portland Seven. Those idiots don't have enough
brain cells among the lot of them to learn how to take the bus to the
zoo, much less pull off a terrorist attack. But without a doubt, the
dumbest of our American recruits was that Hispanic kid. What was his
name? Padilla? Quesadilla? Jose Padilla. That's it. The reason I say
"was" is because Mr. Padilla has been "voted off the island" as some of
the more socially retarded and humor-challenged Americans like to say.
I have the feeling that even if Padilla wiggles his way out of jail,
he's not going to be out for long. This guy is a Grade A dumbass, and
I'm done with him.
As you may recall, Padilla (a former gang member) came to us after converting to Islam in prison (where everyone
converts to Islam). At the time, he wanted to use the internet to learn
how to build a nuclear bomb. Early on it became clear to us that he
lacked the intelligence to build a fully functional BLT sandwich (even
if you spotted him the lettuce and the bacon), much less a nuclear
weapon. So we lowered the bar, and asked him to build a "dirty bomb,"
using radioactive medical equipment. He took about five steps into the
hospital, slipped in a puddle of his own drool, and broke his leg. He
was in traction for a week. So we lowered our expectations once again
and asked him if he could blow up an apartment building by
turning on the gas and lighting a match. That was another
"non-starter," since he kept blowing out the match with his mouth
breathing. Finally, we had to settle on the following terrorist
activities, which I have to admit he did reasonably well:
Running into a crowded mall and throwing a handful of those "snappers" they sell around the Fourth of July
Tuning all television sets at LA International Airport to the Wayne Brady Show
Walking up to people and stepping on the back of their shoe, giving them what is known in the Western world
as a "flat tire"
Repeatedly calling the TSA to warn about a possible hijacking by a man named "Mike Oxbig"
Asking children in the park to help him look for his doggie, then stealing their Fruit Rollups
Creating a human explosive device by having Kirstie Alley eat a trailer full of nachos
Etc., and so on.....
So
as grateful as I am to America's Democrats for steering attention away
from my terror network in order to kick the dead horse known as the Abu
Ghraib Prison Abuse "Scandal," weakening America's defense, and
comparing Bush to Hitler, I am really disappointed in the way you have
destroyed America's once-great educational system. Please do more to
improve understanding of math and science, and stop wasting time on all
that Gaia Earth Day hippie lesbo nonsense. Oh, and as promised I will
kill you last. Nothing personal.
Love,
OBL
