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Ten HUT! Sit up straight you maggots! That's right, I said sit up straight. You there - sitting in front
of your computer wearing a blue shirt! Pay attention, you pile of shit!
Here's
a newsflash: Ronald Wilson Reagan, the greatest president of my
lifetime, is dead. As agreed when he was president, I have been
contracted to get all of you (and your children) to butch up! American
men have become weak and feminized, and if you don't start acting
like real men, we're going to lose this war.
Let
me start out with this: John Kerry could very likely be the next
President of the United States. Horrible thought, isn't it? Well,
tough... It's a strong possibility, and you need to prepare yourself.
If he's elected, there will be nothing standing between Al Qaeda and
the destruction of Western Civilization, except for the good citizens
of America, and that means YOU!!
I
must say, my hopes are dim. I was hired by the US Marine Corps to turn
you maggots into REAL men, but since you're such lost fucking causes,
I'm going to have to start out with a less threatening instructor. Here
he is:
Howdy
howdy howdy!! I'm fitness guru Richard Simmons, and I'm here to get you
men to butch up! Who were you expecting, Ryan Seacrest??? While I may
not be the most masculine specimen on the planet, I'm certainly tougher
than most of YOU. Don't believe me? Take this test (then come right back).
How did you do? Thought so....
I'm
here to give all of you a big reality bitchslap. We're at WAR, people!!
Did you forget already? We were attacked on September 11th, and you're
more concerned with some crappy shitcom or "the big game." Now, some
photos of some Iraqi prisoners with fucking bags on their heads come to
the surface, and what do you do? You curl up in the fetal position
under your pink satin sheets on your oh-so-comfy sleep number bed. This is pathetic!!!
You're
all in dire need of some shock therapy. Put down your Androgel for
about five seconds and come sit in this nice comfortable chair. There
you go... Now let me strap you in... No, no, don't struggle... You're
only going to make things hard on yourself... Ha! You didn't know I was
so strong, did you?? Now just sit back and relax, while I show you some
videos.
This
is some footage from a little something called 9/11. Do you
remember this event? Think hard.... That's right. On that day, a pack
of wild Islamists hijacked some planes and flew them into some
buildings. What you probably haven't seen are the photos of men and
women jumping out of the fucking World Trade Center as it was going up
in flames. Horrible, isn't it? Now take a look at these. You may
recognize them as photos of so-called "torture" at Abu Ghraib Prison.
See that guy with a collar on, getting a little nibble from a German
Shepherd? It kind of pales in comparison with the guy who splattered
himself on the concrete, don't you think? Of course, that doesn't stop
George Soros from wanting America to be attacked again by the
Islamists, so he can devalue the dollar and make billions more while
you and your family starve. Are you beginning to get angry? No???
Ok, perhaps this will push you over the edge.
Here's
Senator Kerry, the likely next President of the United States. See him
there, smugly saying all sorts of shit about President Bush "lying"
about WMD in Iraq? It might interest you dumbasses to know that right
up until before the war in Iraq, Senator Kerry himself said that Saddam
Hussein had chemical and biological weapons, and that he had to be
removed from power in the interest of fighting terrorism.
Now repeat after me: "President Kerry." Say it again. And
again.... Now say "Vice President Michael Moore." NOW are you angry??
Thought so....
Finally,
since you really need butching up, I'm going to show you a video you've
all probably heard about, but were too pussified to actually SEE.
There's no use struggling, those straps on your arms aren't going to
break. Just look forward and witness the most horrific thing you've
ever seen in your life. No, it's not the Nick Berg video... It's the Lynndie
England sex video!!!!
Take a look at her getting her cracks filled like it was free spackle
day at the Home Depot in Van Nuys.... Can you imagine? Look at the men
lined up to "take one for the team." And who is that guy
being forced to watch? Why it's our old pal Mahmoud
Camelhump, and even he's revolted by the whole thing.
Perhaps he should have thought of that before he set off that
roadside bomb. Ok, the video's over now. But you're not going
anywhere. Sgt. Hardass has instructed me to put this on a continual
loop. It's going back to the beginning, and you get to watch the whole
thing over again, starting with the people hitting head first at Ground
Zero. Enjoy the movie. I'm going to bed...
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