This
week the Department of Homeland Security confirmed reports that a
biological terrorist attack has already taken place on U.S. soil. The
attack was carried out three years ago by Pakistani female Aafia
Siddiqui (not to be confused with Awana Suckdiqui from Sherman Oaks,
California). The attack was on former Vice President Al Gore and came
at the time after Bush's inaguration (when Gore was bearded and
bloated). Seeing an opening, Siddiqui (an MIT graduate and expert
on biology) seduced the depressed and suicidal Gore, giving him a
new lease on life (and a new strain of syphilis, which has now
apparently rotted his brain).
Gore's
doctor has confirmed that his recent anti-American tirade is due
primarily to his rapidly degrading mental condition, brought on by
the clap. This is not the first time, however, that Gore has been the
victim of a biological attack. While exploring caves in Eastern Europe
right after college, he was bit in the neck by what he thought at
the time was a harmless fruit bat. It turned out to be a vampire
bat, which caused Gore to become one of the undead.
Most
people started to notice Gore's vampirelike appearance when he gave his
"every vote counts, and if it's for me it counts twice" speech in
Florida during the 2000 election dispute. His slicked-back hair, fangs,
and homosexual lisp were all clear indicators that Gore was in fact a
vampire. All Count Chocula jokes aside, it was assumed that Gore would
be immune to any form of Sexually-Transmitted Disease. However, the new
strain allegedly created by al Qaeda has been shown to be even more
potent than previously thought.
This
week, Gore gave his now famous "America sucks and I hope we lose the
war because pointing to Iraqi men's genitals is worse than Iraqis
shooting American captives in the back" speech during an event
sponsored by BiteMe.org, a left-wing hate group funded in part by
legendary vampire George Soros. Due to the syphilis, Gore's "eternal
youth" is gone, and he is rapidly showing signs of aging (including
grey hair, balding, and acute mental degeneration). It is alleged
that his fangs have now been replaced with porcelain ones, and he
frequently pops Vampiragra in order to maintain an erection. We wish
him well.
Actually, we hope somebody puts a garlic necklace around his neck. Fucking asshole.
